Tuesday, May 23, 2023
Hurtful comments
A few weeks ago my daughter (who I've nicknamed Mini for the blog), was interacting with a young baby lying on a playmat. It was a cute little girl around 3/4 months old who was smiling up at us. It was a sweet moment until the child's mother said to Mini, "would you like to have a sister?"
Mini can be a little shy sometimes and wasn't saying anything and I just said "No, no.." and shook my head. Instead of noticing my obvious discomfort at the topic, the women then said to Mini "tell your mother to give you a sister!" I was quite shocked to be honest and because I tend to be a people pleaser and overly polite, I just said "No, she's enough for us" and then mumbled something about me being too old anyway. The woman wouldn't let it go and kept saying "No?" and being quite pushy about it!
In the end I walked away with Mini but I was quite annoyed by the interaction. If you follow my blog, you'll know something about the long arduous journey we went through to have our daughter. I still think it's a miracle she's here at all!
We can't have any more children, unless we were to go down the IVF road again and even then there is no guarantee it would even work again. Emotionally, physically and mentally, I don't want to put myself through all that again. We have made peace with the fact that we are a family of three and love our little unit.
Insensitive comments like that are still a sore spot though and upset me. I wish I had spoken up and just told the lady we can't have any more kids and let her feel bad because then she would hopefully think twice before saying stuff like that to someone again!
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I wish people would just think before they speak - or at least drop the subject after the initial comment. When I announced I was pregnant with the twins one of my friends messaged to say congratulations and added "I just assumed you didn't want kids". I definitely didn't hesitate to tell him exactly how long we'd been trying!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you told him. It seems so incredible to me that there are so many people around who never fathom that someone might be dealing with infertility!
DeleteOh geez, what an awkward situation and insensitive comment. I remember how comments about having another child rankled especially when we were trying for a second child but had no idea if or when we would get pregnant. You shouldn't have to defend your choices or explain the complexities of your life to random people. Although mentally preparing a statement could be a sanity-saver!
ReplyDeleteYea if felt too personal to start talking about it like that on the spot when I wasn't in the right headspace. I was just caught of guard.
DeleteNooooo.... What a terrible interaction! That question is bad enough, there are so many reasons why that is NONE OF HER BUSINESS, but holy hell, to manipulate your daughter that way? To make it seem like a sibling is a gift, is easy, is something you are withholding from her, is so wrong. I might not have had the words in the moment either, especially because it's in front of your child, but man works I want to track that lady down later. People are so thoughtless. I'm sorry this happened. People don't get that kids aren't a given for everyone, for a MULTITUDE of reasons. 💜💜💜
ReplyDeleteYes this idea of "giving your child a sibling" really bugs me too! A person is not a gift. And talking as if you can just click your fingers and a baby appears! Involving my daughter like that was really not ok. Later I felt angry about the whole thing and really wished I had said something.
DeleteI was travelling in May, so missed this. Trying to use your daughter to pressure you - or to find out information about you - is disgusting! I also feel torn between two issues - that people like this don't always deserve to know our stories either, because if they are insensitive enough to push the issue, they're probably never going to "get it." Yet
ReplyDeleteI also want to educate. But not at my expense - it's very much a personal reaction of mine to particular individuals.
So I'm trying to think of a "comeback" response, but I think I'd have just said a strong "No" and if she persisted, "don't you understand the meaning of 'no'?"