Hurtful comments

A few weeks ago my daughter (who I've nicknamed Mini for the blog), was interacting with a young baby lying on a playmat. It was a cute little girl around 3/4 months old who was smiling up at us. It was a sweet moment until the child's mother said to Mini, "would you like to have a sister?"

Mini can be a little shy sometimes and wasn't saying anything and I just said "No, no.." and shook my head. Instead of noticing my obvious discomfort at the topic, the women then said to Mini "tell your mother to give you a sister!" I was quite shocked to be honest and because I tend to be a people pleaser and overly polite, I just said "No, she's enough for us" and then mumbled something about me being too old anyway. The woman wouldn't let it go and kept saying "No?" and being quite pushy about it!

In the end I walked away with Mini but I was quite annoyed by the interaction. If you follow my blog, you'll know something about the long arduous journey we went through to have our daughter. I still think it's a miracle she's here at all!

We can't have any more children, unless we were to go down the IVF road again and even then there is no guarantee it would even work again. Emotionally, physically and mentally, I don't want to put myself through all that again. We have made peace with the fact that we are a family of three and love our little unit.

Insensitive comments like that are still a sore spot though and upset me. I wish I had spoken up and just told the lady we can't have any more kids and let her feel bad because then she would hopefully think twice before saying stuff like that to someone again!

Michelle Obama's revelation #MicroblogMonday

A few weeks ago my husband told me that the Obama daughters, Malia and Sasha, were conceived through IVF and that Michelle had previously had a miscarriage beforehand. She has written all about it in her new book apparently. I was surprised by the news. At the same time I was also glad, not about Michelle's miscarriage which is very sad of course but about her opening up and bringing infertility and IVF into the open.

I suspect a lot of celebrities end up having to get help but most don't talk about it. Chrissy Teigen was open about her and John Ledgend's children being IVF babies but she is in the minority. Beyonce and Jayz are suspected to have gotten help but they never confirmed or spoke about it.

Of course if a celebrity is going to be open about it, it is more likely to be after they have come out the other side and have a healthy baby. It is even more rare for them to say they tried but were not successful in conceiving and have had to move forward in their lives going in another direction. My book club are thinking about reading Michell's memoir and I'm sure it will be an interesting read!

Transversary

Last week was our "Transversary", the anniversary of the successful IVF transfer. I remember the day well. Despite a promising egg retrieval we had yet again ended up with only a few viable embryos to transfer, this time just two. We decided naturally to transfer both, all or nothing. We had already decided that this would be our last shot.

We had to travel over an hour and be there early. The process was similar to my previous clinic. The main difference was this time my husband was able to be there for the transfer (he unfortunately missed the previous ones). I remember the doctor commenting that one of the embryos looked particularly good and had divided well. The two embryos were transferred, I rested a bit then we went on our way.

After the transfer as we were leaving the clinic my husband and I ended up having a stupid row. He commented that he found the transfer anti climatic and that upset me. I guess he had thought it would be more impressive on the screen seeing the embryos going into my womb whereas it was hard to see anything! And then we also had a silly argument about where to eat. He can get a big hangry - irritable when hungry - and I was avoiding gluten and dairy at the time so finding someplace we were both happy with was a challenge! Everything just got to me and I started feeling emotional. I remember being really anxious then that me being upset would stop the embryos from implanting. I thought I'd ruined my chances already by not being relaxed and zen enough!

Anyway, after we ate we both felt better and the rest of the day was really nice. What a difference a year can make! Somehow that little promising embryo did implant and grow and now my daughter is here. In Germany at the fertility clinics they don't give you pictures of your embryos to take home so I can't do a photograph of Mini holding a picture of herself as an embryo, something I've seen other people doing for the transversary. I'll just give her an extra long hug and we'll remind ourselves how lucky we are to have her in our lives!

I'm sorry for all the couples still stuck in the trenches, hoping and praying to have a family. I haven't had time to keep up with all the blogs unfortunately but I think of you all often and I'm wishing everyone good things whatever the future brings!

weeks 13 - 16

Trigger warning: pregnancy discussed.
I just wanted to say that I'll be continuing to share my thoughts on this pregnancy every few weeks. If you are at a place right now where you find reading about this hard or upsetting then please skip these posts by all means and look after yourself. I understand completely. I'm planning to continue to separately blog about non pregnancy related stuff also.


Week 13 thoughts

Some people consider week 13 to be the official start of the second trimester, for others it's week 14. Baby is now the size of a fig! I actually don't have much of a "bump" yet which is probably just as well since only a select few people at my office know yet and I don't want it to be too obvious. Once we have the 16 week scan, provided everything is fine, then I would start telling more people at work. It still feels like such a personal thing though.

I haven't really been doing that much lately. I still get tired pretty easily and evenings after work I often just feel like relaxing with a good book or in front of the telly. Last weekend himself and I spent Saturday catching up on housework and chores and just hanging out. Sunday I met up with some friends. One of them lent me a pregnancy book. There was a section at the beginning about getting pregnant. I had a look through it and felt like laughing as all the information just seemed so basic to me - for people who don't have a clue about fertility. I could easily write a thesis on all I know by this stage! I still feel a little jealous sometimes towards the women for whom pregnancy came easily and without problems. Don't think that will ever go away completely. I joined a group of Irish women on facebook who are also due in February as I heard it can be a nice way to make friends. Quite a few are on their fourth child already! It's not that I particularly want to have four kids, I'm just jealous of how nice it must be to be able to plan and choose how many children you want and when to have them.

I continue to be grateful for this pregnancy. Sometimes I feel guilty too. Sort of like survivors guilt. I know there are so many great people out there who are still trying or have since resolved child free and I'm really sorry when it doesn't happen for them. I'm certainly not in any way more 'worthy' than anyone else. I also don't even know for sure what was the winning combination that helped it work for us this time. It could have been changing clinics and the new approach, it could have been all our healthy eating and the fact I went gluten and dairy free, it could have been the melatonin tablets which improved egg quality or the DHEA I took for a few months beforehand or all the extra prayers! We'll never know for sure.

Sometimes I think the nausea has gotten much better and then I get it again. Brushing my teeth often makes gag and feel like I might need to throw up. I went into H&M and had a look at the maternity section. I felt a little like an imposter, like someone might tap me on the shoulder and ask me what I was doing there. They had some nice things but I didn't feel ready to buy anything yet. So far I've been making do with some jeans I have that are not tight around the waist, plus doing the hair bobbin trick where you put a hair tie around the button and through the jeans hole. And I've been wearing longish tops.

I've been thinking today again how lucky we are. I had lunch with a friend (let's call her J.) who's friends with a fertility doctor at a clinic in Munich. She often tells me stories of her patients. J also told her doctor friend about our story. When she heard about us considering the immune protocol, she was all for it, saying she had seen that help in lots of cases. I'm talking specifically patients who have had immune related issues diagnosed when they got extra blood testing done. Anyway I asked J. if she had updated her doctor friend about our pregnancy. She said she had and her friend was really happy for us but also surprised. She had thought based on what she had heard about me (previous surgeries, poor responder etc) that it wouldn't work until our 8th IVF attempt!

The fact is we wouldn't have done eight rounds. We decided that the fourth would be our limit. We couldn't keep putting ourselves through it. So yeah I was just thinking today how incredibly lucky we are that the fourth attempt seems to have worked so far! Somehow our baby now exists and is growing. Things could easily have turned out differently. I'm not saying that the alternative would have been an awful future or anything, we would have found ways to move forward, but I am incredibly glad that this little baby seems to be a fighter and please God will get born in six months time and join us!

There are plenty of fertile people who take their children for granted. After going through the journey we did (and seeing what other people go through), we are well aware of how precious each life is! The timing is everything too. If we had done IVF a month earlier or later, it could easily not have worked. It wouldn't be this exact unique baby created from that particular egg and sperm. This new person (with a soul as that's what I believe) exists now and there is just something so incredible about it. It began with a bunch of cells which kept multiplying and then started forming things like a head, brain, spine, liver, kidneys. Each cell knowing exactly what it's meant to do.

Week 14

I am officially in the second trimester now! How cool is that? From what I've read this is the most fun time (the honeymoon period) as you are meant to start having more energy, less nausea but don't yet feel uncomfortable. It'll still be several more weeks until I can feel any kicks probably. That seems unreal to me, the thought of it! I have gradually been reducing the steroids and right now I am only taking 2.5mg - barely anything. Unfortunately reducing the steroids also meant my nausea seemed to get a bit worse I noticed! From about 5pm till 8pm I feel particularly crap. Being in the office at that stage isn't fun. Like I mentioned before lots of snacking helps. I had one evening where I was leaving work around 7pm and pretty much had to hurry as I was worried I might throw up in the office! Thankfully it passed and I got home and ate something immediately and was ok soon after.

Hubby doesn't feel comfortable with me flying anywhere so he would prefer for us not to go to Ireland until after the birth. He pointed out that "we only have one shot at this". I don't want to do anything to make him feel uncomfortable and of course our baby's health has priority but it's moments like this where I feel the distance from home. Well, this is my home now of course, but I wish I could see my family more often. However I am hoping they will visit me which would be great. I haven't totally ruled out the idea of an Ireland trip but it's looking less likely at the moment. I also need to apply for a new Irish passport as mine is expiring in a few months so need to get that sorted asap. I already phoned the nearest Irish embassy and requested they send the form out.

It's still two weeks till my next scan and as usual it feels like a long time. I'd just like to know baby is ok in there. But I am trying to remind myself there is no reason to worry. I did use the doppler again last night. This time I was able to find the heartbeat fairly quickly though only for a few seconds which makes me wonder if the baby doesn't like the doppler ultrasound waves and is moving away from it. Every night when I'm in bed, I "talk" to the baby. I'm trying to get him/her used to my voice and already start teaching him/her my accent, haha! I just really want the baby to have a strong Irish identity despite living in Germany. I also looked up some Irish folklore children's books which we could read together one day. Traditional Irish stories have a fair bit of violence though. It's a bit like the Grimm fairy tales. There are lots of battles and superstitions! "The children of Lir" is one story which sticks out in my memory.

Hubby and I have discussed how we would split the parental leave. We are thinking that the first month we would take off together then I would stay at home for about six months after that and then I would go back to work with reduced hours if that's an option (it should be but need to talk to HR) and then hubby would stay at home the few six months until baby is about one. I am delighted that hubby wants to spend that time with our child, I think it will be really good bonding experience.

In other news my little sister got engaged! Yay! Very excited for her. Her and her fiance are thinking about a small beach destination wedding which sounds fab. It's crazy for me to think that next summer we could be attending her wedding with our baby. I still feel nervous sometimes thinking too far ahead about the future, though at the other time it is lovely to imagine. I know it won't all be amazing of course, I'm not totally naive. I've followed blogs of women after they have their baby, plus I've heard from friends and I have seen how hard the first few months can be. The idea of childbirth is a bit scary too!

I already had to try to book a "Hebamme". The direction translation is "midwife" but they don't usually attend the birth. It's all a little alternative. You can go to the Habamme here instead of your doctor for your checkups and your health insurance would cover it. The main thing they do though is come visit you after the baby is there and help out. A certain amount of visits are covered. And they offer classes such as "Rückbildungskurs" with exercises to help put everything back into place after birth! And some offer things like pregnancy yoga too. Anyway they are really hard to get as they get booked up really fast but I've managed to find one a friend recommend who's going to visit in a few weeks to meet me.

I went back to H&M and this time bought some maternity shorts and "mama" tights which were reduced. The shorts are really comfy! The weather has changed from summer so I only wore them once and then started thinking that buying shorts might not have been the best idea. However I tried wearing them with tights which was a cute look.

Week 15 thoughts

My gyno is finally back from his holidays after about a month! We phoned on Monday to try to get our blood test results but the practice assistant said he was busy and to call back Wednesday. Wednesday hubby phoned and it turns out the doctor never did the first trimester screening blood test as we thought! He only did some sort of standard blood test. Needless to say we were rather annoyed about it! When we had phoned the following week we were told the results weren't there yet and the next time we called were told we'd have to wait till after his holidays. If we had known that he didn't do the blood test then we would have gotten it done at my 12 week appointment at the other doctor. Now it's too late as it can only be done between weeks 10 and 14 apparently. I really don't know how the "miscommunication" even happened. We both remember the doctor telling us about the blood test you can get that tells you your risk of gene defects and me saying I wanted to get it done.

There is another blood test I could get but it costs between 300 and 500 euros as far as I know. It's called the Harmony test. They would send my blood off to a lab in the US apparently and it would take about a week. The results are about 98% accurate. I've read that there can be false negatives or positives though and sometimes the blood test can be inconclusive. We are undecided about whether to get it or not. On the one hand it would be nice to get the peace of mind that things are ok but I think the risk of something being wrong are still very low. The measurements taken at the last ultrasound were all fine. If there were some health problems with the baby then we would like to ideally know in advance and plan for it. If there is something seriously wrong then that would be a very difficult conversation since hubby and I have somewhat different views. But I would like to remain positive and have faith that everything will be ok. When we go for my appointment next week we'll discuss our risks with the doctor then.

Week 15 - later that week

Tomorrow is our appointment! I'm excited to see the baby again. And a little nervous too. I think the nerves will always be there a little bit. I've started coming down with a sore throat lately and just feel quite run down. My nausea was pretty bad last week, I had to throw up several times but it has been more bearable this week, or maybe I'm just managing it better. I wonder whether we'll be able to find out the sex tomorrow! I am convinced it is a girl so I'll be shocked if it turns out to be a boy. I just have a strong feeling for some reason. I've had dreams about having a little girl too. We decided we are going to get the harmony blood test done. We probably should have done it weeks ago. It would give us peace of mind to know that everything is ok. Well with 98/99% accuracy.

I'm starting to look a little more pregnant too! It's getting harder to "hide" it at work. I think I'll probably have to start telling colleagues soon. Hubby has been really great. We're married four years now and still as happy as ever. He's been protective of me and the baby which is really sweet. When I'm lying in bed and have heartburn he goes down to the kitchen to get my heartburn tablets or a glass of water. He often cleans the kitchen to help get rid of all the food smells so I feel less nauseous. I still can hardly believe we could have an actual baby next year! I was out with friends for lunch at the weekend and there was a tiny newborn baby at the table next to us. Very cute. I was thinking, "am I really going to get one of those?" So amazing! The only thing that scares me a little is the actual childbirth but I'm trying not to think about that too much yet. I'm not that anxious about the pain, although that doesn't sound fun, but rather scared of something going wrong. The hospitals and doctors here are really good though so I know I'll be in good hands. I'll just need to learn all the relevant words in German beforehand!

The immune doctor send me the printout of the test results from my blood test at week 13. She recommends I get another blood test done at week 17 to check the natural killer cells again. That seems excessive to me. Surely by now even if my natural killer cells were to increase my body wouldn't fight the baby?! I'm considering not doing another blood test but then I don't want to take any risks either just in case. I'm going to ask my doctor tomorrow what he thinks. We decided that we won't fly to Ireland again until after the baby is born. Or fly anywhere. Hubby worries about the baby being exposed to radiation. I know plenty of people fly all the time but if it makes him feel better for me not to fly I'm ok with that. Also the fact that the only time I had some bleeding in this pregnancy was a few days after my last flight to Ireland makes me worry a bit about it also. I do feel sad at not seeing friends and extended family again.

However my family are planning to visit me here which I'm excited about. And I'm planning to arrange some skype chats with friends so I can still catch up on their news. I recently found out another friend of mine here is pregnant too. She's two weeks behind me. It will be nice having someone at the same stage to meet up with. Some friends told me recently that they hated being pregnant. I guess they didn't like feeling sick and uncomfortable. I can honestly say I love it. The hardest parts are the anxiety and nausea. The latter I mentioned already, mine seems to be worse than average but it's still manageable. The anxiety is hard though. I'm often worried that something might be going wrong. Apart from that I love the idea of having my baby with me wherever I go and I don't want to rush this time away.

The Hebamme who was meant to visit me got lost and couldn't find her way to our house! She phoned several times and we gave her directions and in the end she gave up. That was rather disappointing. She said I can "call her when the baby is there". To be honest I would much prefer to meet the person before the birth. I messaged another two recommended Habamme and both were too busy to take anyone else on but I finally found someone and I'm going to meet her in October. Hopefully she's nice.

Week 16 appointment

We had our appointment at the doctor finally. The whole thing took ages. Every time I have to give a pee sample, get weighed and have my blood pressure checked. The latter of which was very low. That probably explains why I've noticed I feel dizzy if I stand up to fast. The doctor's assistant also used a device on my stomach to measure any contractions which took about 20 minutes. Luckily there weren't any as it would be far too early! She also gave us a free pregnancy box which contained a few things for the baby. You get another box after birth. We put it into the green room.

We agreed to do the Harmony blood test. There were three options. One that just checks for the three most serious potential issues. The second would have also told us gender and the third option would check for less serious issues (for instance turner's disease). We are happy to just wait until the gender is revealed at a scan and we just wanted to rule out the most serious and potentially life threatening issues so we went for the first option. We'll find the results out in a week. It doesn't actually get sent to the States, they now have labs in Germany where the harmony test can be done. It only cost 250€ in the end. Totally worth it if it gives us peace of mind.

The doctor wouldn't have done an ultrasound today but said he could get one for 40€ extra. Naturally we wanted to make sure everything is still ok with the baby and have a look. Actually this time the baby didn't look all that different from the previous one, and we couldn't really see so much extra but it was still lovely of course. As soon as the doctor started the ultrasound the baby was visible immediately and as usual I found myself holding my breath until I could see the little heart beating. That anxiety never leaves. At one stage the doctor zoomed in on the baby's genital area and said it looked like a girl most likely, although he commented that we shouldn't go out and buy loads of pink things just yet. However later on he was looking again and then he thought he did see something and was less sure! So in the end it was still inconclusive. That was a little disappointing, it would have been nice to know already. My next appointment won't be for five weeks which seems long but that's how they do it here.

There was one potentially bad thing though. The doctor noticed something when he was scanning me later. I'm not sure if he was looking at the placenta or what but then he said I could be at higher risk of developing pre eclampsia which is a little scary. He told me to buy a home blood pressure monitor and use it three times a day making a note of the values. If the value gets too high on a few occasions then make an appointment with him asap, not to wait the five weeks. He also told me to take drops for my blood pressure.

Hubby and I were a bit confused after since my blood pressure is more likely to be low rather than high. When I got the bottle of drops of which I'm meant to take 20 drops of a day, I noticed it has a high alcohol content! So then I was wondering what's worse for the baby; me having too low blood pressure or consuming small amounts of alcohol? I presume if my doctor says it's ok it is but I'm thinking of just taking 10 drops a day at first and seeing if that helps.

We also got another printout of the ultrasound. I took a picture with my phone and when I zoomed in I thought I could make out a cute little button nose and pretty lips! After everything went well with the appointment I decided to phone an aunt who hadn't heard the good news yet. She was delighted for us and I'm glad I told her myself. She also shared some stories of my Mum and Granny with me which was lovely (both of whom have sadly passed). She told me how wanted myself, my sister and brother were. It was lovely to hear. I know my Mum would have made a really fantastic grandmother. Whenever big events happen in my life, it reminds me again what a loss it is when you don't have your mother around. I have to believe she's in heaven watching down over us all now. I'm going to tell our child all about her of course!

I can more or less accept that I am pregnant now, although I still can't believe that we'll really (please God) have an actual baby with us next year! I feel grateful every day for this miracle and never take it for granted.

Heartbeat

Trigger warning: pregnancy mentioned.


Firstly I wanted to say thanks so much for all the lovely comments and messages from everyone! It really means a lot to us.

Well I finally the day I've been waiting years for arrived. It was my first pregnancy ultrasound ever! The appointment wasn't till 5pm and it felt like such a long day waiting for it. On the way to the clinic, hubby and I both felt pretty nervous. I couldn't help thinking that either it was going to be an amazing moment or an awful one! Once we were called in to Dr. Peppy we spoke for a few minutes and then she suggested we do the ultrasound. I jumped up, pretty eager to finally see what's going on in there!

She started having a look and pretty immediately found something - the gestational sac with a tiny fetus..and a heartbeat too! I literally burst into tears at that stage! Mostly from relief to be honest. Just all the anxiety had been building up and I was so relieved and happy to know that everything is ok! The doctor also confirmed that there is only one baby in there. I did feel a little sad thinking about the other embryo that didn't make it but we are still absolutely delighted with one. A multiple pregnancy would have had more risks. We would be so grateful for one healthy baby! Once I pulled myself together and stopped crying I was able to ask some questions. It was so amazing seeing the little heartbeat! You can't really see much at this early stage (six weeks), just that something is there. The baby is only the size of a pomegranate seed!

Then Dr. Peppy discussed all my meds. I am to continue taking something for my thyroid plus baby aspirin. The Granocyte injections will be kept up every three days until I reach the 2nd trimester. I will need to continue getting the intralipid infusions every two weeks until then too. Progesterone tablets and steroids I can gradually start reducing now. And then she said that that would be my last appointment there, the next one would be at my local gyno! Wow, gradation from the fertility clinic already. We thanked the doctor profusely for all her help. She could see how happy and overwhelmed we were!

Afterwards I got another Intralipid done. That took almost two hours. The clinic had really bad reception so it was ages before I was able to message my family to let them know how the appointment went! Everyone was delighted. To be honest this whole experience still feels completely surreal. Sort of like I've woken up in a parallel world where our dream is actually coming true. This morning I phoned my gyno and arranged an appointment for two weeks time. I'll be eight weeks pregnant by then, please God.

I don't think either of us will be able to fully relax until the second trimester to be honest. I still have a fair bit of anxiety. That said, I am absolutely loving the thought that there is a tiny baby growing in there right now. I'm praying so hard that it will be a viable pregnancy and the little one will stick around. So far my only symptoms have been increased appetite, sore boobs, tiredness and lots of heartburn! Hubby is excited too. He's even been thinking about how many months he'd like to take as parental leave (In Germany, you get 14 months to share among the parents). It's so amazing to dream and imagine.

Pregnancy after loss and cold showers

After the happiness and surprise eventually came the worry. Pregnancy after a loss can be a tricky one to deal with. I remember that hard week after our first IVF when I was technically pregnant but with a low HCG value and was told it could go either way. There was a little spotting some days but it always went away. I had some mild symptoms such as tiredness, increased appetite and sore boobs. I kept doing pregnancy tests hoping the line would get darker but it grew fainter instead which was probably a likely indication that it was non viable. The longer I remained pregnant the more I had hope though that maybe it would still be ok. However the miscarriage begun the night before when our first scan at our previous clinic would have been.

I can't help having some anxiety regarding this pregnancy. I found a link online where you can calculate your miscarriage risk and it said mine was about 26% (at four weeks, it goes down the longer you remain pregnant)! That was stupid of me to look it up. However I then came across a more reassuring link and when you take our strong initial HCG value into account it seems promising that this could be a viable pregnancy. I keep reminding myself that there is no reason to assume that everything isn't fine. This pregnancy already seems stronger than my last (which was a year and a half ago. Crazy). I have barely any symptoms though of course it's super early at this point, just four weeks. It just feels surreal most of the time!

I did a second pregnancy test yesterday for some reassurance and there was a strong second line which was nice to see. The next stage is to go back to my clinic for a second blood test and provided all goes well I could have the first scan a week later. Wouldn't that be exciting!? At our new clinic they make you wait a week for the second blood test which seems so long! I have a dentist appointment that day so I asked if I could come in a day earlier (Monday) for the blood test and that's fine. The HCG is meant to be doubling every few days. A slow rising HCG can be indicative of a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. A scan at around 6-7 weeks should be able to show a heartbeat and once a heartbeat is present, then the risk of miscarriage drops to around 5%. So if I could get to that stage I can imagine I'll breathe a huge sigh of relief. One minute I feel ecstatic and love thinking about the future, and another I try to reign myself in, thinking I shouldn't get ahead of myself so early.

In other news, there have been some unexpected house costs lately. There's a problem with our water heating. It came to a head the day of the result actually. Hubby was all stressed but I was barely thinking about it. He said, "don't you care if there's no hot water and you have to have cold showers"? I think my reply was something like, "I would gladly take cold showers for all nine months if I can have a healthy pregnancy!" Anyway it turns out the problem has gotten worse so I have been having to have cold showers lately, haha. And I don't mind as long as the baby or babies on board are doing ok. That said, we are getting someone to come to the house to try to fix the problem as soon as possible. We are hoping it won't be too expensive. There have been quite a few unforeseen repairs that have come up ever since we moved in. I don't think our surveyor did a great job at predicting stuff!

I also wanted to mention that I know I have a lot of followers who are still in the midst of the infertility trenches. I will try my best to be as sensitive as possible regarding our news and I certainly don't intend to turn this into a "pregnancy" blog now. Occasionally I will mention it but I plan to write about plenty of other things too. Of course, it's still at an extremely early stage so I don't feel like I am out of the woods yet by any means but I am incredibly grateful to have reached this point!

Happy tears

I had been debating the merit of testing a day or two before the official blood test. A single pregnancy test was in my drawer so it wasn't like I'd have to actually go out and buy any. For several days I went over the pros and cons of testing early. The main advantage being an extra day to "prepare" myself if it were negative. The last few days I have also had quite a few ups and downs.

One moment convinced this hasn't worked as I don't feel anything and with my bad luck in terms of trying to have a baby why would it? I'd even started thinking what we would do if it failed. Places we could visit for instance Barcelona or Malta sprung to mind. I also was wondering whether it would then make sense to make an appointment at our clinic to find out their thoughts and how low are chances are. However then I'd remind myself to stay hopeful a bit longer. The evening before last I started noticing some twinges around my ovaries which I couldn't help thinking could be a good sign. I've also had heartburn quite frequently. Although anything can be a side effect from all the drugs and hormones!

Ok, I'll get to the point... Before breakfast I decided to sneak away and do a test before hubby could tell me not to. Once I saw the dye initially just create the control test line and nothing else I looked away thinking "oh no, I can't bear this if it will be negative" and I started praying desperately while I waited.

About minute later I peeked at the test and to my absolute shock there was a second line. I looked again closer. It was definitely there! I double checked the instructions on the test, I was doing it right. Then I burst into tears! Extremely happy tears. I was shaking from just feeling so overwhelmed. I'm delighted! I am honestly really happy to have come one step closer. When I went back to the bedroom to tell hubby who was only just waking up, I burst into tears again. At first he got worried and couldn't tell whether I was happy or sad! I managed to get out that they were "happy tears" as he hugged me.

This is just stage one. The next hurdle is getting a good strong beta value at the blood test tomorrow. After our first IVF the HCG value was only 28 which implied it could end up being an early miscarriage which it sadly was. A number over 50 would have been better but ideally over 100. Hubby is still very apprehensive and worried. He told me he's anxious I'm getting my hopes up too much. I told him I am just taking it one day at a time and today I can be happy! I know I still have a long way to go. But the amazing thing is that one or both of our embryos implanted and as of right now, I am pregnant!! Please God the blood test will go well tomorrow.

Blissful ignorance

Right now I'm in a strange place. Our embryos may have implanted and I could be on my way to our dream of having a baby being fulfilled. Or nothing may be happening and it could end up being another heartbreaking negative call next week. Even though I would usually like the "two week wait" to be over quicker so I can just find out already, a big part of me just wants to remain in blissful ignorance a while longer. If our fourth and final IVF ends up being a negative then I'm in no rush to come crashing down. I'd just like to stay hopeful believing this could still happen for us awhile longer. So that's where I'm at now. One week down and scared for the outcome.

Hubby and I also had a discussion last night about what we would do it this fails. I said I know I would come out the other end eventually but initially I could imagine sinking into depression if it turns out all our efforts to have a family haven't come to pass. There are times when I question all my decisions in life leading up to this point. If I'd known all the challenges we would have had trying to have a baby then of course I would have started trying earlier. A few months probably wouldn't have made a big difference though. Hubby commented that even if I didn't have the issues with my fallopian tubes from previous surgeries I could still have had problems getting and staying pregnant due to the elevated natural killer cells or the missing KIR genes which were discovered during the immune blood panel.

This all sounds pretty depressing. Despite everything I was also thinking recently that we have quite an idyllic life in a lot of ways. We both love our house. That was a great decision and we are getting great joy out of spending time in our garden so far this Summer. We have a happy marriage, that's certainly not a given. Life in Germany is nice. We have a good standard of living. Coming from Ireland I really appreciate having a proper Summer here! We both have decent jobs, our health and a circle of friends, not to mention loving supportive families. So I'll remind myself that whatever happens we will find a way to be complete even if our "family" remains a family of two. In the meantime I'll stay hopeful and believe.

Time for the good wife

The day after our transfer I was injection free which was great! The two week wait of IVF always feels a little strange. You go from having numerous appointments at your clinic every few days and being extra busy to all of a sudden having free time and getting radio silence from your clinic. I'm doing well at the moment though. There were a few times where I got a bit emotional/stressed/overwhelmed thinking about it all but I've mainly been happy and positive. I've been reminded by my lovely blog commentators that each cycle and embryo tells a new story. Just because it hasn't worked for us before doesn't mean it couldn't happen now (sometimes I just think I can't even imagine this actually working..)

I'd taken several days off work after the transfer and I've really been taking it easy which has been nice! Hubby and I have done some things around the house; unpacking and organizing where we put things, cooking and eating lots of healthy meals but also just spending time together watching TV or relaxing in the garden. My favourite two shows at the moment are "The Good Wife" and "Call the Midwife". Hubby jokes I love any shows containing the word "wife" in the title, haha!

I'd actually stopped watching "Call the midwife" after our third round failed as I couldn't face seeing all the pregnancies and babies. However I feel fine about watching it now. I love shows set in the old days. "The Good Wife" is something I begun watching after IVF round three failed. It's perfect as it's a court room drama without a plot involving babies or pregnancies. I love watching shows with strong women characters. There are also about seven seasons on Netflix so lots to catch up on!

Oh yeah, I've also been trying to practice "social isolation" and staying away from other men lately, haha! There was a study which showed that women who avoided males other than their partner for three days after and IVF transfer had a higher rate of becoming pregnant. I figure anything is worth a shot at this point!

Last night I had a really sweet dream. In it, I had twin baby girls. There were about six months old and in a double buggy and I was bringing them around the park and shops with me. I was also tickling their chins and talking to them. They were laughing and smiling at me and I felt a strong sense of love. I woke up thinking how nice a thought it is that the embryos inside me could be communicating in some way. Yes, I know that probably sounds pretty far fetched! It could easily be that I have babies on the brain lately and it meant nothing, but it was sweet all the same! During our first IVF I remember having a dream of boy-girl twins.

A few days after our result we'll be hosting my mother in law's birthday party at our place. I'd offered to do it ages ago, not realising the timing. My MIL said if we get a positive result, it would be the best birthday present ever for her. It was a sweet and well meaning thing to say but for some reason I just felt added pressure, like if this doesn't work I'll be letting everyone down. I know I shouldn't feel like that though. Both sides are the family would just love to be grandparents.

Final transfer

It was strange to think that, considering we have agreed this is our final try of IVF, then today was also the last time our embryos would be transferred into me. Everything went pretty smoothly. The doctor wouldn't tell us the rating of the embryos but commented that one of them had grown particularly fast and was the better of the two.

This morning I went to the hairdresser bright and early at 8am! I wanted to get my hair coloured and cut before the transfer. If all goes well, then I would try to avoid dying my hair for as long as possible and then ideally only with dyes containing less chemicals. It seems overwhelming thinking that in two weeks I'll know the outcome! By then I'll know if it's a total negative and our journey to try to have our child or children will be over and it will be time to look towards a different future.

After the transfer hubby and I had a silly argument. The details are a bit stupid but I ended up getting emotional. All the stress from the past two weeks was getting to me. I'm feeling much better now though. And reasonably positive. Once we got home we had a relaxing afternoon. I've taken several days off work post transfer this time and that will be nice to have some time to relax before going back to work.

This is the top I wore for the transfer. I love butterflies and something about them has always made me feel hopeful. As well as the spotty socks I had worn for my first IVF transfer, the only time I was properly pregnant, even though it was short lived! This evening we watched the latest Muppets film which was a bit of fun.

If I start thinking about things too much then it's a little overwhelming so I'm planning to keep up the philosophy I used at the beginning of this cycle and just take things one day at a time. I am also planning to try to hold off for the official blood test if I can manage it this time. If I do any pregnancy tests beforehand I run the risk of getting false positive again (which happened the previous two times from leftover IVF hormones!). And even if it were an actual positive I wouldn't know the HCG value until the blood test anyway and it could end up being a chemical. So best just to wait it out.

Thanks so much to all my online friends who have been supporting and following along by the way!

Disappointing result but still hope left

Today was quite a let down after the excitement of yesterday. The clinic phoned and told me that out of the five eggs collected, only two of them fertilized. So now because there are so few embryos we'll be doing a three day rather than five day transfer as it's just too risky to wait the extra days. We are getting "assisted hatching" done this time though to hopefully increase our odds a little.

I know I should be grateful that we have two embryos, and I am absolutely, it was just a let down. I feel a bit stupid for the fact I let myself get so excited and carried away (as usual). I thought this cycle was turning out much better than the previous ones but it's just the same. We are still only ending up with two embryos after going through everything. During the previous IVF (third round) we transferred two great quality ones, but it failed nonetheless. These will be the sixth and seventh embryos we have created altogether.

I had a bit of a cry about it. I decided it's better to let the negatively out now and then from transfer day onwards I'll try to get the positivity back! I also decided I owe it to our two potential children growing in a petri dish right now to be hopeful and fight for them! I'm excited for the transfer anyway. That's always the highlight of the IVF process for me! Hubby is coming too.

We ended up having to entertain friends this afternoon which wasn't ideal timing wise! It was a colleague of my husband and his wife plus their seven month old baby. We haven't shared our infertility struggles with them as the guy is quite a gossip and hubby wouldn't want him spreading stories about us. They are nice but literally obsessed with their offspring! I'd be trying to tell them about our Australia trip for instance and then one of them would interrupt to point out that the baby had made a "cute" noise or slapped the table or whatever. A bit rude really. They also insisted on showing me several videos of the kid. I hope if this works out for us then we wouldn't be parents like that who don't have anything else in their lives to talk about!

Today was a good day

Normally the egg retrieval day is one of the worst for me as I've tended to have disappointing results. There was the first IVF where six promising follicles only led to two eggs, followed by the second where only a single egg was collected. My previous cycle was somewhat better with four eggs retrieved. At my old clinic we wouldn't be told how many eggs there were until the appointment with the doctor a few hours later and it was always an agonizing wait!

At my new clinic the doctor told us the egg number immediately after! Such a nicer way of doing things. So I was recovering from the procedure while feeling really happy as this time around, I got five eggs!! Best result yet. Such a relief as after my previous appointment I was terrified we might only end up with one or two. I wasn't in any pain after and generally have been recovering well. The plan is that the clinic will phone to let me know how many of the eggs fertilized. If we have three or more embryos then we will go for a transfer on day five, otherwise day three. The doctor told me that if we end up with only three embryos then it is likely only one will survive till day five. So as usual probably no leftovers to freeze.

I enquired about my thyroid value as it was tested at my last visit. And I could hardly believe it but the TSH value has gone down to 0.9?! Isn't that amazing? It had been 3.11 two weeks ago and I'd even considered postponing our IVF start because of it. Today has just been a really good day. The doctor I had this time (there are about five different ones at the new clinic) commented on how much she loves my accent and hearing me speak which was sweet!

I'll be kept busy the next while keeping up with all the injections and meds I have to take at certain times during the day so it's just as well I have an IVF diary where I've been writing it all down to keep track. As you can see from the picture, it has the Irish flag on the cover! I saw it and thought I could do with the extra "luck" of the Irish, haha! It came with a green pen as well.

Ups and downs of an IVF cycle

Well, I've arrived at the first descending part of the emotional roller coaster that is IVF. After my last appointment, I had two more days of injections to try to encourage the smaller follicles to catch up. At my latest appointment, it wasn't looking as good as I'd hoped. I have two big follicles on my left hand side, the rest are still tiny and it's looking less likely they will catch up. There are also two follicles on the right hand side though these are small. The doctor tried to prepare me by saying that worst case scenario is we might only get two eggs at the retrieval. My heart dropped when she said that. I had really been hoping that this new drug, Elonva which has shown promising results for poor responders like me might help or at least that the DHEA I'd taken for the past two months would if not. The doctor said that she really can't tell how many eggs I will end up with, I might be lucky and get more or not. So now I'm worried about maybe even ending up with less than two! Or if I do get at least two I'll be terrified that they might not be mature enough. During my last IVF attempt I got four eggs at the retrieval but only half of them fertilized. Although, the ones that did then grew into very good quality embryos, I still didn't get pregnant. There are so many unknowns in this whole process.

Yesterday's appointment was disappointing. This time I had a different doctor too and she wasn't as nice as the others have been. When I mentioned I was meant to get blood taken to get my thyroid checked she disagreed and implied I must have misunderstood (with the implication being because my German isn't good enough. Although maybe I'm just extra sensitive at the moment...). When she found a slip in my file which was marked that I WAS meant to get bloods taken she still didn't say anything nice and later when I was anxious about the number of follicles she wasn't exactly encouraging. I also started to worry that she might be turning the egg collection wrong and the follicles would be the wrong size, but I eventually decided that it's better not to second guess the doctor as that would just lead to more stress! I'll keep trying to trust that they know what they are doing.

Following the previous scan where I had seven follicles growing, I had started to get my hopes up thinking how amazing it would be if we ended up with six or seven eggs meaning even extras to freeze (and maybe a potential chance of a second child!). I was getting carried away too far on the positivity cloud and now I feel like I've being rudely awakened from the dream. My thought after the appointment was "I'm just so sick of this sh*t". Excuse the language. I don't normally curse but IVF brings it out of me! Maybe it's a good thing we have decided this is our final round as I feel like I've reached my limit. It's so frustrating to go through a week of injections only to not have your body respond as well as it should.

It was also just one of those days where everything that could go wrong did. A good friends at work announced they would be leaving in a few months. After my appointment I went to the pharmacy beside the clinic and they were out of one of the meds I needed. They had the other two but they wouldn't sell me those as you aren't allowed to get items on a prescription from separate pharmacies apparently. On the way home, I was in a bit of a daze trying to figure out how I'd be able to get the hormones I needed in time to do this morning's shots and I went to the wrong platform just as my train was pulling off. The subsequent train ended up being delayed so I missed my connection and had to wait half an hour in a train station in middle of no where. I didn't end up getting home till almost 10.30pm. It was a long day. There was also storm with really loud thunder and I wasn't able to sleep for ages.

So then this morning I had to get up extra early to go to the pharmacy in town which normally stocks IVF meds (at my local pharmacy you have to order them and it can take several hours at least). Once there after waiting in the queue, I find out that one of the drugs I need isn't available at the moment (Predalon). This is for the trigger shot which I have to give myself tonight at exactly 9pm. When the lady at the pharmacy said I would need a new prescription, I started panicking! It just felt like everyone was going wrong. Luckily she was helpful and said she could phone the clinic and get them to fax over the new prescription (for something called Brevacid which is the same thing just twice the price apparently). Crisis averted. While I was waiting for her to get the meds for me, a pretty young mother came in and then the pharmacist ignored me and went over to 'oo' and 'ahh' at the baby for several minutes. At this stage it was getting later and later. Granted the baby was pretty adorable but come on! Eventually I got my meds, raced home, did the morning injections (I've been told to stimm for one extra day to try to give the follicles a chance to catch up) and then just about made it in to work on time.

The GerMann has been very supportive I must say. He keeps reminding me that he loves me whatever happens and says I'm not letting him down (sometimes I feel like I am). He said that he hadn't been getting his hopes up too much and had been remaining "realistic" about it all. He's used to us only getting a few eggs at the retrieval. I know whatever happens, we will have each other. I still really really want this to work though. The egg collection will be in two days. I'd appreciate if you could please keep sending prayers and positive thoughts my way!

One week in

The first week has gone well. This IVF has felt a lot easier physically than the last ones so far as I've had less injections in the beginning phase. This round my doctor has me trying a relatively new shot called "Elonva". This is a slow releasing hormone so you only need to once to trigger several follicles to grow as opposed to every day like the other drugs. I had to inject it in the evening on day three of my cycle. Then starting four days later I had to start injecting "Orgalutran" to suppress ovulation. After a week I went back for my first check up at the clinic. I had been feeling pretty calm and positive up to then but the night before my scan I started to worry. I haven't felt a whole lot of symptoms so far. Bloating, and the odd stomach cramp but that's it really. I couldn't help worry that maybe I won't respond well to this drug and grow enough follicles.

Luckily the scan went well. I have seven follicles growing at the moment! This is the best number I've had yet. However only two of them are a good size, the other five are still really small and will need to catch up. The doctor wants me to inject a mixture of menogon (called Menopur in US I think and pergoveris) for two more days to try to help the follicles grow bigger and then I'll go back for another scan. At that stage the doctor should be able to tell me when the egg retrial will be, it's looking like it could be about four or five days time.

This IVF cycle we hope to let the embryos grow for five days in the lab instead of three. When you transfer embryos on day five your odds are better as the ones that have survived till then are generally good quality. Our problem is that I have only ended up with a few embryos each cycle so in that case it could be better to transfer them on day three. Dr. Peppy says that if we end up with at least four embryos then we can wait until day five, otherwise we would go with a three day transfer again. We have also chosen to transfer two embryos again.

I asked the doctor who scanned me how many eggs does she think we'll get at the retrieval. She had it's too hard to predict. So yeah I really don't know how it's going to go! The number of follicles won't correspond to the number of mature eggs unfortunately. Each cycle so far I have ended up having some empty follicles. That said I am trying to stay optimistic and just wait and see what happens. I was thinking the other day that I have been coping really well so far with this IVF, but then I remembered that I'm only a week into it and all the much harder stages are still ahead of me! The egg retrieval, the agonizing wait to see if or how many eggs fertilized, the praying that there will be at least one embryo to transfer.. not to mention the dreaded "two week wait" afterwards.

The past two weeks hubby and I have been eating very healthy and I'm really happy about that. The weather has been lovely here and I've been enjoying spending time in our garden. Lots of the herbs I planted several weeks ago have started to grow so we now have some rocket and spinach leaves. I went for a walk and said some positive affirmations in my head. Things like "I am healthy. I am strong. I am growing lots of healthy eggs.." and even "I am fertile". After three and a half years of unsuccessfully attempting to have a baby, I thought it would be good to try to replace some of the negative thoughts with more positive ones. This is a fresh new cycle and we aren't out of the race yet.

On Saturday I decided to "treat" myself to a massage. There's a Thai massage place in town and I booked myself in for an hour long massage focusing on back, shoulders and head. Anyway, I guess I had forgotten how painful Thai massages can be. Yikes! There were some nice relaxing bits but mostly lots of uncomfortable and sore parts. The occasional shoulder pain I get from sitting at a desk job all day was gone after but I also have some sore looking bruises on my arms since! I don't think I'll be going back there in a hurry. One of my colleagues at work even noticed. I told her what happened and she commented that I'm too much of a "princess" for Thai massages. That makes me sound like a bit of a diva or something, doesn't it? Anyway I think I'll stay away from Thai massages for now and go for things that are actually relaxing!

From a bag of nerves to feeling zen

The last few days my emotions have been all over the place. I was all set to start IVF round four, then I got a blood test which showed an elevated thyroid (TSH) value which threw a spanner into the works. The GerMann started saying that maybe, what with the cyst that was noticed at my ultrasound, our flights to Ireland for my brother's Irish wedding celebrations in July and now the thyroid issue, we should postpone a few months. My doctor also wants to do the short protocol again instead of the long protocol so I was also freaking out a bit as I thought we'd still have another month of really healthy eating before the egg retrieval but now it'll only be about two weeks!

It's really overwhelming as well knowing this is our final try at this. The guy at my health insurance office had mistakenly told me that I would have 50% coverage for three more IVF rounds and had gotten my hopes up a little... Not that I particularly want to do three more, just nice to have a safety net... Anyway he had filled out the form wrong as I am only entitled to one more round that will be partially covered. Hubby has also reminded me a few times that this is our final try. We have discussed it at length many times and we are both in agreement; there are lots of reasons why we feel like we can't keep going after this, but I guess I'm finding it scary thinking that we might reach the end of this journey without a baby.

It feels overwhelming now that the final round is upon us and I'm terrified to be honest! Part of me is screaming, "I'm not ready yet!", "maybe we should wait another month or two so I can try to eat better as I haven't been as good as I wanted to be the past few weeks". Another voice is saying, "let's not keep postponing and letting my eggs get older, you're as ready as you'll ever be, let's do this! " Basically, I was freaking out a little!

I wouldn't say I'm a very religious person these days. I was brought up catholic and there used to be a time I'd go to mass every week but these days I rarely go and my faith has definitely been questioned over the years. Sometimes I'm not sure what I believe anymore but other times I still feel spiritual and I still pray often. Anyway so I prayed for guidance to help me decide whether to move forward now or wait. The next day I felt oddly remarkably calm. I just had this feeling like this is the right time. (Of course I know this may have all been in my head, but the main thing is I didn't feel as stressed so I'm happy!). I also made the decision that I would trust our doctor at our new clinic.

Long story short I got another ultrasound at my appointment today and it did show two small cysts. However the doctor said that since they are tiny it's not a problem and I can still go ahead. I asked about the thyroid, explaining that this is our final IVF round and we would postpone a month if need be. We were told that even though my TSH value certainly isn't optimal, it is being treated now. I'll get my blood checked again next appointment and we should still go ahead. So long story short, IVF number 4 is a go!

First injection is tomorrow. I'll go back to clinic in a week for a scan and then be told how many more days of injections will be needed and when the egg collection will take place. I have decided that I am going to just take everything one day at a time and try my best to stay calm. Thinking about the future makes me stressed and anxious, so focusing on getting through this step by step seems to be the approach that works best for me! Hubby and I have started eating as healthy as possible for the next two weeks. No alcohol for either of us, lots of fruit and veg, gluten and dairy free for me. I'm off caffeine and he's reducing his two cups of coffee a day to one.

Thanks so much for all the support the past few days by the way!

Pesky thyroid

Last week I'd gone for a so called "check up 35" at my doctor's practice. It's basically a general health check up covered by your insurance here once you turn 35. Anyway I asked to get my thyroid tested during it. When I phoned to ask the results a few days later they said everything was fine. I then asked what exactly my TSH value was. The nurse answered "3.11". I think my reaction was just shock! That is not a good value when you are trying to get pregnant. You really want between 1 and 2, under 2.5 at any rate.

Seriously, what the hell is going on with my thyroid? Last year when I got the extensive blood panel done it had been 2.3 so then I was put on meds for six weeks. It went up a little during IVF last year, which I read is quite common due to the IVF hormones so then my does of Levothyroxine was then increased (from 50mg to 75mg). By the end of February the packet of meds ran out and Dr. Peppy at the fertility clinic gave me another blood test after our appointment early march. She didn't tell me the exact numbers just that my thyroid was perfect so at that stage I went off the meds. Or rather, I wasn't prescribed anymore. I thought my thyroid was fixed but it seems like it has been gradually increasing since then!

I emailed Dr. Peppy about the latest blood test results. I think she may be regretting giving me her email now, haha! Actually she's been very good at emailing me back and really helpful which is nice. I've been trying to not abuse that fact and keeping questions and emails to a minimum.

She said that I should take the thyroid meds again and she would test my blood at my next appointment. So during my lunch break ch break I went to the pharmacy to buy Levothyroxine only to be told that I need a prescription. As soon as I could I emailed the doctor again asking if she could possibly scan the prescription and send it by email. She hadn't replied by the end of that day so then the following morning before work I spoke to the receptionist at the clinic to explain the dilemma. We came up with a solution. I would be sent the prescription by post. In the meantime, she would fax it to my local pharmacy so I could start taking the meds sooner. Perfect! However when I got to the pharmacy no fax had arrived. They tried phoning the clinic several times but couldn't get through. I waited around for awhile then eventually went to work.

Luckily when I went back on my lunch break I was able to collect the thyroid meds so I'm back on 75mg of thyroxine again the past few days. Let's hope my thyroid will be back within the normal range before I get to the IVF transfer stage.

Gearing up for round 4

It was touch and go whether my uterine biopsy results would arrive in time for me to start our next round of IVF. I provisionally made an appointment for early this week and we had left it that I would call that morning to see if the results had arrived in time and presumably if they hadn't I'd need to postpone treatment for another month or two. Although if they showed that I had an infection (Endometritis) then I'd need antibiotics for several weeks and have to postpone anyway.

Both the GerMann and my sister were thinking it would be good if I had Endometritis since it would mean something to treat and a reason IVF hasn't worked until now. Personally I was hoping I wouldn't have it, as I don't particularly want to find another issue potentially wrong. It's already a hassle having all the immune problems.

Dr. Peppy (my nickname for her) had emailed me a few days before my appointment saying that my results arrived and they were "unauffällig" (unremarkable) so nothing stands in my our way now. She sounded excited in her email which was sweet! I was also happy as initially the clinic had phoned hubby to say the results were there but they wouldn't discuss them on the phone which led me to start worrying that maybe they were bad and the doctor wanted to tell me in person!

Several things happened at my appointment this week.

• The ultrasound showed a cyst (urgh), so I'll need another ultrasound once my period starts to make sure that's gone before I can begin


• There was a problem with my health insurance (the eejit at my health insurance office had filled out the form wrong. He also had mistakenly told me I'd be covered for three more IVF cycles when actually I should only be covered for one more). so that's a bit disappointing. It all rests on IVF number 4..


• My womb lining apparently looked nice and thick


• Dr. Peppy has decided that instead of me doing the long protocol like we had agreed before, she wants me to do the short protocol again but try a new drug called Elonva. You inject it once and it gradually releases the hormone over several days. She has seen promising results from women in her clinic who have taken it


• The plan is that first we need to get things sorted with my health insurance. Then once my period arrives I need to get checked either at my local doctor or at the clinic to make sure it's gone then I can start with the injections on the third day of my cycle


• She would like me to start taking a low dose of Prednisolone before transfer this time. They also only administer one round of Intralipids in the weeks before you start IVF. The next one would be after the egg collection. I was able to get my first Intralipid done while I was there. Of course this all assumes that I'll be able to start next week...

So that's where I'm at. I feel a little overwhelmed about going through it all again. Scared too. The only part I'm actually looking forward to is the transfer. I like my doctor though and trust her. I'll know more in a week whether I'm starting or not.

How I've been preparing for my 4th IVF

It's a strange feeling knowing I could be beginning our fourth IVF in just a few weeks, Or I might not be starting for a several months. Would you believe we're still waiting for the results of my uterine biopsy? We emailed our doctor while we were in Australia and she said that it takes about six weeks. So initially we had been told one week by the doctor who performed it, then three to four by the receptionist and now six. The not knowing is frustrating but since there is nothing we can do I'm trying not to think about it too much! Anyway, these are the way I have been preparing for our 4th IVF;

• Step one - uterine biopsy to rule out any infection such as endometriosis

The uterine biopsy and scratch was suggested by Dr. Peppy at our new clinic as it's the one test I haven't had done yet. It was uncomfortable but luckily not painful and only took a few minutes. The long part was getting to and from the clinic, as it's in a different city to where we live. If it turns out that I have an infection such as endometriosis then I'll need to take antibiotics for a month and probably test again so it would definitely affect how soon we can start our next IVF cycle.






• Step two - go on holidays

We went to Australia in April for my brother's wedding and had an amazing time. It was so nice to spend time with family, have a holiday with hubby and just relax and not think about infertility treatments! It was really good for us to take some time off from everything. Traveling is one of my favourite things to do. I'll try to do a separate post on that and share even more photos. I'm really glad we decided to go on the trip in the end. Initially we had been considering staying here to save money and not have to postpone IVF too long, but a family wedding is such a special event and I'm glad to have been a part of it.

Usually I try to quit alcohol in the months leading up to IVF but I haven't been doing that this time. I haven't been drinking much though, just the odd glass or two of wine at the weekends, but then in Australia I ended up consuming a fair bit, as you do on holidays! For instance, we went on a Swan Valley wine tour one of the days and my sister and I got very tipsy. I hadn't laughed so hard in a long time! I've decided to not let myself feel bad about it as I needed the break after everything. Once I start with the IVF injections I'll cut out alcohol completely.






• Step three - supplements to prepare ourselves

We are both planning to take his and her preconception supplements once we start our IVF cycle. I've also got hubby on Coq10 which has been shown to improve DNA fragmentation. He hasn't been shown to have any issues with his swimmers, but no harm doing whatever we can to improve things. Hubby and I have both been taking vitamin D as our blood tests showed we were low.
My doctor agreed that I can try DHEA before this cycle which can help women who respond poorly to the IVF hormones. Of course, I'm also on folic acid. For egg quality I'm taking 600mg of coq10 each day and I'm planning to start 3mg of melatonin once I begin the IVF injections stage until the egg retrieval as I've read good things about it. I had taken thyroid meds for several months after my blood tests showed my levels were slightly off but my most recent blood test showed my thyroid is ok now. Let's hope it stays that way!






• Step four - general health and diet

Since January, I decided to go gluten free and eat low dairy and less sugar. Apparently that could help reduce elevated natural killer cells. Hubby and I have also been trying to avoid processed foods as much as possible and generally eat lots of vegetables and legumes. We've both cut down on the amount of animal products in our diet. It has been fun trying out new recipes together and we've both been feeling great. I decided to try going gluten free after reading this study which concluded;

Patients of childbearing age having fertility problems may have subclinical NCGS and they should be informed that the treatment of NCGS by a gluten free diet might improve their fertility. Based on the case we are presenting, the possible prevention or treatment of reproductive effects may be achieved through a strict gluten free diet.

NCGS stands for 'non-coeliac gluten sensitivity' by the way. In some people your body apparently mistakenly thinks it is something bad and there can be an autoimmune response. I figure I could try it for a few months, what have I got to lose? Since going gluten free my general digestion has also improved which is a plus. It can be quite challenging following a gluten free low dairy diet living in Germany though, particularly when eating out! Here's a picture of a delicious breakfast I ate in Perth. Vegan buckwheat pancakes with fruit and cashew cream.






• Step five - general self care

I haven't started this yet but I'm planning to try to make more time to do nice relaxing things for myself. I'd like to book a massage for instance, read more as I love reading, take long baths, listen to music and so on. And make sure we also do nice things like go on dates. It's very easy to get into the habit of staying in and binge watching tv shows and as much fun as that is, it's good to get some variety and go out for walks, dinner, cinema etc.

Won't it be nice once all this is over and I can eat, drink and do what I feel like without worrying about affecting my egg quality! Also it will be great once I'm done taking so many tablets each day. But it's ok, I'm happy now as I know that I am doing it all for an important reason. I've also noticed that the Australia trip has done me a world of good! I feel like I got to be myself again. My brother's wedding was so much fun! I was hanging out with a lot of his friends who are about three years younger than me. The handy thing was that none of them were at the kid stage yet (it's quite typical to not get married in Ireland until your 30s) so hubby and I weren't constantly being reminded of our lack of children like we might be when we meet up with friends our age. It was interesting to get to know my brother's friends and his life on the other side of the world. I had fun dancing like crazy on the dancefloor! Myself and some of the other girls from Dublin even attempted to do some Irish dancing, haha!

I would even go so far to say that I feel stronger emotionally after the Australia trip too. For instance on the flight there I refrained from watching "Bad Moms" or "Storks" on the plane as I was still feeling too fragile and worried that they would upset me too much with too many triggers. However on the flight back I watched them both! Bad Moms had some moments about how great it is being a mom and so on but otherwise it was mainly silly and funny and perfect for wasting a few hours on a long flight! During Storks I did cry a bit at the end but everyone did!

Hopefully I'll hear from Dr.Peppy soon so we can finally start planning when our 4th round will start. In the meantime we have another wedding to go to this month, so there will probably be more drinking and hitting the dancefloor!

March recap

Thought I'd share what I've been up to the past few weeks.

At the beginning of the month I took a trip to Dublin. The GerMann wasn't able to make it. It must have been the first time I'd gone back 'home' without him in about three or four years! I mainly caught up with friends and spent time with family. I got to meet up with some old work colleagues I hadn't seen in almost two years as we hadn't been able to get together on my previous visits back, so I'm glad that worked out. We met for lunch near my old company and it was a real trip down memory lane. Crazy thinking I've lived in Germany almost seven years already!

Hubby and I celebrated St. Patrick's day (March 17th) which is always fun. We invited lots of friends, whoever was around basically, to join us at the local Irish pub for drinks and live music. There were about ten of us in the end. It was the perfect evening! We partied a little too hard though and we both felt pretty hungover the following day! Worth it though.

In terms of our journey to try to become parents, we had our appointment at the new clinic at the start of the month. I got a uterine biopsy two weeks later, as suggested by my new doctor and am still waiting for the results before we proceed with a fourth and probably final IVF this Summer at some stage. I'm not sure of the timing yet. Lately I've been feeling like there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. I'm sure everyone has weeks like that though! It's been a busy month between big projects and deadlines at work, trying to get the paperwork sorted for our new clinic, getting organized for the upcoming holiday and keeping up with household stuff. On top of that we had some unforeseen expenses regarding rusty pipes that needed to be replaced and had plumbers come fix things.

Spring has finally sprung and we've been able to sit out and enjoy the sunny weather. The GerMann and I did some gardening! Some flowers he planted several months ago have started to bloom and I planted some herbs and vegetables; basil, spinach, rosemary and pumpkin. I'm excited to see if any of them grow. Gardening reminded me of my previous IVF transfers where the doctor 'plants' the embryo and then it may or may not stick and grow. But then I guess everything reminds me of fertility lately haha!

Last week I went to see the new Beauty and the Beast film with a friend here and we both loved it. It's just feel good and fun! I can imagine that some people might find it too silly and Disneyish but as someone who loved the original film as a kid, I thought it was well done. There were new songs plus Beauty's character was played with more heroically by Emma Watson. The relationship between her and the Beast was more developed and hence believable. We also saw Passengers this month, which couldn't have been more different but also very good, a sort of romance sci-fi set in space.

What did you get up to in March?