Feeling the distance

It is over ten years since I moved to southern Germany. Life has, for the most part, been good. There are many advantages to living in Germany. Of course there are times when I miss Ireland, although it is mainly the people there I miss the most. I think back nostalgically on my memories of growing up in Dublin. However, I am settled here now and Germany feels like my home.

It has always given me great comfort knowing that if I ever want to go back to Ireland for a vist, I could. Flights usually cost anything from around 80€ to 350€ return depending on whether you book last minute or whether it's peak season. Between travelling to the airport, the flight and getting to my family home in Ireland, it takes around eight hours in total.

Flying back to Ireland for every event I am invited to there of course isn't possible (unfortunately!) but over the years I have been able to make it over roughly 3 times a year. Friends and family have also visited me here which has been lovely, and between the various visits back and forth and the help of technology to keep in touch (whatsapp, skype/google hangout, phonecalls), Ireland hasn't felt all that far away.

However, now with the current Coronavirus pandemic, all that has changed. Suddenly Ireland may as well be as far away as Australia, because that's how it feels. I am still in touch with family and many friends but it's frustrating and even heartbreaking at times not knowing when it will be safe to tavel again. Other expat friends I have spoken to here feel the same way. I have been comforting myself with the thought that once there is a vaccine widely available (maybe by next Summer?), we will plan a really long trip to Ireland to try to make up for all the missed moments now.

Totally unrelated to the pandemic, my father has put our family home on the market. He had been talking about it for a several years so I did have lots of time to get used to the idea but there is something really sad about the thought of not being able to stay there when I do eventually make it back to Ireland..

Life during a pandemic

It's been almost three months since my last Coronavirus post which goes to show you just rare it is to have a moment to blog these days! During this time I feel like I have experienced the full range of emotions but these are some that stick out...

Anxiety

Initially hubby and I both felt very anxious about the situation - how could you not? We worried about our loved ones getting sick and were upset hearing about all the people worldwide who had lost someone- or even several people to the disease. Being an expat living in Germany I now feel even more isolated. Before the pandemic, Ireland was still "only" a plane ride away if need be, whereas now I have no idea when I will be able to see my family again. I would love if it could be this year at some stage but I am struggling with the decision because I don't want to put myself or others at risk of infection if I were to fly over there.

In the early days of the lockdown, I had a recurring fear about my husband and I both getting sick and having to go to hospital and I worried about what would happen to our daughter in that case. There was also a time when my Dad had potential exposure to Covid-19 and I was convinced that he had it and I felt really worried until he was in the clear. I had heard horrific stories about people dying alone in hospital devoid of any visitors. Thankfully, my loved ones haven't been affected by Covid-19 and Ireland and Germany are managing to flatten the curve. This has helped with my anxiety over time.

Stress

The first month or two was extremely stressful as we were adjusting to life during the lockdown. For me the hardest aspect has been trying to keep up with my job without having any childcare. Initially husband and I were both working from home and we were able to take turns minding our daughter while the other one worked, even if it meant working in the evenings or at the weekend. I found it really difficult at times to focus on my assignments with all the distractions and my productivity was suffering though.

Later on my husband was required to be physically present at work, initially only on certain days but then later full time making things more challenging for me. So my days would generally be spent working and only taking breaks to help mind my daughter or do housework. Barely any time to ever unwind for a moments. Hubby and I had a lot of arguments as is probably to be expected when you have two people who are extra stressed! I remember hearing that in China once lockdown was lifted there was a spike in people considering divorce and I could understand why! We mainly argued over things such as the division of labour and what we could or couldn't do due to Coronavirus. Anyway, thankfully hubby and I are communicating and getting on MUCH better lately.

This graphic is just tongue-in-cheek by the way, I realize there are many people who have less free time during Coronavirus times, not just parents- for instance health care and other essential workers. It's just when I see so many suggestions on social media about how to use all "the extra free time" on projects such as de-cluttering your house or learning foreign languages, I can't help thinking how different that is from my house at the moment. I don't mean it as a complaint, having my daughter at home more is wonderful, it is just also difficult at times when I don't have any opportunities to do things for myself such as exercising. I have decided that I'm not going to feel guilty about the extra screen time my daughter is being exposed to, because sometimes it's the only way I can find a moment to prepare food for us or just sit on the couch and switch off after a long day. I will say, that Mini and I both love the movie Frozen two and Netflix's Boss Baby tv series!

Lonely

There have been times where I've felt lonely and isolated. During the first six weeks, the only people I saw were my husband, daughter and strangers out walking. Thankfully there were some Zoom calls organized with friends which did help but I barely had time to attend them since I was already so busy juggling everything. And then, once people were allowed to meet up outside at a social distance, we still couldn't do that much - we don't have a car and were too nervous to use car sharing, travelling using public transport was advised against and I was having some issues with my bike so I still wasn't able to see most of my friends. Even if it were possible to get together, I found that many people were still too nervous to meet even once it was permitted. That's still how it is actually. I did manage to meet a few friends individually over the past few weeks thankfully but it was been lonely and isolating at times. My daughter is great but you miss adult conversation..

Appreciation

It hasn't all been bad though. Since I haven't had to be anywhere by certain times, we have been able to move at a slower pace. I don't have that crazy rush in the mornings trying to get myself and Mini ready to leave the house early to bring her to daycare and go to the office. I realize now that I used to over plan my life a lot in order to maximize my time but that didn't leave Mini with enough moments to just have "free play". For instance I had signed her up for a gymnastics class but I think that she's too young to get much out of it and she's actually much happier with simple things such as going for a walk or playing with mud in the garden! We also feel very grateful to have each other and that none of our loved ones have gotten sick.

Resourceful

Since we were trying to avoid going to the supermarket as much as possible we would try to only shop once and get enough to last us for 2-3 weeks. This meant having to meal plan and use up items in our cupboards. We have been cooking much more often which has been a nice side effect. My husband even started baking bread.

Initially the playgrounds were closed in Germany. Devoid of play groups or other structured activities, I had to come up with lots of crafts and imaginative play we could do at home. It has been fun teaching Mini to paint and baking with her.

Gratitude

I guess this is similar to the appreciation post. Being able to spend this extra time with Mini has been something that I will always treasure. Her general development has come on in leaps and bounds and I do think the extra individual attention has helped her. Her English language skills have now overtaken her German which has been nice for me to see.

It has been such a strange time in general. At this stage, several months in, many people are getting frustrated with the restrictions. I can completely understand that and of course it is a very difficult situation. However, I also know for the sake of those in the high risk groups who are in danger of becoming seriously ill if they catch the virus, it is a bad idea to let ourselves become too complacent at this stage.

One positive aspect I notice is that without the distractions of a busy social schedule, I get the impression people have been being given an opportunity to examine everything around them and think about what new world we want to build after all this is over. Instead of just "going back to normal", let's create a better society for everyone! The coronavirus has been a tradegy for humans, no doubt about that, but there have been many positive effects on the environment which I hope could lead to real action against Climate Change for one. I also fully support the peaceful protests for racial equality and against police brutality that have been happening around the world and hope we will continue to fight against injustice until all lives are valued.

Life on hold

Well that escalated quickly.. I just wanted to give a quick update on the situation in Germany at the moment. Since my last Covid-19 post, things changed drastically. Schools and daycare have been closed in Baden-Württemberg since March 17th and employees are advised to work from home where possible. Social isolation has been ramped up. The amount of cases of the virus went from around 20 to over 20,000 in just three weeks!

Now there is an almost complete lockdown. We are only allowed to leave the house in groups of less than three (apart from family members or people in the same house). You have to keep a minimum of six feet distance from everyone else. Walks or cycles outside for exercise are permitted but otherwise you are only meant only to go out if you really have to - to buy supplies for instance. Since Friday two weeks ago I have only left the house for walks around the neighbourhood. I am doing my part to "flatten the curve" as much as possible.

It's been hard. I'm a social person and miss meeting up with friends and I tend to get cabin fever when stuck at home for a long time. Every event we had planned this year has been cancelled or postponed. I get so upset reading about the amount of people who have lost their lives already to this deadly virus. Naturally, I am also particularly anxious about my own family and friends here and abroad. Being an expat in Germany makes this harder as I know that if something were to happen to anyone back in Ireland, due to the current travel restrictions, I wouldn't be able to fly over there which makes me feel extra helpless.

So far Germany has a lower death rate than other countries, possibly due to their very good standard of health care, and I am hopeful that in a few weeks after everyone has been isolating themselves, that the situation could look a little less grim. I find it particularly hard without an end in sight to the current lockdown. However, we are well and safe right now and that is something to of course be grateful for! It feels like life is on hold in many ways but we are still trying to make nice memories with out daughter. I've been able to do skype and whatsapp video calls to keep in touch with people and there is a virtual get together planned among some of my friends here this weekend.

I hope you are keeping safe and well wherever you are in the world!

Running on empty

Most people can relate to that overwhelming feeling navigating through life when things just feel non stop and your to do list is never ending. Everything has seemed particularly hectic lately and I badly need some time to recharge.

• My job has been busy. That said, it's pretty much always like that as once one project is completed, a new one starts with more deadlines! I took part in some extra training that was over a weekend and also had to join in some calls from home so it has felt more full on lately.


• Mini has been sick again several times in a row plus teething. I've been told that once the kids start at daycare they are constantly picking up things the first 1-2 years until their immune system strengthens and it definitely seems true in her case. When she is unwell it typically means worse sleep for all of us, extra doctor's visits and worry.


• My husband came down with stomach flu and was out of action for several days and then I caught it too. One night in the middle of trying to bring Mini to bed I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Luckily hubby was there at the time to take over. When one of us is sick the other person ends up having to pick up the slack. I have a lot of respect for single parents!


• Looking after a toddler is lots of fun, but it's also exhausting! Gone are the days when she would sit happily in her hair chair while we all ate. Now she just wants to be running around on the go constantly - usually dragging me behind her! She also loves playing chasing games around the kitchen. That's my workout for the day sorted, haha!


• Keeping on top of general household stuff plus various errands feels impossible. We have so much clutter and I would love to have some time to Marie Kondo the place!


• On the rare moments I do have a moment to myself, all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch youtube or drink tea and scoff chocolate. I often lack the motivation to be productive.

The good news is I have some annual leave coming up and we have a long trip to Ireland planned. The actual traveling can be stressful but once we are there, we'll have a lovely time I'm sure! I am purposely trying to not over plan the trip so we can just be spontaneous each day depending on how we feel.

Raising a bilingual child

Research on how many words a child should have by a certain age varies. I've read that most (but not all) toddlers can say around 20 words by 18 months and 50 or more by the time they turn two. Apparently by 18 months many toddlers can even link two words together to form mini sentences already. In my facebook group of babies the same age as Mini and there is a huge discrepancy. Some babies are apparently saying as many as 40 words already whereas others aren't saying any.

Many people believe that bilingual children take longer to talk but I've also read that is a myth so I'm not really sure about that! I've read different advice about at what point to worry when your child isn't talking. I only speak English to Mini. Her Dad speaks German to her but when we are all together, our family language is English. She gets plenty of German exposure from daycare and just being out and about.

At her last doctor's checkup I mentioned she was only really saying "mama", "dada" and babbling. The doctor said they aren't concerned here unless the children don't have 20 words by age two. However she then said that some two year olds aren't talking at all but if they show *understanding* of 20 words that's enough.

A few weeks ago Mini started saying "yea/ja" which is very cute. She's still not saying any other new words (she's 16 months) but she does understand a lot and is able to make her wants known using gestures. If I ask her to point out body parts like "nose, mouth, eyes, hair, eyes etc" she's well able to point to them. She does get mixed up though between "where's MY nose?" and "where's YOUR nose?".

If she wants to be picked up she walks over and puts her arms above her head and makes a little noise to get your attention. Or she'll take your hand and pull you over somewhere to play together. She points at doors she wants opened or things she can't reach. She'll gesture at the stair gate in our house and I'll say "oh, do you want to go upstairs?" and she answers "yea".

I'm fascinated seeing how she learns and the associations she makes. Recently, I pointed out a bus to her as we were passing during a walk and she started doing the arm movements for the "wheels on the bus" song! When we feed her, my husband often says "mmm", like "try some broccoli, mmmm, yummy". And now I've noticed she points to food and says "mmm" when she wants to eat.

I'm excited for when she started saying more words and I'm curious about whether they'll be English or German!

The right to be heard #MicroblogMonday

As an Irish woman living in Germany I was allowed vote in the recent elections. The EU one was open to all European citizens and the local ones were open to all residents of the relevant constituency. I wasn't going to miss the opportunity and I was delighted to vote for the first time here and encourage others to do the same.

One good thing about this political climate is that people have been getting more interested in politics and realising how much their vote matters. To be honest I didn't know all that much about the different parties in Germany and what they all represent so I spent some time reading up on their goals until I felt happy with my choice.

Climate change and saving the environment is particularly important to me and this is one way I felt I can make a difference.

First Christmas with Mini

Flying with a baby went much better than last time. We choose an earlier flight and made sure she got her naps. On the plane before take off she started getting cranky and hubby and I were worried about how the flight would go but I managed to get her to sleep soon after. She breastfed a little but then stopped and then I cuddled and stroked her head until she nodded off. She then slept through the entire flight to Ireland which was perfect!

She still wasn't a big fan of car journies unfortunately so those were difficult but it wasn't as bad as last time. I ended up often having to let her watch youtube videos on my phone so she wouldn't get upset (Wheels on the Bus / Five Little Ducks / Old Mac Donald). We tried to make sure she got one or two naps each day depending on what was on the agenda and she was generally good humoured. Occasionally she got a bit overstimulated by the end of the day and she was also teething pretty bad so a few evenings she was a bit grumpy and took longer to go to sleep!

Mini is 10 months now and still too young to really appreciate or understand Christmas. We took her to meet Santa at my local shopping centre and she cried when I put her on his lap. Oh dear! However, she loved seeing the Christmas trees everywhere ( I would hold her up to one so she could feel the tinsel and lights) and going new places.

I just loved everyone getting to spend time with her again. She is such a fun little person already. She can say "mama" and "dada", wave and clap. She also already understands a few phases I say a lot such as "let's look out the WINDOW" and "would you like some MILK?" and "open the door!"

For my birthday I got a spa voucher and enjoyed a massage, facial and manicure. It was so relaxing. I celebrated the day by going for afternoon tea with my family. It was the perfect low key birthday for how I was feeling but maybe next year I'll try to organize something bigger. Having a birthday around Christmas always makes it really difficult to plan something as it's such a busy time for everyone!

There were just two things that didn't go so well on the trip. Hubby and I had a fight on Christmas day. I think it was the stress getting to us both. I do some baby led weaning with Mini and she started gagging/chocking on some turkey and hubby freaked out and lost his temper at me. It was scary and upsetting but she's fine thankfully. She had fallen earlier that day and I'd gotten cross at him for not watching her which had bothered him. We have both made new year resolutions to be kinder to one another and more of a parenting team again.

The other thing that bugged me was all the unwanted advice about our parenting we kept getting! People compliment Mini for being a very happy baby but then constantly tell us things like "you'll need to get her used to sleeping in her cot" when they hear we bedshare and that it's a "bad habit" that we usually lie next to her for naps. It made me feel defensive and frustrated as we are doing our best. Mini is a contact loving baby and my husband and I are fine with the situation - it works for our family- so why does it bother other people so much?

It was fun for me to spend time with family and relations again on the trip and the friends who were able to meet me. Unfortunately since the holidays are such a busy time, there were several people I didn't get to see. We're planning another trip back to Dublin in the Summer though. I felt a bit homesick when we were leaving. It's a pity I live so far away but my life is very much in Germany now and I can't see us moving. It was a lovely Christmas and I'm looking forward to when we travel over again to Dublin in the Summer and Mini can experience even more of Ireland and its culture.

March recap

Thought I'd share what I've been up to the past few weeks.

At the beginning of the month I took a trip to Dublin. The GerMann wasn't able to make it. It must have been the first time I'd gone back 'home' without him in about three or four years! I mainly caught up with friends and spent time with family. I got to meet up with some old work colleagues I hadn't seen in almost two years as we hadn't been able to get together on my previous visits back, so I'm glad that worked out. We met for lunch near my old company and it was a real trip down memory lane. Crazy thinking I've lived in Germany almost seven years already!

Hubby and I celebrated St. Patrick's day (March 17th) which is always fun. We invited lots of friends, whoever was around basically, to join us at the local Irish pub for drinks and live music. There were about ten of us in the end. It was the perfect evening! We partied a little too hard though and we both felt pretty hungover the following day! Worth it though.

In terms of our journey to try to become parents, we had our appointment at the new clinic at the start of the month. I got a uterine biopsy two weeks later, as suggested by my new doctor and am still waiting for the results before we proceed with a fourth and probably final IVF this Summer at some stage. I'm not sure of the timing yet. Lately I've been feeling like there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. I'm sure everyone has weeks like that though! It's been a busy month between big projects and deadlines at work, trying to get the paperwork sorted for our new clinic, getting organized for the upcoming holiday and keeping up with household stuff. On top of that we had some unforeseen expenses regarding rusty pipes that needed to be replaced and had plumbers come fix things.

Spring has finally sprung and we've been able to sit out and enjoy the sunny weather. The GerMann and I did some gardening! Some flowers he planted several months ago have started to bloom and I planted some herbs and vegetables; basil, spinach, rosemary and pumpkin. I'm excited to see if any of them grow. Gardening reminded me of my previous IVF transfers where the doctor 'plants' the embryo and then it may or may not stick and grow. But then I guess everything reminds me of fertility lately haha!

Last week I went to see the new Beauty and the Beast film with a friend here and we both loved it. It's just feel good and fun! I can imagine that some people might find it too silly and Disneyish but as someone who loved the original film as a kid, I thought it was well done. There were new songs plus Beauty's character was played with more heroically by Emma Watson. The relationship between her and the Beast was more developed and hence believable. We also saw Passengers this month, which couldn't have been more different but also very good, a sort of romance sci-fi set in space.

What did you get up to in March?

Brooklyn the movie and me

They say that Ireland's greatest export is its people.  A recent film which deals with Irish immigration is Oscar nominated "Brooklyn" and it's well worth seeing. The main role is played by the mesmerizing Saoirse Ronan and the story is based on a book of the same name. It tells the tale of an Irish girl, Eilis, growing up in 1950s Ireland who has the opportunity to emigrate to New York. The film shows her making friends and finding a job. On the other hand you also see her suffering from homesickness while she attempts to adjust to life there. She eventually ends up meeting an Italian American guy and falling in love. However circumstances change and she has to abruptly return to Ireland. While there she also meets an a potential love interest, not to mention experiencing pressure from family and friends that she should stay. She is then torn between the two worlds. Should she stay in Ireland, her home or go back to America where her new life awaits.

Watching the film I felt like I could relate to her leaving Ireland and feeling homesickness but also having two parallel lives, and trying to choose which direction to go. Germany for me meant being with my soulmate, job prospects, a good life. Ireland was home though where my family and friends were. Anyway, I eventually chose to stay here and I'm happy that I took a chance and I love it now in Germany even though there were times I was very homesick in the beginning and had to deal with culture shock.

I couldn't help but be reminded by the film that emigrating these days is a lot less scary than it was back in the 1950s. I didn't have a long long arduous journey over, only a short flight. In order to talk to my family I can simply arrange a skype chat. Back then there might only have been one shared phone in the house or a pay phone down the street and calls abroad were very expensive. If I would like to go to Ireland at short notice it is usually relatively affordable and possible, which means I get to fly back around three or four times a year while family and friends can also come over here easily for a visit. I guess my point is, I'm very glad I emigrated to Germany in the 2000s and not in the 1950s!

Surviving culture shock - what you can expect

When you live abroad (for longer than a few months) you will inevitably face some form of culture shock, which has also been described as feeling like a fish out of water. I've mentioned the term briefly before on this blog and I just thought I'd explain it a bit better and write about the different stages. I haven't met a single expat who hasn't gone through a rough patch after moving countries. It can be a real rollercoaster of emotions that first year!

• The Honeymoon Phase
This first stage when you just arrive in a new country is overwhelmingly positive. You're seeing everything with rose-tinted spectacles and it's exciting and fun. Everything about my new country is wonderful! What a great adventure! I love it here.
My first week living in Germany


• The Rejection Stage
After awhile though you start to see another side to the place and begin to feel somewhat disoriented and frustrated. Why is it so difficult to fit in? I don't understand the language. No one gets me.
When I was experiencing this, I started going back to Ireland as often as possible, which needless to say didn't really help me adjust to my new life here.





• Depression Stage
This is the hardest. You will feel depressed, lonely and homesick. You start to idealize life "back home" and compare your current culture to what is familiar. I'm stuck here. Is this my life now? Did I make the right decision moving here? Some people give up when this happens and return home.

I mention the rough patch in my second blog post (long commute, feeling homesick, not many friends here, finding the German language difficult.)


• The Acceptance Stage
This is where you start to appreciate the new country and feel like you fit in and belong. Yes, I can do this! It's not so bad. I'm happy here. You are now able to compare and appreciate aspects of both countries. You start to feel at home in your new home. For me what helped a lot was when I started to really make more of an effort to integrate myself here, for instance taking German lessons, going to lots of meetups to make friends, getting to know the area.
When I started to really settle in and look on the positives.

Some useful tips for fitting in as an expat here.

If you are living abroad, did you experience culture shock? How did you cope?

Other expats come and go but I'm still here

One of the problems with making friends with other expats is that a lot of them are only living in Germany temporarily and eventually move back to their home countries (or some place else). In the almost five years I've lived here I've had to say goodbye countless times and it doesn't get any easier.

Finding people you really click with and building up the friendship takes time and when they leave, you naturally lament their absence. It's great that I now have lots of connections around the world, and these days with skype you can still keep in touch pretty well, but day to day I miss hanging out with the person.

Of course you're probably thinking I could make more of an effort to make German friends. And I do and I have some great ones now but in general I still find I have more in common with other expats and tend to connect with them faster.

I guess it's just a downside to living abroad, that you get to meet some great people and have them your life for awhile but then they move away. In another year or two everyone from my initial friend group here will most likely not live here anymore. Sometimes I feel like the last guest left at a party! At least I still have the GerMann to hang out with. And I can plan some more trips back to Dublin when I start feeling homesick.

Well...Are you fluent yet?

Without a doubt the top question people from home ask me has always been “are you fluent in German now?" They pretty much started asking me that from my first few weeks living here!

When I think of the word “fluent” I imagine understanding absolutely everything and since I'm not quite there yet then I feel bad about why not and tend to answer "no". However, a better definition of fluency is actually the the ability to get by in most situations, to make oneself understood and to be able to go about daily tasks such as working, going to the doctor, post office and so on without language problems or barriers.You might still have your accent and not sound like a native speaker but that's ok!

Often I'll be sitting in a meeting at work and have no problems keeping up with the conversation and tricky technical speak and I'll feel confident and fluent at that moment but then at another time I might be on a night out with a group of Germans in a noisy pub and I find it hard to follow the conversation with the background noise and then I feel a little lost. I used to ask people who had lived here a long time at what stage they felt really fluent and I was often told it took them three years living in the county but others said it took them at least five years.

Recently, I came across an article that helps explain how to tell whether you are fluent. One of the ways is that people don't modify their language for you anymore. When I first moved here I noticed that a lot of Germans would try to speak Hochdeutsch (high German - without using dialect or slang) and speak clearly to make it easier for me to understand. Now they talk quickly and normally using local dialects, which I'm now able to keep up with. Also I can watch TV shows and read articles in German and understand without having to stop to think about the translations in my head or acknowledge that it's not English, which is great.

My first month or so living here I found myself exhausted each night from the effort of having to constantly translate everything in my head, formulate an answer in English and translate that before speaking. Now something like 90% of the time I understand what's being said without having to try to think of the English equivalent. So I guess I would say I am fluent now!

If you speak other languages, at what stage did you feel truly fluent? Or do you think you will never reach that stage as a non-native speaker?

Thanksgiving #MicroblogMonday

One of the things I love about being an expat is that you also get to experience traditions from other cultures within the expat community. For instance, I always bring my American friends out with me to party on St. Patrick's day and they invite us to celebrate Thanksgiving with them.

And since the GerMann and I have lots of American and Canadian friends here we sometimes even end up getting invited to two Thanksgiving dinners! I love getting to try new dishes such as sweet potato casserole, corn bread and pumpkin pie which we don't typically eat in Ireland and it's also just a lovely evening hanging out with friends.

Happy Thanksgiving if you are celebrating where you are!

Another year here

I've recently had my four year anniversary of living in Germany. In the Summer of 2010 I packed my suitcase and flew over not knowing whether I would later regret the decision and also not sure how long I would end up staying. Looking back I would say that the first year was definitely the hardest. Not initially - the first few months I was in the "honeymoon" phase in my relationship with Germany - but once I removed my rose-tinted spectacles and took a hard look at the place, I did have a lot of low moments and at times strongly considered moving back. I've since learned this is all part of culture shock and a totally normal part to adjusting to life in a foreign country.

But I stayed and the homesickness eventually passed and things got much much better! I gradually built up a network of friends - mainly other expats - I found a new job where I didn't have a long commute, my German level improved to where I was able to get by and handle more situations, and I felt settled and even at home. Four years on, I'm not sure where the time has gone, but I'm happy living here!

Of course there are still highs and lows, things I like about living abroad and things I don't. Let's start with the positives. What I love most is meeting new and interesting people and making friends that I would probably never have met had I stayed living in Ireland. There's also a great expat community here supporting and helping each other and it's nice to be a part of that.

I also get to enjoy the benefits of living in Germany such as the lovely long Summers, lots of vacation days (it's common to have as many as 30 days off a year), great health care, good transport and it's central European location to name a few. Yesterday afternoon we cycled to a pretty nearby lake for a swim and today we hung out in one of the many beer gardens enjoying the sun.

I've also gotten more opportunities to travel which I love. It's a lot easier to go and visit other European cities at the weekend as you just need to pop on a train!

Another plus is that living abroad has gotten me out of my comfort zone and I've grown from the challenges. It feels good that I was brave enough to leave Ireland and create a life for myself in a foreign country and to work entirely through German! I've had to put myself into difficult situations such as doing job interviews and presentations auf Deutsch and I think that deserves a pat on the back!

What is also nice is I now get to experience Ireland as a tourist. Because I'm not working there any more whenever I go back I have the time to go on trips, eat out and enjoy myself... It's like a fun holiday. Since I often travel over with the GerMann I'm also more inclined to take trips to show him the beautiful country I grew up in.

So what are the things that make me homesick? The hardest thing is missing the people back home. If my family and friends were to all emigrate over here, it would be perfect! I do wish I could see everyone more often. That said, I do try to make it back about three or even four times a year which is pretty good going! I know it's a lot harder for my American friends to get back home as often.

I also miss Ireland itself - the friendliness, which I notice even more after living in Germany, the beautiful scenery, feeling like I belong, comfort foods and just the craic and the banter! Maybe I'm biased but I think there's just something about the Irish people - their sense of humour and positivity. Like they often expect the worst outcome - such as rain, but then when it doesn't happen they are delighted.

The next difficult thing is definitely the language - it can be frustrating sometimes not knowing the right words to adequately get your point across and I know that even though I've been here four years I still speak German with an Irish accent! So sometimes I will be ordering something in a restaurant or cafe and the waiter will answer me in English, which I find a bit disheartening (isn't my German good enough?!) but I have learnt that Germans just love to practice their English! Also I find chatting with small groups of Germans no problem but if I'm in a big group and it's a noisy environment such as a pub with loud music, it can be hard at times to keep up with the conversations! Still the longer I live here and the better my German gets the less the language issue bothers me.

Just being a foreigner itself can sometimes be hard. No matter how long I live here I will probably never really completely assimilate and feel like I totally belong. I don't mind that too much though. Germany is quite international with lots of different nationalities and people are normally excited to hear I'm from Ireland as they don't meet that many Irish people here. That's something I often wonder about actually, why don't more Irish people consider Germany as a good emigration destination?

Once you settle in the foreign country, a lot of the time it's just day to day living. It's not all super glamorous even though it might seem that way when you look at the facebook pages of people who are living abroad! People don’t tell you about the hard days.

I like my life here now and I'm happy, though the thought of staying forever scares me a little! For some reason the idea of me getting old and at some point having lived here longer than I've lived in Ireland seems so strange to me. What's difficult about being friends with other ex-pats is most of them move on at some point - normally back to their home countries and I hate having to say goodbye. It isn't definite that our future will always be in Germany, maybe at some point we might move to Ireland or somewhere else, but at the moment it just makes the most sense for us.

I also have another big anniversary coming up soon by the way, our one year wedding anniversary, which I also plan to write a little about!

On my first blog post

I'm doing a blog link up! The theme is firsts (#firstsTOTALSOCIAL) and I thought I would share my initial blog post from nearly 4 years ago. From when I'd decided to move to Germany for "die große Liebe" (the great love!). Yep, I'm one of those expats who moved countries for love. Career wise it also wasn't a bad move for me luckily considering I was unemployed after coming back from travelling (one year in Australia). In the post I talk a little about our background story, how we got back together again despite breaking up a few years earlier when the long distance got too much.

Initially I thought I would move to Germany for awhile and just see how it goes, I wasn't thinking totally long term. It was a difficult year with a lot of ups and downs. After the initial "honeymoon phase" with the country passed I struggled for several months (also known as culture shock). I had a long commute, working in a foreign language was exhausting and life as an expat took some getting used to! I also lost my "suppose base"- family and friends from home. I had the GerMann of course which was great but I've always been very independent and didn't want to rely on him completely so I knew I also had a make a life for myself so I set about going to meetups and trying to make friends anyway possible (even if it meant arranging to meet total strangers off the internet!). And gradually I built up my friend group, improved my German and created a life for myself here.

Four years later and I'm glad I decided to take the leap of faith and make the move to Germany. The GerMann and I are happy newlyweds, I have a great job, circle of friends and despite occasional homesickness, I feel settled and happy and don't regret leaving Ireland 4 years ago!

You can read my first blog post here: Deciding to make the move

Dublin Easter break

Over Easter the GerMann and I went to Dublin for a week's trip. As usual I had a great time catching up with friends and spending time with my family. Homesickness always hits me strongly just after returning to Germany after trips back though - I tend to find the first few days settling into my German life again difficult. I asked some of my other expat friends about it and they all feel exactly the same. Wonder if it'll ever get easier! It's crazy to think I'll be living here 4 years this July. Doesn't really feel that long!

The one thing I do try to remind myself when bad homesickness hits is that visiting Dublin for a week's holiday is still a lot different to living there. Of course it's lovely checking out new restaurants with friends or relaxing with my family, or going on trips and not having to work or get up early - you are on the total holiday vibe. So you are seeing things through rose-tinted spectacles and in their best light basically. We were also incredibly lucky with the weather that week, it was perfect and sunny nearly every day. During the trip we were out and about most of the time. Some of the highlights: dinner in Gallagher's Bistro followed by drinks in The Long Stone pub, another night cocktails and dancing in Dakota, afternoon tea & cake in the Mellow Fig, a relaxed evening in Il Baccaro Temple Bar, walking Kiliney hill on a beautiful sunny day, scones in the Royal Marine hotel and a long liquid lunch at La Planca.

I'm really hoping this will be the year that more friends from home will visit us as I would love to show them around and go on trips here! Every time I met up with someone I emphasised that they are welcome to visit, that we have plenty of room in our apartment and that it's really lovely here in the Summertime with lots of fun things to do (beautiful lakes to swim in, beer gardens for the long warm evenings, visiting medieval castles...) and it normally stays nice well into October which is also a great time (Oktoberfest, wine tasting, cycle trips..). Everyone I mentioned it to seemed keen to visit and two friends have already started looking up flights and asking about possibly dates. My family are also planning to visit us this year. Can't wait! Had great laughs with my sister when we bought bought Dirnls and wore them to the Oktoberfest last year! The GerMann refused to wear lederhosen but maybe this time we can convince him!

Fictional expat versus reality

I have recently been watching old episodes of Sex and the City. The final few episodes in particular struck a cord. In case you have not watched the show I will sum it up. The lead character, Carrie, is dating a Russian artist (in the final season) who asks her to move to Paris with him indefinitely. After he asks her she spends the rest of one episode thinking it over and she has a big fight with one of her best friends who does not approve of her new man or the idea of her moving. I thought I would compare my decision to move to Carrie's...

1) Carrie does not speak French, but she plans to learn.
I studied German in college. My level was rusty but I had a good basis on which to build on.

2) Not all of Carrie's friends like her boyfriend. They mainly find him arrogant and Miranda says she does not recognise who Carrie is with him. I also think they have only been together for less than half a year.
Luckily my friends and family all like my GerMann and think we are a good couple. We had also been together before so even though we were only just back together for a few months it was not as much of a gamble as for Carrie.

3) Carrie quits her job to move to Paris. She cannot write her column about dating in New York any more and has to give that up with no idea what she will do instead.
I was unemployed in Ireland and struggling to find work in the recession and my chances of finding something were probably slightly improved in Germany where the economy was stronger. So luckily my career has not been affected too much. Though for a lot of expats it can be, especially if they do not have the language. It is worth thinking about before moving over.

4) Carrie loved living in New York. All her friends were there and that was her life. That said, she was excited about the opportunity to move to Paris, and see more of the world.
Well I loved living in Dublin and all my friends and family were there so that was also a difficult decision for me!! At the same time, it can be exciting living somewhere else- visiting new places and meeting people from all sorts of walks of life. People are more likely to regret things they did not do than things they did. Even expats I have met that have made the move but it has failed for whatever reason- for instance they move over for a boyfriend but it does not work out- do not regret the experience and what they have learned from it.

5) Carrie does not have much in common with her Russian boyfriend. He is also a slightly temperamental artist and he leaves her on her own once she moves over and he is not very sympathetic or understanding when she has problems adjusting to her new life or when she is homesick. She is also expected to fit her life around his. He makes very little concessions for her to make the transition easier.
Having a supportive partner is very important for expat couples! My GerMann is very good at listening to me and being understanding when I am feeling homesick or lonely or just complaining about things! That said, we do sometimes bicker about the differences between our countries and which place is better! I think that's normal.

6) Ok one area where Carrie would win is money! When she moved to Paris she stayed in a gorgeous hotel studio room paid for by her wealthy Russian boyfriend. For me the move was without a doubt expensive especially during the first few months. Flights back and forth to Ireland bringing things over, having to sell my car back home as I won't need it any more, supporting myself while looking for work, paying my share of the deposit on our apartment, rent, new furniture etc etc

Overall I concluded that Carrie's trip was destined for disaster whereas my move to Germany is still going reasonably well thank God! I enjoyed the episodes "An American in Paris" which shows what happens when she moves over and the sparkle fades. At first Paris seems very glamours and exciting but soon she starts feeling very lonely as she has not got much of her own life going on there - no friends, no job. She becomes overly reliant on her partner. A lot of expats can relate to this!

There's the scene where she is sitting in the middle of a group of French people speaking French with her boyfriend and she just looks completely lost and left out. I have had similar moments at German parties where I find it difficult to follow the conversation but it normally gets a little better after the first drink! Then my accent improves and I have lots of interesting things to say! Or that's what it feels like anyway.

After living here over a year, I still have moments where I am with a group of Germans and they are chatting quickly and using slang and I can't quite keep up. Talking one-to-one is always much easier! That said, Germans are also normally very happy to speak English if they think you do not understand something. I get the impression that French people prefer to stick with French. They tend to be extremely proud of their language, whereas Germans think nothing is cooler than English!

What Carrie should have done was to try to find other expats to make friends with who would understand what she was going through. She could have searched online for meetups around the area. And attended some French classes- to improve her French and it can also be a good place to meet new people. Once you do get over the initial hurdles, life as an expat gets better I promise!

What sort of expat are you?

I have read that there are three different kind of expats. The ones who completely integrate in their new host country and adapt. The ones who don't integrate at all. And the ones who adapt to some customs of the new host country while also keeping lots of their own. I see myself as belonging to the later group.

There are also many reasons for becoming an expat- moving countries for a job, sense of adventure, moving for love. Some expats come and go - they live in Germany for a few months or maybe years but ultimately return to their home country- their Heimat. There are fewer of us however, who are probably going to be here for the long haul.

There have definitely been times when as an expat, you can feel like a fish out of water. Like you don't belong. I could relate to this post by fellow blogger about the isolation you can feel living in a new country:expat isolation and loneliness

Travelling home, I've had moments where I just felt such relief once I got to the airport and heard other people with Irish accents around me and just to be able to understand everything! And once home, it's so nice to be able to talk to someone in a shop or a restaurant and be understood, and every little thing, doesn't feel like an ordeal! That was was how I felt at first. My German has improved a LOT now, so that most times out and about in cafes, restaurants, trams etc I am understood.

How will living in Germany change me? Sometimes I feel like I am more shy here and not myself. That's mainly due to the language. But this is getting better. I have heard lots of people say it took them 3 years of living in Germany before they were really fluent. Maybe I will become more "European" like one of my aunts said. What would that entail exactly? One positive aspect of being an expat makes you more independent as a person- you realise you can cope in a lot of situations you didn't think you could!

I mentioned earlier that I have to carve out a life for myself over here. When I first moved over and started living with my GerMann, I was very dependent on him. I didn't have much of my own life here at the start at all. That was tough at times. Once I got a job here that helped a lot. And then the more I gradually made friends and developed a routine the better things got. It's not too hard to make acquaintances but it takes time to make really good friends. Ones who you can talk about everything with and depend on. I have reached the stage now that I have some great friends here, but for a few months at the start it was tough. Apart from my boyfriend I didn't really have anyone to talk to- past the chit-chat/small talk level.

I have heard from some long standing expats that you feel gradually more distanced from you "home" country as the years pass. So that you don't feel "at home" in either country. Another (and much nicer) way of looking at it though, is that you have two homes. Germany is gradually feeling more and more like home to me.

My wish for the future would be to adapt to German life, while still remaining me. I would love to reach a level of complete fluency in German - spoken and written - where I can handle any situation, but also not lose my Irish accent (when speaking English)! The GerMann and I have discussed it and it probably makes most sense for us to stay in Germany. So I shall continue with my ex-pat adventures!

First week in Deutschland

So I’ve been living in Germany a week now. I bought a bike my first weekend and have been cycling to the train station in the mornings. It’s a bit faster than the bus, and despite it being Germany, the buses seem to be nearly as irregular as Ireland! Also it’s a handy way to get some exercise in. Even though my commute to work is an hour and a half door to door, I actually don’t mind it too much. Quite enjoy the cycle and then just relax and read a book on the train.

What I’m not too fond off is getting up so early and having such short evenings at home! Still after being unemployed and after travelling, I’ve been used to not working much at all, and now I’ve got a 40hour week! So was bound to be a bit of a culture shock. I get up between 6.30-6.45 and leave the house 7.15-7.30 and I’m in work by 9. Sometimes I get in a bit earlier and can pop into shops.

Got my bank account set up the other day during lunch. Went to Detusche bank as they’re so international. My account costs 4.95€ a month which is a bit of a pain. There seem to be more bank charges over here.

Getting on great with the boyf so far. Got a nice little routine going. I come home to a cooked dinner- only fair since he’s home hours earlier! And getting on great together. He’s been really supportive as he knows how hard all this is for me: working in a foreign language, new jobs, no friends over here…
So all in all, going pretty well for the first week! There’s a festivals on this weekend so we’ll probably go to that- I know, I know, there’s always a festival on over here! The weather’s been really lovely too- a proper Summer!

Deciding to make the move

Since coming back from my year of travel, I got back to Ireland just right bang in the middle of the recession. So getting back on the career ladder has been proving extremly difficult. During my year away I had a lot of time to think and figure out what I want to do with my life (ok, I still don't really have a clue), but one of the things I realised was that I still think about my German ex boyfriend a lot. We'd broken up three years earlier after a three year relationship when the long distance got too much. At the time I had just started a new job in Ireland and was getting on brilliantly, and he was still in college, but had another three years to go- higher qualifications. Not to mention in Gemany, people stay in college much later than anyone else- you get people not graduating till they are in their 30s sometimes, it's crazy! But I digress. So I decided to go visit my German Ex for a few days.

During my visit we both realized that we still have feelings for each other. I visited a lot over the next few months- that's one advantage to being unemployed, you have time to go for long weekends, and we got back together. This time he was finally finishing his studies but since the job situation was so bad in ireland, and also because he wanted to have at least one year work experience on his CV, and since I was unemployed, he asked me to come to Germany and move in with him. The logical solution- this time we didn't want to let the long distance break us up and we wanted to give the relationship a proper shot. Even though it made sense, I still resisted the idea a bit- I'd only just come back from a year travelling and was enjoying being home, I'm quite a homebird at heart, and not to mention I hadn't spoken German in years!

So over the next few months, we continued our long distance relationship- visiting each other as often as we could, and I started revising my German and applying for jobs over in Baden Württemberg. The German was tough, but I gradually started getting it back. I borrowed some language learning tapes from the library and chatted to the GerMann in German over skype.

So finally I was called to an interview. This one was in a town that was quite far from the boyfriend, so we wouldn't be able to live together, but seeing eachother at weekends would be better than only every few weeks and it was a good company. However the place was really in the middle of no where and really hard to get to and going to the interview I has a feeling I'd be really lonely living there. Despite all our email correspondence being in German the interview was in English. It went quite well but I didn't end up getting the job. However, I wasn't too disappointed as I knew it wasn't for me!

Now I'm over in Germany again for two more interviews and if I get a job, I guess I'll just stay! And just go back some weekend to bring more of my stuff over. We've also been searching for apartments together, looking for one big enough for the two of us. I am finding this move quite scary to be honest- missing my friends and family and worried about how I'll get on working through German. I know the first few months settling in will probably be the difficult.