Hurtful comments

A few weeks ago my daughter (who I've nicknamed Mini for the blog), was interacting with a young baby lying on a playmat. It was a cute little girl around 3/4 months old who was smiling up at us. It was a sweet moment until the child's mother said to Mini, "would you like to have a sister?"

Mini can be a little shy sometimes and wasn't saying anything and I just said "No, no.." and shook my head. Instead of noticing my obvious discomfort at the topic, the women then said to Mini "tell your mother to give you a sister!" I was quite shocked to be honest and because I tend to be a people pleaser and overly polite, I just said "No, she's enough for us" and then mumbled something about me being too old anyway. The woman wouldn't let it go and kept saying "No?" and being quite pushy about it!

In the end I walked away with Mini but I was quite annoyed by the interaction. If you follow my blog, you'll know something about the long arduous journey we went through to have our daughter. I still think it's a miracle she's here at all!

We can't have any more children, unless we were to go down the IVF road again and even then there is no guarantee it would even work again. Emotionally, physically and mentally, I don't want to put myself through all that again. We have made peace with the fact that we are a family of three and love our little unit.

Insensitive comments like that are still a sore spot though and upset me. I wish I had spoken up and just told the lady we can't have any more kids and let her feel bad because then she would hopefully think twice before saying stuff like that to someone again!

Life lately

Well this pandemic isn't going away anytime soon unfortunately so we certainly haven't been doing as much as I would like but we still had a few fun events recently. Mini was invited to a friend's birthday party. It was one of her little pals from daycare who was turning five. Hubby wasn't sure about whether it was a good idea since it would be indoors but I spoke to the parents and they were vaccinated and had only invited us and one other family who were also vaccinated. The kids aren't vaccinated as they are too young but they are in the same daycare group anyway.

The party was fun. Mini had a great time playing with her two friends and of course she love the yummy treats and cake! It was nice for me to chat to the adults and we all ate lunch together. Naturally the topic of the pandemic came up. Sadly, their neighbour had recently passed from Covid sadly. He was only forty-five and healthy with no precondtions, however he was unvaccinated. Germany has quite a low vacine rate unfortunately, compared to other countries. Ireland has one of the best Covid vacine uptake rates with over 90% of adults fully vaxed!

Apart from that party, we have minaly been avoiding indoor events to keep Mini safe as the Covid incidence rate is really high in our area at the moment. However we try to bring her out for bike rides and to the playground with her friends several times a week if possible and recently we took her kite flying for the first time.

December 6th is known as Nokolaustag. This is a tradition that was new to me as we don't have it in Ireland. The evening before Nikolaustag the children are meant to clean their boots and leave them out and Nikolaus comes around and fills them with little treats/presents. Technically it's only meant for kids but as you can see from the picture, I left my boots out too and I received a vegan choclate Santa Claus.

I would have loved to have visited the Christmas markets with Mini this year but the rules for visiting them are only vaccinated adults who had been freshly tested which was a bit awkward and hubby doesn't want me bringing her on public transport to get there. I walked past by myself one morning and took a few pictures. However they have since been closed completely.

I have flights booked to Ireland for a short trip just by myself in a few weeks time. It would be two years since I've been there last. However, I'm not sure if I will end up needing to postpone the trip because of this new Omnicron variant. I don't want to risk having to quarentine in Ireland and not being able to come back to Germany! So right now I am just waiting to see how things play out and what the current travel restrictions will be before deciding.

I hope you are all having a nice Christmas season!

Mini turned two

It's goes to show how busy life has been that I'm two months late writing this! Here's a link back to Mini's one year update . Year one to two was really all about her becoming her own person and her personality shining through.

Over the last few months Mini's talking and development has come a long way. Now she usually repeats new words after we say them to her and she has a great memory. There are still quite a few words and sounds that she can't pronounce properly but we have learnt from context what she is trying to say. We are able to have little conversations now which is fun! For instance, sometimes if a toy is broken, she might say "Dada fix it!". When doorbell rings she'll say "doorbell - delivery man". We've been getting a lot of stuff delivered since the Coronavirus isolation started haha. Then if I ask what's in the box, she might answer "food".

She definitely knows her own mind and can be very determined. She has strong opinions about what she wants to wear some days. I usually let her wear what she wants, within reason. Like if she insists on wearing a "party dress" but it's a cold day, then I'll just make sure to put on a long sleeved top underneath and leggings/tights. She has one doll who's her favourite and she brings her everywhere. She calls her "Dee-doll". It's very sweet.

She loves music and sings along to nursery rhymes now. She enjoys imaginary play do we'll play games such as doctor where we pretend her toys are sick or we have teddy bear picnics. Reading is also still a favourite activity and she will patiently listen to the story now instead of always turning the pages herself.

She is currently transitioning from one nap to no naps but it seems to be a very long process! Some days she flat out refuses to nap so then we bring her to bed early. The danger is when she doesn't nap but then falls asleep too early. There was one day she was out for the count at 5.15pm already so I brought her to bed then. However she ended up waking up for the day at 3.15am which wasn't so great as you can imagine! So now we try to keep her awake till 7pm on those days she skips the nap. When she does nap, sometimes she can sleep for up to three hours which is quite handy when I'm working from home. On those days she then stays up late and doesn't go to sleep for the night till around 10pm.

I was worried about how the current situation would affect her but she has taken it in her stride. I think she's enjoying not going to daycare and having more attention from us. She sometimes asks about the "Kita" (German daycare) and I just say that it's closed and on holidays for a few weeks and she accepts that. When the weather is nice we try to spend some time in the garden or go for a walk around the block.

During one of our walks recently she saw two little girls from our neighbourhood playing and she ran over to them before I could stop her, longing to join in. One of the girls then shouted "Abstand halten!" (keep back) to her. Of course the other girl was right, we are meant to keep kids apart but I couldn't help feeling a bit sad for Mini who is too young to understand.

Lately it can be real struggle for my husband and I trying to juggle home office and looking after Mini and the household. She's ending up having more screentime than we would like and our house could badly do with a good clean. However we are making the most of it as best we can. She's such a fun and sweet person and I feel so grateful having her in our lives.

We can't all have marriages like the Obamas #MicroblogMonday

Would you believe I'm still not finished reading Michelle Obama's book, Becoming? I first mentioned it back in October. The thing is I have been really enjoying it and I am almost at the end of it by now, it's just been so hard to find time to sit down and read without interruptions. Anyway I need to finish it soon as my book club have already started reading The Testaments by Margaret Atwood.

There's a section in the book where Michelle talks about the now famous date with Obama where they flew to New York for dinner and a show which caused some controversy among their opponents. Anyway she writes about how much they enjoy each other's company and conversations and constantly erupt into laughter when together. The day I read that passage hubby and I had just been squabbling about some household thing as usual. I presume other couples also have countless silly arguments about things around the house - who hasn't put their laundry away? why haven't these dirty plates been put into the dishwasher? I could easily go on but you get the idea.

There are many times when hubby tells long stories about work while I'm barely paying attention. I know he often doesn't listen to me a lot of the time either since I end up having to repeat myself. This just felt like a stark comparison when I imagined the Obamas sitting there during their dinner dates finding each other totally fascinating! They seem to have a strong happy marriage which I admire.

Recently when hubby and I did finally get a moment to ourselves we ended up talking about how parenting a young child means our minds always seem to be distracted and elsewhere a lot of the time! It's rare to have opportunities to give something our sole focus (apart from when we are in work). So I think (and hope) that it's pretty normal that these days we don't have a perfect marriage like the Obamas but hopefully one day again in the future we will!

First words

Mini is 20 months old now and says over words. She has really come along since I last wrote about her language development. You can count sounds that constantly refer to an object as a word. So for instance one of the first words she said was "wa-wa" to mean dog. Overall she seems to use German words more often which is probably to be expected considering she hears German at daycare and all around. 

It's really since around 19 months that the language explosion started. I think the words themselves are somewhat random based often on which is easier for her to pronounce at the moment than words she necessarily finds useful. Although it's already been great for helping me comprehend what she wants. Like at the playground a few weeks ago she started looking for something in my handbag/backpack and I wasn't sure what she wanted until she said "bap". Bap is what we call a soft bread roll in case you use a different term where you are from!

Anyway now she often says "bap" when she is hungry. She still does the sign language sign for milk when she wants to nurse but that can also just mean thirst and she uses the sign for "again" a lot. She uses "owa" the German ouch when she hurts herself but also when she or an object is stuck. So for instance if she pushes her doll pram around and it gets stuck behind a chair she'll call out "owa" until someone helps. She can't pronounce B words yet so instead of "bye, bye" it comes out like "die, die" which she says while smiling and waving at everyone!

German words: ja, nein, Müll (rubbish), Kaka (poop), bitte (please) mehr (more), owa (ouch), Gurke (cucumber), Hahn (chicken), Tassa (cup), Oma (Granny)
English words:yea, no, hi, juice, eye, knee, shoe, cheese, bap, keys, nana (banana), tights, die-die (bye-bye)
General: wa-wa (dog), neigh (horse), ee-hor (donkey), dac-dac (for duck), mama, dada, papa, uh-oh

Running on empty

Most people can relate to that overwhelming feeling navigating through life when things just feel non stop and your to do list is never ending. Everything has seemed particularly hectic lately and I badly need some time to recharge.

• My job has been busy. That said, it's pretty much always like that as once one project is completed, a new one starts with more deadlines! I took part in some extra training that was over a weekend and also had to join in some calls from home so it has felt more full on lately.


• Mini has been sick again several times in a row plus teething. I've been told that once the kids start at daycare they are constantly picking up things the first 1-2 years until their immune system strengthens and it definitely seems true in her case. When she is unwell it typically means worse sleep for all of us, extra doctor's visits and worry.


• My husband came down with stomach flu and was out of action for several days and then I caught it too. One night in the middle of trying to bring Mini to bed I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Luckily hubby was there at the time to take over. When one of us is sick the other person ends up having to pick up the slack. I have a lot of respect for single parents!


• Looking after a toddler is lots of fun, but it's also exhausting! Gone are the days when she would sit happily in her hair chair while we all ate. Now she just wants to be running around on the go constantly - usually dragging me behind her! She also loves playing chasing games around the kitchen. That's my workout for the day sorted, haha!


• Keeping on top of general household stuff plus various errands feels impossible. We have so much clutter and I would love to have some time to Marie Kondo the place!


• On the rare moments I do have a moment to myself, all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch youtube or drink tea and scoff chocolate. I often lack the motivation to be productive.

The good news is I have some annual leave coming up and we have a long trip to Ireland planned. The actual traveling can be stressful but once we are there, we'll have a lovely time I'm sure! I am purposely trying to not over plan the trip so we can just be spontaneous each day depending on how we feel.

Raising a bilingual child

Research on how many words a child should have by a certain age varies. I've read that most (but not all) toddlers can say around 20 words by 18 months and 50 or more by the time they turn two. Apparently by 18 months many toddlers can even link two words together to form mini sentences already. In my facebook group of babies the same age as Mini and there is a huge discrepancy. Some babies are apparently saying as many as 40 words already whereas others aren't saying any.

Many people believe that bilingual children take longer to talk but I've also read that is a myth so I'm not really sure about that! I've read different advice about at what point to worry when your child isn't talking. I only speak English to Mini. Her Dad speaks German to her but when we are all together, our family language is English. She gets plenty of German exposure from daycare and just being out and about.

At her last doctor's checkup I mentioned she was only really saying "mama", "dada" and babbling. The doctor said they aren't concerned here unless the children don't have 20 words by age two. However she then said that some two year olds aren't talking at all but if they show *understanding* of 20 words that's enough.

A few weeks ago Mini started saying "yea/ja" which is very cute. She's still not saying any other new words (she's 16 months) but she does understand a lot and is able to make her wants known using gestures. If I ask her to point out body parts like "nose, mouth, eyes, hair, eyes etc" she's well able to point to them. She does get mixed up though between "where's MY nose?" and "where's YOUR nose?".

If she wants to be picked up she walks over and puts her arms above her head and makes a little noise to get your attention. Or she'll take your hand and pull you over somewhere to play together. She points at doors she wants opened or things she can't reach. She'll gesture at the stair gate in our house and I'll say "oh, do you want to go upstairs?" and she answers "yea".

I'm fascinated seeing how she learns and the associations she makes. Recently, I pointed out a bus to her as we were passing during a walk and she started doing the arm movements for the "wheels on the bus" song! When we feed her, my husband often says "mmm", like "try some broccoli, mmmm, yummy". And now I've noticed she points to food and says "mmm" when she wants to eat.

I'm excited for when she started saying more words and I'm curious about whether they'll be English or German!

Life lately

I thought I'd share some updates on what I've been up to since March.

St. Patrick's day

I knew I had to celebrate in some way even if only for a few hours! Some friends and I decided to go to one of the Irish pubs in town. Even though a few of them were going to bring their kids along I decided to leave Mini at home as I knew the pub would be crowded and sometimes she just gets overwhelmed in loud and busy places. My husband was happy to stay with her and I enjoyed getting to catch up with the girls over a Guinness or two. I actually rarely drink Guinness! I tend to prefer sweeter drinks like wine spritzer but it was Paddy's day after all so I ordered a pint with some cheese and onion crisps.

It was a fun afternoon. Everyone was in really good spirits. There were a mixture of all nationalities in the pub and I enjoyed mingling. For some reason this only seems to happen at Irish pubs in Germany I find. At the German pubs people tend to stay with the groups of friends they arrived with. Of course I had Mini dressed in a cute green outfit for the day. Hopefully next year she'll be old enough to enjoy the celebrations a bit more.

Daycare adjustment

In March Mini started going to KITA (daycare /creche). In Germany they do a very gradual settling in process called "Eingewöhnung" which typically lasts 4 to 6 weeks. It started off well, the first week there we went for around an hour each day and I even left her a few times. She was happy to explore the new place new but soon it clicked that Mummy was leaving her there and then she started crying at drop off. The very worst day was when she was upset for almost half an hour after I left. It was very hard on both of us. I burst into tears myself and one of the minders gave me a really big hug!

I felt a lot of guilt around sending her there, wondering whether I was doing the right thing. I reminded myself that I knew she was in good hands. The childminders there are lovely and I knew they would be comforting her and distracting her. Thankfully that one day was the worst and it got better from then on. The following day she was upset for around ten minutes after I left and subsequent days only a few minutes max. On some days I handed her over to the minder and she got upset but then I would wait outside the door for a moment and I could hear she had already stopped crying. I was also able to peak into the window and see her playing which helped with the guilt. She is now settled and happy there which is a huge relief! I've been working more hours now and that's been going well too.

Time outdoors

The weather has finally started improving here and we've been able to spend more time outdoors lately. The German winter lasted a long time this past year but now all of a sudden we've started getting warm Summer like days. Hubby and I got a yearly pass to the zoo and have already been there a few times. There are lots of playgrounds and a nice park area so it's a lovely place to walk around even if you don't go to look at the animals.

As Mini gets older she is able to partake more at playgrounds. I can put her into the baby swing or let her play in the sand with a bucket and spade for instance. Of course she still tries to put things like sand and stones in her mouth so I have to keep a close eye on her! One of my friends and I also went to the park for a picnic recently and Mini was happy to sit on the blanket and snack. The weather lately has been a bit like an Irish Summer actually which is pleasant. Once it gets to August/September here then you get this extreme heat which makes being outside during peak times less tolerable.

Watching / reading

Like most people, we are following and enjoying the final season of Game of Thrones! It will be strange once it's all over. I'm currently reading "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty and we've also been watching the TV series. I like the casting, the actors they've picked mainly match my idea of the characters. My book club met recently to discuss out last book which was "A Man Called Ove" by Fredrik Backman.

We've a few trips planned this Summer which I'm looking forward to. Anyway, enough about me. What's new with you?

One year old

Mini has now been in our lives for one whole year.

Personality

Now that she's turning into a toddler we see her personality more and more which has been really fun. She will take our hand and walk with us around the house. She loves getting into everything. If there is an open press, she will crawl over to it and start taking everything out of it as quickly as possible. I'm still working on teaching her to tidy up again after herself, haha! She likes to pick up random things off the floor and try to eat them much to our dismay. She enjoys looking through her books and being read to. She has a great sense of humour too. She often gets the giggles which is the cutest thing ever. She loves playing chasing and peekaboo.

Eating

She prefers to feed herself rather be fed and likes to eat whatever I'm eating. She'll try most things. Sometimes she'll eat a lot and still seems hungry so we keep offering her stuff and other days or times she barely eats anything. Breastfeeding is going well. I reached the one year mark and decided to keep going. The new goal is to make it to two years which is the WHO recommendation. I've noticed many people have opinions about breastfeeding a toddler and aren't always that supportive. A lot of people have already asked about when I'm going to stop. It's a shame that some people feel uncomfortable about the idea of a child above 6 months or 1 year continuing to nurse when it should be seen as natural and normal. When we are out and about I don't tend to nurse much, usually just at home before naps and during the night and more often if she's sick.

Sleeping

Sleeping has improved but it's still not ideal. On a good night she'll go to sleep for the night around 8pm, then wake up once around midnight and then at 5am and be up for the day around 7. On bad nights she's more restless, whether due to teething or something else I'm not sure and she wakes those nights up to 4-5 times. When she wakes I usually try cuddling back to sleep to see if that works. If it doesn't then I nurse. Sometimes if I've just recently fed her then my husband will rock her back to sleep.

She's not saying any new words yet. Besides "dada, mama, duck.." She seems to understand things pretty well though. She points at places she wants to go and she recognizes words we use a lot. I recently tidied away a whole bunch of her old baby clothes and it made me feel sort of nostalgic. Sometimes I feel a little sad that Mini will be our one and only but I've mostly come to terms with it and am happy with our little family of three!

Now she's a toddler she shows her frustration at times. She's not old enough for me to reason with her but distraction usually works well. Or I just let her keep doing whatever she wants to do sa long as it's not dangerous or hurting anyone. Life with a one year old is exhausting but fun!

Working mother guilt

I was planning a post on whether it's possible for women to "have it all" and about the balance between motherhood and working but instead I can't help thinking about guilt. It's my impression that the majority of working mothers feel guilty to some extent. We know logically we are doing the right thing for our family by continuing to work whether it's due to financial or personal reasons but it still doesn't make it less hard leaving your child and hoping they are managing fine without you. I like my job and it has taken me a long time to get to where I am and I also don't feel like being a stay at home mum is for me. There was a stage where, I felt like I was losing myself in motherhood. Right now working part time gives me the best of both worlds in many ways - I can have some time to be "me" again and still retain that part of myself while also having more patience and appreciation for the time at home with my daughter.

Sometimes it feels like it is going perfectly too! I have my office days where I concentrate on work and the other days where I can go to various play groups with my daughter and enjoy family time. However there have also been some weeks where it feels like a total fail. Lately work has been extra stressful and I often have to do overtime then I can't shut it off easily once I get home. I feel guilt at work when there is lots to do and I don't want to leave colleagues in the lurch so I end up staying late to support my team. However when I make that choice then my daughter is missing out on the time with me which I feel guilty and sad about.

Recently some potential opportunities at work have been mentioned but they would mean trips away for conferences or evenings/weekends spent doing further training. Mini still seems so young and I am struggling with what to do. In a few weeks my husband will be going back to work himself and she'll be going to KITA here (daycare). My plan has been to increase my hours at work. The trouble is that I already feel like it's hard managing the work life balance lately and I wonder how it will be when I am working longer and spending less time at home. I hate the thought of barely seeing her all day during the week. However, I know I am very lucky that my company supports a part time working arrangement! Recently I read that quality of time spent with children is more important than quantity and it helps me to think of it that way.

First Christmas with Mini

Flying with a baby went much better than last time. We choose an earlier flight and made sure she got her naps. On the plane before take off she started getting cranky and hubby and I were worried about how the flight would go but I managed to get her to sleep soon after. She breastfed a little but then stopped and then I cuddled and stroked her head until she nodded off. She then slept through the entire flight to Ireland which was perfect!

She still wasn't a big fan of car journies unfortunately so those were difficult but it wasn't as bad as last time. I ended up often having to let her watch youtube videos on my phone so she wouldn't get upset (Wheels on the Bus / Five Little Ducks / Old Mac Donald). We tried to make sure she got one or two naps each day depending on what was on the agenda and she was generally good humoured. Occasionally she got a bit overstimulated by the end of the day and she was also teething pretty bad so a few evenings she was a bit grumpy and took longer to go to sleep!

Mini is 10 months now and still too young to really appreciate or understand Christmas. We took her to meet Santa at my local shopping centre and she cried when I put her on his lap. Oh dear! However, she loved seeing the Christmas trees everywhere ( I would hold her up to one so she could feel the tinsel and lights) and going new places.

I just loved everyone getting to spend time with her again. She is such a fun little person already. She can say "mama" and "dada", wave and clap. She also already understands a few phases I say a lot such as "let's look out the WINDOW" and "would you like some MILK?" and "open the door!"

For my birthday I got a spa voucher and enjoyed a massage, facial and manicure. It was so relaxing. I celebrated the day by going for afternoon tea with my family. It was the perfect low key birthday for how I was feeling but maybe next year I'll try to organize something bigger. Having a birthday around Christmas always makes it really difficult to plan something as it's such a busy time for everyone!

There were just two things that didn't go so well on the trip. Hubby and I had a fight on Christmas day. I think it was the stress getting to us both. I do some baby led weaning with Mini and she started gagging/chocking on some turkey and hubby freaked out and lost his temper at me. It was scary and upsetting but she's fine thankfully. She had fallen earlier that day and I'd gotten cross at him for not watching her which had bothered him. We have both made new year resolutions to be kinder to one another and more of a parenting team again.

The other thing that bugged me was all the unwanted advice about our parenting we kept getting! People compliment Mini for being a very happy baby but then constantly tell us things like "you'll need to get her used to sleeping in her cot" when they hear we bedshare and that it's a "bad habit" that we usually lie next to her for naps. It made me feel defensive and frustrated as we are doing our best. Mini is a contact loving baby and my husband and I are fine with the situation - it works for our family- so why does it bother other people so much?

It was fun for me to spend time with family and relations again on the trip and the friends who were able to meet me. Unfortunately since the holidays are such a busy time, there were several people I didn't get to see. We're planning another trip back to Dublin in the Summer though. I felt a bit homesick when we were leaving. It's a pity I live so far away but my life is very much in Germany now and I can't see us moving. It was a lovely Christmas and I'm looking forward to when we travel over again to Dublin in the Summer and Mini can experience even more of Ireland and its culture.

Momsomnia

The first few days after Mini was born I barely slept. It wasn't that she wasn't sleeping, I just had too much adrenaline from the birth and could not switch off! Also I kept checking on her while she slept to make sure she was ok. The next month or so after we got home from the hospital, I was so tired I would literally just pass out from exhaustion once we finally got Mini to sleep at night. There were a few times I fell asleep accidentally which is something that could potentially be dangerous. Never on the couch though. Once in the early morning for instance I had Mini lying on my chest as she slept better that way but in those days I was paranoid about bedsharing so I was just planning to let her sleep and rest myself. Next thing I woke up and realised I had been dreaming. But neither Mini or I had moved and she was perfectly fine.

Sometimes I would pass out at night only to wake a few hours later with a start to hear Mini crying in her cot beside me. It used to take me a second or two to remember I was and what I needed to do! A few times over the first few weeks my husband and I had awful nightmares about something happening to Mini which was scary. I think we were just so paranoid about SIDS. My sleeping gradually because lighter. Especially as we stopped needing to supplement with formula and I exclusively breastfed. I found myself waking up and I would look over at Mini and she would be awake but not crying and I would wonder what woke me. She must have made some tiny noise which I picked up on as we were so in tune with each other.

I was probably overly responsive at this stage. Instead of giving her a moment to see if she might resettle herself, I would think, "oh it's been several hours, she's probably hungry" and then feed her! Anyway her sleep naturally improved gradually until 3.5 months when the four month sleep regression started early. This is totally normal if you look at graphs of infant sleep but it was hard to deal with initially when I could no longer encourage her to sleep any of the night in her cosleeper cot. This is around the time I read up on safe cosleeping and started bedsharing. It helped so much and once I got the hang of the safe positions. We both got better sleep despite the numerous wake ups and I felt more rested!

I'm not sure what happened around 6 months though. Mini's nights were mixed at that stage. Some good some bad. Typically around 3-4 wakeups or more. Suddenly I found myself dealing with insomnia. It was like I had forgotten how to sleep! I would often think to myself, well is there any point falling asleep now since she will probably wake up in an hour anyway, which wasn't very condusive. Some nights I fell asleep alright but then after the first wake up I wasn't able to go back asleep. I remember one night lying awake for several hours while Mini slept peacefully beside me. So frustrating! Apparently this insomnia is very comment for parents, particularly mothers that it even has a name, Momsomnia. It can happen once your baby is finally sleeping through the night that you have forgotten how to sleep yourself. Or like me that you have become such a light sleeper and are so used to waking constantly that it is hard to stay asleep.

Some things helped luckily. I downloaded a blue light filter for my phone and use that in the evenings. Also I stopped keeping track of Mini's wake ups and would put my phone somewhere else overnight. I also removed any white light from the bedroom and now we use a red night light. Before going to bed my husband usually minds Mini to give me a chance to wind down a little as I find when I am on the go non stop all day and then suddenly it's bedtime, I just can't switch off that easily! Sometimes I even write down all my anxieties and thoughts on a pace of paper to deal with another time, which help clear my mind. Or having a relaxing shower helps too.

Unfortunately I still get the insomnia occasionally. Mini's sleep recently got worse during the eight month sleep regression. I am certainly looking forward to the time when she sleeps longer and better at night. That said, I love our nightly snuggles and know I'll miss them once she does sleep through (eventually!).

A half a year old

And just like that my daughter turned six months old. It's a fun age! I love watching her discovering the world and learning new things each day. She's grown so much the past few months. People often comment on the difference.

• Feeding
When she was 25 weeks, around a week before she turned 6 months we started with solids. I guess I was too impatient to wait one more week! We have started VERY slowly though. The first day we cooked and pureed some carrots and potato. My husband tried spoon feeding her but she grabbed the spoon off him to play with it instead! She made some funny faces but I think she liked it. There was such a mess afterwards, food all over her face, even in her hair. I'm not sure whether she actually ate any of it! Over the next few days we tried giving her carrots & potatoes again then a little pumpkin. She seems to enjoy trying new foods. At most she eats around 4-5 spoonfuls. Maybe after a month once she is eating well, we would probably try to introduce a second meal such as porridge with fruit.

Mini enjoyed avocado mixed with banana the most I'd say. Apple was also a hit. I've bought some baby jars of meat to try this week. We are doing traditional weaning. I had considered Baby Led Weaning but my husband wasn't keen on the idea as he was too nervous of the choking risk and so we decided to stick with the standard format for now. In fact, being Germany, of course there are certain rules and structure to how to do it!

First you start with "Brei" which is pureed vegetable. You are meant to introduce one vegetable at a time, usually carrot. Then the next step is to try that vegetable with potato. Once the baby is eating that well, then you can start giving pureed vegetable, potato and meat. You are allowed to exchange the potatoe with some other grain which is gluten free such as millet. They recommend meat is given five days a week although one of those days you may replace the meat with fish.

Step two is you introduce a second meal of baby porridge with milk and fruit. Also a gradual process. Ideally by around 8-10 months the baby will be eating three meals a day. We had a talk at one of my German baby groups on traditional weaning by a nutritionist. I asked whether you could give avocado instead of carrots. The answer I got was that Germany already has such great vegetables such as carrots and turnips that there is no need for fancy exotic stuff like avocados! When I asked whether we could use olive oil instead of the recommended rapeseed oil the answer was also along the lines of "this is how we do it in Germany". So that's that!

Apart from the solids, Mini is still being breastfed as usual on demand. It's going so well, I don't see any reason to stop. I am delighted to have made it this far despite a rocky start!

• Playing
At this age babies have longer "wake times" and now want to be entertained! Sometimes I get the impression Mini gets bored of staying at home and enjoys herself more when I take her out with me to meet other babies or go for walks. People smile at her and she smiles back! It's nice to meet up with friends at the park, put some blankets down in the shade and let the babies roll around and play with their toys while we chat. Until the babies get overtired and need to nap that is!

When she was around four months Mini rolled over twice from her back to her front but she hasn't done it since. She used to hate tummy time and would only tolerate it for a few minutes. I started to worry she wasn't keeping up with the other babies since others can roll and some can even crawl already at this age but I read that each baby focuses their attention on different skills at a time. Maybe she is concentrating on her vocal skills. She started off making a lot of vowel noises and now it sound like she has moved onto consonant sounds. She makes "mmm" noises almost as if she is trying to say "mama". I know that will be such an emotional moment for me once she actually says it. I have been trying to do a little baby sign language with her too.

Mini rolls onto her side and back and tries to grab and eat anything in sight. She can even sit now for several seconds on her own, but I just have to be ready to catch her when she falls as she's a bit wobbly still. One of the sweetest things is her laugh. Occasionally one of us can make her chuckle! For instance one time when I pretended to sneeze or by playing peek a boo. She's generally good humoured and lots of people have commented on what a happy baby she is which makes me feel like we must be doing something right!



• Sleeping
Sigh. The sleeping is still bad. Well the main problem is the very frequent night time wake ups. I've tried a whole bunch of tips I've read about and sometimes it seems like things are improving but really it's a mixture of good and bad nights no matter what I do. Currently we are going through Leap 5 which is notorious for bad sleep. Maybe things will get a bit better once that's over. On a good night she "only" wakes around three or four times. On a bad night up to ten! At some point I lose count.

I've also been suffering from insomnia lately which has been hard. I'll finally get Mini to sleep or back to sleep and then I lie there unable to switch off myself. It can be really frustrating. I just hope the sleeping situation improves by the time I go back to work as I am worried about how I'll be able to function with so little sleep in the office. Having lots of chocolate and tea during the day has been helping me cope!

We can still only get her to nap in our arms, or in the baby wearing carrier. We haven't tried in the buggy recently as it was hit and miss anyway and lately she doesn't like to be in it for that long. A few times I have tried putting her down into her cot once she falls asleep but she always seems to wake up and cry and then I feel guilty for even trying when she's not ready yet. One thing that I started doing since around four months though is for one of her naps, usually the morning one, I'll bring her back into the bedroom with the blinds down and white noise on. I then nurse her to sleep and I also rest beside her. In theory I could try to roll away at that stage and go do something else but I'm often tired myself so often use the time to nap aswell or just relax and look at my phone.

Yesterday morning I was lying with her for her morning nap and thinking how lovely it was. I was on my side curled around her and she was lying facing me with her little hand on my arm. It was around 10am and it suddenly occurred to me that once I'm back at work in just two months time that at 10 am I would of course be in the office already and I would miss out on sweet moments like these. It made me feel a little sad then and it was a reminder to enjoy this time while my baby is so young and still needs me so much!

My husband had some time off recently and it's been lovely being able to spend time together as a family. We took Mini to baby swimming for the first time. She seemed to enjoy it! She loves bath time too. Maybe because it reminds her of her water birth! The weather has been nice and I've been to the park and zoo with her several times. She's not particularly interested in the animals yet but it's still a nice place to walk around and lots for her to see. A few weeks we attended our second wedding with Mini. We ended up leaving around the same time as my sister's one, 10.30pm, but up until then she was managing great! Soon we are going on a trip to Ireland and I am really excited to introduce her to my friends and to spend time with my family again.

Why we won't be doing Cry It Out

There has been many a night where I've been googling advice for how to get your baby to sleep. Inevitably I would end up coming across some kind of advice involving Cry It Out (CIO). This is a form of sleep training which pretty much involves leaving your child to cry in their cot several nights in a row until they learn to "self-soothe". The most extreme version is called "extinction". There are slightly less extreme methods where you come back after fixed amounts of time or you pick the baby up to comfort them and then put them back down again, or where you just pat and shush them. They all involve letting the baby cry and say that it's normal for your child to "protest" any changes. "Controlled crying" is another term that is often used. Once the baby has been fed and has a clean nappy then the idea is that they are fine and you need to "help" them learn the skill of falling asleep by themselves. It doesn't matter if the baby is crying for other reasons such as being too hot/cold/tired/uncomfortable. You can probably already tell I'm not a fan! There are even articles written by baby sleep coaches which make you feel like a bad parent for not doing Cry It Out! Being able to fall asleep independently is a skill that children need to learn just like riding a bike you are told. One site went on to say that babies who sleep better are more successful in school when they are older. They imply you are damaging your baby by not sleep training! It's confusing as a parent because obviously you want the best for your child.

Could there even be some babies who don't respond that badly to CIO methods? One Irish blogger I came across wrote that her baby "only" cried for 15 minutes the first night and then slept great from then on. A friend of mine told me that one day she just put her baby down in her cot after which she "fussed" a little bit, not full on crying before falling asleep and from then on she slept fine in her cot! I remember thinking ok I'll try it if it's really that easy! I put Mini into her cosleeper in a dark room with white noise playing. We had the baby monitor on and my husband and I watched downstairs to see what would happen. At first she seemed happy enough playing by herself. Then she started to winge and make unhappy noises. I waited a moment longer but her whimpers started to escalate so then I quickly went and picked her up. She hadn't even been left for long, maybe two minutes and she already had tears in her eyes and looked really upset. I felt awful seeing her like that and decided I wouldn't be trying that again! My husband is on the same page as he also can't bear to see Mini upset.

The thing is of course I get it. Being sleep deprived myself, I understand why parents are tempted by CIO. Just a few nights of letting your baby cry and then they start sleeping 10-12 hours a night without waking up, allegedly! What's really happening though? We aren't just talking about leaving a baby to whinge a little, this can be full on hysterical crying being ignored. Research suggests leaving babies to cry for long periods like that is traumatic for them and can cause anxiety in later life. In order to form a secure attachment, their caregivers should be responsive to their needs. There was a study which showed that even after the babies stopped crying on the third night their stress hormone cortisol was still raised. It is also unrealistic to expect young infants to sleep for so long without needing to feed, especially breast fed ones. It is normal for babies to wake several times a night and sometimes society needs to adjust its expectations and not make parents feel like their baby is "bad" for not sleeping well.

There was one site I read and it talked about how sleep deprived parents are in danger of being in a car accident. The mothers are more likely to get depressed and depressed mothers are less responsive to their baby's needs which is bad for the babies. Cry It Out seems to be particularly popular in the States. It's no coincidence in my opinion that the parental leave there is also really short compared to other countries. Parents who are having to go back to work when their babies are still only a few months old and still sleeping badly naturally find it difficult! I know I am lucky that living in Germany we can take advantage of the long parental leave. On nights when Mini sleeps particularly badly I can go back to bed during her morning nap or just have a lazy day at home. I don't know how I would be able to function in the office after particularly bad nights.

I accidentally joined a facebook group that supported Cry It Out while I was searching for gentle methods to encourage longer stretches of sleep. Some women were writing things like how sleep training saved their marriage! Reading a lot of the posts on the group started to really upset me though. People weren't just leaving their babies to cry for 10-15 minutes but hours on end! Night after night. Some of the babies were getting so distraught they were even vomiting. And the sleep training wasn't only done once, whenever the sleeping got worse again the parents would have to redo the Cry It Out methods. I felt so sorry for the babies. Whenever a mother in the group would write how hard it was to ignore her baby's cry, the responses were to just "wear earphones", "drink wine" or telling them that they are doing their babies a "favour" helping them learn that skill. It just seemed so wrong and unnatural to me. There was one mother who wrote that her baby now hyperventilates and gets upset as soon as she brings him into the bedroom and isn't the happy smiley baby he once was anymore! There's something wrong with that picture.

Adjusting my expectations and not comparing our baby to others has helped me a lot. When I used to have the idea that Mini should be sleeping long 8-10 hour stretches without waking then I would feel like a bad parent because we are so very far from that. However, once I came across other resources which were more realistic about baby's sleeping patterns and what is normal especially for breastfed babies who tend to wake more often at night, then I felt much better about the situation. Sometimes just reading accounts from other mothers helped. For instance knowing how common it is for a baby to prefer to sleep in your arms than in their cot! The sites I found most helpful for adjusting my expectations were; Milk Meg, Kellymom and Sarah hockwell-smith. This also made me laugh; To the losers who haven't sleep trained their babies. These all made me realise how normal it is for a baby to wake up frequently at night for various reasons while they are so young. I read up on safe co sleeping and this is what has helped me alot! Also reminding myself that the sleep will improve and seeing how happy Mini is when she wakes up beside me.

Recently, I started reading Elizabeth Pantley's "The no cry sleep solution", a gentle parenting book. She writes that when you start searching for sleep training tips there tend to be only two trains of thought, one which advocates cry it out and the other which says basically do nothing, wait it out. Eventually babies will learn to self soothe even if it takes until they are aged two or three. It is a shame that isn't much in between the two camps and hence the book tries to bridge the gap by offering lots of gentle ideas which I am hoping to try. She points out that improvements using those suggestions won't happen overnight. It could be several weeks or even months before you see an improvement but her ideas don't involve leaving the children to cry which is great. There was a study I came across which showed no long term benefit of sleep training. Six months later babies who weren't sleep trained were sleeping just as well as the babies who were, implying that the "wait and see" approach might not be so bad.

That said, I'm going back to work in a few months and I really hope I'll be getting more unbroken sleep by then. In the meantime I have started trying some gentle suggestions from the book. One tip is when the baby wakes to wait for a moment and see if they settle by themselves before doing anything. I had gotten into the habit of picking Mini up immediately when she would stir and breastfeeding her back to sleep. Now I try (whenever I remember) to wait first and sometimes she falls right back to sleep without any help, or just after I stroke her head a little. When it looks like she is starting to wake up fully then I just feed her. The good thing is that after drinking she usually falls back asleep quickly which is great. It's just the frequency of her wake ups can be tough! I am hoping that once she starts solids that might help her sleep longer too. Also when my husband is on his parental leave he'll be available to help out.

As previously mentioned, I understand the appeal of doing some sort of sleep training. Ever since the four month sleep regression started Mini has been waking every 1-3 hours all night long. When she sleeps for 2 or 3 hour stretches it's not as bad. The nights where she's waking hourly are really tough though as you can imagine! I feel like a zombie some days. However, a baby's only way of communication is through crying and I don't think that should be ignored. There are many reasons for them to cry that don't just involve hunger or needing a nappy change. Sometimes they just want comfort. The world can be a scary place for them! Lately Mini doesn't feed as well during the day because she can be too distracted by everything that's going on around her and then she needs to catch up overnight. This is quite common for 4-6 month old babies. If I were to leave her to cry, then she could end up underfed!

If you are thinking about using the Cry It Out method yourself, please wait until the baby is at least six months old. I don't judge other parents who have sleep trained. At the end of the day each family has to decide for themselves what is right. However, why not try out some more gentle methods first? For now we are mainly doing the "wait and see" approach knowing that Mini will eventually learn to sleep better in her own time. We are also going to try gradually getting her used to taking some of her day time naps in her cot if possible. At the moment she still only naps in our arms or very occasionally in the buggy. Not that I don't enjoy Mini napping on me, it's very sweet!

Do you know of any good baby sleeping tips that you have tried or heard of that worked? Was it just time that made the biggest difference?

How we've ended up attachment parenting

There's this new Netflix comedy series called The Let Down. It centers around a new mother of a two month old living in Australia. She's not coping that well. Her husband is busy with work, she has little support, her old work friends don't want to hang out with her anymore and her baby won't sleep! She joins a parenting group and makes some friends that way and the show is about her and the other families. It was really funny and relatable!

The reason I'm mentioning it, is that there's this one scene where she goes to a bookstore to buy a book on sleep training. She talks to the guy working there and says she's looking for a recommendation. He then asks what her parenting style is. She doesn't know and he starts listing the different types. Attachment, French, gentle, helicopter etc etc...it's a long list and she is left more baffeld than ever!

My impression is that there are two main types of parenting styles. Parent or baby led. It's really about whatever works for each family.

Parent led is where the baby should ideally fit in somewhat with their lives. The mother may only have a short maternity leave for instance and decide to use formula over breastfeeding. The parents may choose to do some form of sleep training, for instance the 'Cry it Out' method at some stage. They attempt to get a routine going for their child. Perhaps a feed only every 3-4 hours. They go for walks with their baby in a buggy and keep putting the baby down for naps. They are training their baby to be more independent you could say, getting them used to the world we live in.

Baby led is the opposite. It is driven by the baby's needs and encompases styles such as attachment and gentle parenting. Most likely breastfeeding on demand. Lots of babywearing. The parent tries to make the fourth trimester as easy a transition as possible for their child. There wouldn't be any sleep training but just knowing the child will eventually get there. Co-sleeping is likely. This approach tends to be much harder on the parents as it's more demanding and they rarely get any time to themselves. However research has shown that responding to your babies needs now helps them become more secure and independent later.

Most parents are a combination of the two I would say. They might baby wear but formula feed. Breastfeeding might not have worked out for a multiple of reasons. Some babies are also "easier" than others which can affect which parenting style the parents end up using. One of the girls from my birth preparation course is able to fed her baby then simply put her down somewhere and she will keep napping and then the mum has time to cook or whatever! Mini would only sleep in someone's arms so naturally we embraced baby wearing. Initially we had been misguidedly trying to space out her feeds (following advice from my Hebamme and doctor) which probably affected my supply. Once I switched to breastfeeding on demand, it led to a happier baby.

I guess we have ended up following attachment style parenting! There were times when I was tempted to give up on breastfeeding as it has made things much more demanding on me but I am glad I have stuck it out as it has gotten a lot more manageable now. At this age babies are more efficient at feeding and don't need to eat as frequently or as long. That said, in general Mini feeds every 2-2.5 hours which is still pretty often! And because she refuses to take a bottle anymore I also can't leave her for long. I was able to go to the hairdresser a few weeks ago though and that was nice, I just had to really hurry!

I am trying to get a bit of a routine going for Mini these days; wake, feed, play, sleep and I try to make sure she naps during the day as we have learnt the hard way that she gets very cranky when overtired! Lately I have also been attempting to get Mini used to the buggy and encouraging her to take some of her day time naps in there and not always on me. It works occasionally! Just this morning I got her settled and napping in the bassinet. However then someone rang the doorbell and woke her up so then I had to wear her in the sling and bounce on the fitness ball for a full 20 minutes just to get her to sleep again!

Now that she is almost four months and getting heavier the babywearing can be a bit harder on my back. Also there is heatwave here so you can end up even more uncomfortable and sweaty. I am gradually hoping to get a little more of a balance going so that I can occasionally have a little "me" time. It can be tricky finding that balance as a parent! That said, I realize this phase where my baby needs me so much will pass and then I'll look back and miss these days. Even though I talk about how challenging it can all be, I still really hate the thought of being away from her for so long once I go back to work.

When there are nights with bad sleep I try to remind myself that this will not last and it will get better. There was actually a few weeks where Mini was doing 4-6 hour stretches and even one night of 7 hours which was amazing but then the 4 month sleep regression started early and now she is waking up every 2-3 hours. Sometimes wide awake ready to party at 5am! If the sleeping still isn't great by around six months then we might have to think about doing some very gentle sleep training. Definitely not cry it out though! That wouldn't be something we are comfortable with. I have been reading a book called The no cry sleep solution for tips. I am hoping that when she is six months and we start solids that I'll be gradually able to reduce how often I breastfeed too.

I am lucky that I have a few more months before I have to go back to work so I am generally able to cope with the lack of sleep. Actually we are now co-sleeping, another attachment style parenting thing! The first part of the night I try to get Mini to sleep in her cosleeper cot next to me but then after her first feed I would often find that she wouldn't want to go back into it. There were mornings where I would let her sleep on me, but then I was too scared to sleep myself as I was terrified of SIDS. As time went on I started reading up on safe cosleeping guidelines and I decided to try it last month. Now when Mini wakes I bring her to me then feed her lying down. I lie on my side curled around her and make sure the blanket only goes to our waist. It took me awhile to get used to it but now I find that we both sleep better so that's working out well. It's ideally just a temporary thing though! I realise it could make things more difficult when the time comes to transition her into her own room but we'll face that then. Maybe when she's around one.

It's funny how you have some ideas about how you might parent but when you become one that can all change! I remember a friend telling me how her daughter would comfort feed and I thought at the time I wouldn't let that happen, instead I would give our baby a pacifier/soother. Initially I didn't try giving her a soother though as I had various problems with breastfeeding and I read that could make it worse. After waiting about six weeks I tried to offer her a soother but Mini just wasn't into it! She would make a face and spit it out and cry. I bought lots of different brands but nothing worked. Initially I was a little disappointed but now I think that at least we won't have trouble weaning her off it later on. My Hebamme was against comfort feeding. Her suggestion was that whenever Mini finishes feeding properly and starts sucking for comfort to take her off and put her down immediately so she learns not to do that. I tried that once and she got really upset and then I just ended up feeling bad! I decided afterwards that I'm fine with her comfort feeding if she needs to. When she's upset we may try other ways such as rocking or cuddling but sometimes only offering the boob will do and when it works it's great, it really calms her down, almost like a sedative!

The Hebamme also thought we should keep giving Mini one bottle of formula at night to help us sleep better. I decided not to do that as once I got my supply up, I wanted to exclusively breastfeed if I could. She told me I am making things harder on myself and she's probably right. Mini is such a happy smiley baby now though that it makes me feel more confident in our parenting choices. She's a really fun age now too.She's a lot more interactive, smiling at us and grabbing for toys. I also feel like we know her personality much better so we are able to calm her when she is upset. She has a lot of happy phases now though! I have been considering trying out baby sign language to try to teach her a few words. I'm excited for what the next few months will bring!

You don't have to love every second

This past week I've struggled a bit. Things had started to really improve. I'd say from around the time our little girl, who I'll nickname Mini for this blog, was around eight weeks, I felt like I had finally gotten into a nice rhythm and had been able to really enjoy being a mum. I started going out to meetups with other mothers to get out of the house. Of course it still feels a little strange at times to be part of this world now. I'm finally a member of the exclusive parent club which I'd struggled for years to join.

The girls from my birth preparation course meet up once every week or two and it's been nice to make new friends. So far we have just been meeting in each other's houses or apartments but hopefully we'll start going out to cafes soon as well. Some of the women feel uncomfortable about the idea of breastfeeding in public. I've already fed Mini several times while out and about now! It has gotten easier with practice. There are ways to be discreet about it, but Germany is very open about breastfeeding which is great.

There's a group of english speaking mothers in the German town where I live who regularly meet for brunches at kid friendly cafes. Anyway I got chatting to one of them and she mentioned that her and her husband had a very difficult time trying to conceive their daughter. We didn't go into details about how long it had taken or what treatment she had undertaken but I also shared that it wasn't easy for us. Her child would have really bad crying spells and she was telling me about how difficult it was. Also the fact that her daughter was such a miracle, she would feel a lot of pressure to enjoy every moment even the hard ones. She said she had to allow herself to accept that sometimes being a parent is really hard with bad days and not feel bad about not appreciating each second.

That resonated with me and helped me when we were having a really bad week. There's this app and book called the Wonder Weeks. Babies go through developmental leaps during certain times and it affects their behaviour. Some children don't change that much but for other ones who are more sensitive, they are really affected. Mini is one of them!

During leap 3 she would cry really easily but also much louder than before! A loud screaming cry. It was awful, I hated seeing her like that! Most of the usual "tricks" to calm her down wouldn't work. There was also a sleep regression. Two nights in particular were awful. She had been sleeping one long stretch of around 4-5 hours before then. One night the previous week she even slept for 6 hours which was amazing. On these two bad nights during leap 3 she only slept three hours. The rest of the night she wouldn't settle and only napped for really short amounts like 20-50 minutes.

Since I am exclusively breastfeeding, it can feel like I never get a break. My husband has been extra busy in work lately and hasn't been able to offer me much support. One of the downsides of living so far from home is that I don't have my family around. My sister and Dad were over visiting a few weeks ago which was great but obviously I can't spend time with them as often as if I lived at home.

My husband's mother has been a good help. She comes to visit once every week or two and usually cooks something. Usually I can hand Mini over and she'll happily nap on my mother in law and I get a little break. This time, probably due to leap 3 she was especially clingy to me. I would get her to sleep and gently hand her over but then she would wake and cry for me again! Mini also wanted to breastfeed a lot. There's a three month growth spurt and I just felt like I was stuck on the couch for hours on end. I remember one day where I had to skip dinner because I just couldn't find a moment to eat.

Parenting can be really hard and it helps to not feel guilty when you have moments where you struggle!

Thoughts on parenting

I've written countless posts in my head but never seem to get the time to get to my computer and write them down! Everyone keeps commenting on how fast time goes when you have kids and though it can feel slow in the moment, especially when you are up all night, overall it has been going quickly. Our little one is two months already. And things are finally now starting to get more manageable! Some of the highlights or things that stick out in my memory...

The good

I could stare at our little girl all day. She has such a cute little face and is really sweet. I can't stand to see her cry or when she is upset. I am so proud to be her mother. She is quite a mummy's girl at the moment and I hope that we will have a close mother daughter relationship as she gets older. I'm looking forward to all of the fun things we can do together.

Seeing my husband with her melts my heart. After she was born I would catch him telling the baby how much he loves her, it was the sweetest thing. We both take loads of pictures and videos and love talking about her!

I've had a lot of challenges with breastfeeding but it is finally going well now and I am proud of myself for sticking with it. It can be very effective for stopping crying and it's sweet how much our baby enjoys it. It was something I really wanted to do so I am glad that it is finally working out.

Seeing how much love other people have for our child has also been lovely. My Dad and sister visited twice and it's been heart warming seeing the relationship developing. My husband's family have been over many times and I'm delighted our little one has so many people in her life who care about her.

The cuddles are great! It's so sweet when our baby is snuggled up sleeping on me. Even if it means I can't move for hours!

When she smiles. I live for those little smiles! And I heard that in the next few weeks babies that age start laughing, I can't wait for that stage. The more she can interact with us the more fun it gets.

The bad

Yeah, the breastfeeding like I mentioned has not been easy. It was extremely painful at the start. I had a problem with low milk supply and had to supplement with formula. It was a struggle getting our baby to latch at times. There were moments where she was screaming crying but couldn't seem to latch and I was in tears myself feeling like a bad mother. I had to use nipple shields the first month because of the pain and latch issues but then I was able to gradually wean off them. In order to increase my supply I started to breastfeed more often, I pumped (several times a day, even in the middle of the night), took some herbs and made an effort to drink a lot more fluids.

It took a few hard weeks and I almost gave up several times but we were able to gradually reduce the formula bottles and for the past 3-4 weeks I have been breastfeeding exclusively. It can be very demanding. I had no idea for instance, before I had a baby that there is this thing called cluster feeding where the baby, particularly during a growth spurt, will want to feed for hours on end! That can be exhausting.

The sleep deprivation has been the number one hardest aspect. Our little girl isn't a great sleeper unfortunately. I had a month of only getting about 3-4 hours sleep on average per night. At times I thought I would pass out from the exhaustion. I am amazed at how I am still able to function somehow on so little sleep.

Things have improved but still aren't great. These days she will sleep for around 3-5 hours in one go. That's her longest stretch at the beginning of the night and then after that she might do another 1.5 or 2 hours or maybe not! Sometimes she only catnaps for 30-45 min cycles until morning! I've started doing co-sleeping in the early morning as it's the only way I can get some sleep! It can also take hours some nights just to get her to sleep in the first place.

The funny

The fact that it takes us hours to be ready to leave the house. You have to laugh. First the baby gets fed, then we get ourselves ready, then baby needs a nappy change, then maybe we realise we need to eat or drink something, by then the baby will be hungry again..and so it continues..

Poop explosions are another thing that you just have to laugh about! I need to pack outfit changes in the nappy bag as sometimes the poop just gets everywhere. Baby farts are pretty funny too.

Babies make funny noises and do such cute movements. When our little one wakes up from a nap she spends the first few seconds doing all these little stretches.

We have to take turns eating a lot of the time. There have even been a few times where my husband had to even spoon feed me as I was stuck breastfeeding and hadn't eaten in hours. I remember one time cutting up his dinner so he would be able to eat it while the baby napped on him. These days I have mastered the art of eating with one hand! Or if the baby is in a good mood we can her in the bouncer during our mealtimes.

The world can wait

It's Friday morning. The house is quiet. My husband's at work. The kitchen is a mess. There's a huge pile of laundry in the basket and I wonder if I'll even find a moment to shower today. Just getting a chance to eat and drink enough can be a challenge!

You see, I have a one month old. I'm currently lying in bed with her snuggled beside me. Last night I only got at most a total of four hours sleep and it's more or less been like that since she's been born! I'm actually amazed how I'm still able to function on so little sleep.

However, though it's been hard, and honestly parenting a newborn has been more challenging than I had expected, I look at her tiny cute little face beside me, her arm on my stomach and I just think how amazing it is that she is here. That she even exists! I am so grateful that we are now parents which I honestly had been thinking would never happen.

It still feels surreal to me that I'm a mum now! That I have a daughter. I get emotional when I think about it all too much. The nights are long, I never have a moment to myself but babies grow up and one day she won't need me as much. So right now I'm going to relax, enjoy the baby cuddles and cherish this time together.

week 39 - Baby is here!

So I actually went into labour the night after I wrote my last post! It all happened very fast. The doctor had told me that I would probably give birth within the next few days. At three am that night my waters broke and at a quarter past nine in the morning I gave birth to our daughter! A beautiful healthy girl - who arrived one week early. 2.95kilos.

I plan to share my full birth story soon but things are pretty hectic here with a newborn as you can imagine! It was a positive experience overall, I didn't labour for that long and I had a water birth in the end. It was very tough going though!

I don't think my husband would feel comfortable with my sharing pictures here on the blog but if you would like to see some then just email me directly at dublinerindeutschland@gmail.com.