Right now I'm in a strange place. Our embryos may have implanted and I could be on my way to our dream of having a baby being fulfilled. Or nothing may be happening and it could end up being another heartbreaking negative call next week. Even though I would usually like the "two week wait" to be over quicker so I can just find out already, a big part of me just wants to remain in blissful ignorance a while longer. If our fourth and final IVF ends up being a negative then I'm in no rush to come crashing down. I'd just like to stay hopeful believing this could still happen for us awhile longer. So that's where I'm at now. One week down and scared for the outcome.
Hubby and I also had a discussion last night about what we would do it this fails. I said I know I would come out the other end eventually but initially I could imagine sinking into depression if it turns out all our efforts to have a family haven't come to pass. There are times when I question all my decisions in life leading up to this point. If I'd known all the challenges we would have had trying to have a baby then of course I would have started trying earlier. A few months probably wouldn't have made a big difference though. Hubby commented that even if I didn't have the issues with my fallopian tubes from previous surgeries I could still have had problems getting and staying pregnant due to the elevated natural killer cells or the missing KIR genes which were discovered during the immune blood panel.
This all sounds pretty depressing. Despite everything I was also thinking recently that we have quite an idyllic life in a lot of ways. We both love our house. That was a great decision and we are getting great joy out of spending time in our garden so far this Summer. We have a happy marriage, that's certainly not a given. Life in Germany is nice. We have a good standard of living. Coming from Ireland I really appreciate having a proper Summer here! We both have decent jobs, our health and a circle of friends, not to mention loving supportive families. So I'll remind myself that whatever happens we will find a way to be complete even if our "family" remains a family of two. In the meantime I'll stay hopeful and believe.
Hey, Dubs. Nice shout out to George Orwell's 1984 :) I'm praying so hard this is you and GerMann's cycle. I wish there was something I could write or say that would make the wait to the beta test easier. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThat's ok, the days aren't going too slowly actually. Thanks for the prayers, please God this will be the cycle that works!
DeleteWishing you sticky baby dust. I love the not knowing as you described it. It is so easy to be optimistic during this phase! Good luck to you guys!
ReplyDeleteYea it's nice to just not know and believe! Thanks :)
Deletehaving a supportive partner through the infertility is a blessing. I wish your family of you two turn to a family of three or four.
ReplyDeleteyes so true, having a good partner helps a lot! Thanks so much for the support. Hoping for good things for you too.
DeleteHuge hugs and all the positive thoughts for you! It's so hard to count your blessings, especially when everyone around you seems to have what you want. I am really hoping this is it for you.
ReplyDeleteyeah that's so true. It can be really hard seeing other people have kids so easily and wondering why it's so hard for some of us. Thanks for the hugs and positive thoughts :)
DeleteGot everything crossed for you. Try to keep positive and don't think ahead. Now is not the time. Sending lots of luck XXX
ReplyDeleteyeah it's been nice to remain in this little positivity bubble! Thanks for all the well wishes! xx
DeleteWishing you all the best! It's wonderful to read all of the good things too about what you have, i myself seem to forget so easy all of the good things when thinking about having a family - it's so important to remember.
ReplyDeleteI hope that this cycle works for you! x
yeah I find it can help to think of what we do have rather than focusing on what we're missing. No one can expect to have everything.. Thanks for your support! x
DeleteI hope your last week is beautiful. While I ultimately want the outcome to be great news, at least you have 7 days where of ignorant bliss.
ReplyDeleteI've sometimes had to focus on the wonderful things I do have in my life and not let myself get depressed by what I don't.
Here's praying for you. I wish we had that remote control from "click" and could control at what rate we enjoy certain moments. The waiting room at the clinic would be my speed up moment.
yes it helps to think of the good things in our lives and to appreciate that stuff. All the waiting involved on this journey can be hard! If I could just see into the future it would help so much. Thanks for the nice wishes :)
DeleteEnjoy every moment xx
ReplyDeleteThanks :) x
DeleteSending good vibes to you Dubliner...I suppose ignorant bliss has its upsides.
ReplyDeleteYes it's good to remind yourself to focus on the positive things and not get depressed by what you don't have - I can be the worse person for doing that, I suppose it's human nature. Good luck to you and the man!
yea it's human nature to compare yourself to others but there will always be someone better off, or at least who seems to be better off but you don't know the full story. I try to remind myself of that when I see "perfect" pictures on facebook or instagram for instance! Thanks for the good vibes :)
DeleteFingers crossed, I hope it works this time :-) Sending positive thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anne! :)
DeleteJust checking in to see how you are xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm doing good actually. I'll post an update later :) x
DeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the support!
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