week 39 - Baby is here!

So I actually went into labour the night after I wrote my last post! It all happened very fast. The doctor had told me that I would probably give birth within the next few days. At three am that night my waters broke and at a quarter past nine in the morning I gave birth to our daughter! A beautiful healthy girl - who arrived one week early. 2.95kilos.

I plan to share my full birth story soon but things are pretty hectic here with a newborn as you can imagine! It was a positive experience overall, I didn't labour for that long and I had a water birth in the end. It was very tough going though!

I don't think my husband would feel comfortable with my sharing pictures here on the blog but if you would like to see some then just email me directly at dublinerindeutschland@gmail.com.

Week 38 - so close - pregnancy diary

This last week I haven't been planing as much. I wanted to start winding down a little and taking it easy before things get hectic. It's sort of a strange time at the moment. On the edge of this gigantic life change which could happen at any moment! Yet on the other hand I still want to enjoy my last few weeks of this pregnancy. I have had a few times where I would get a bit of cramping and then think, could this be it? I've mainly been nervous and not felt ready yet to be honest! Though as time goes on I do think I'm starting to feel gradually more prepared. Or as ready as I'll ever be!

I met up with the girls from my birth preparation course again. Well, there are eight of us in the group, two of which have never come to any of the meetups. Another two from the group had their babies already! Everything went well and they are happy. Of the four of us who came to the meet up, one is due for a planned c section next week, another is due next week and then me and the other girl have due dates in two weeks. One of the girls was talking about how surreal it is and that she can't imagine actually having a baby and that's exactly how I've been feeling so I guess many people have that surreal feeling!

End of week 38

*TMI alert* Today is the the last day of my 38th and week I noticed a little spotting this morning when I got up. I remembered at my birth preparation course being told that this can be a sign that labour is going to start over the next few days and to not go on any long trips! I had an appointment anyway at the doctor and I told him and he said it's a good sign. When he examined me he noticed my cervix has started to soften and he told me that he thinks it'll happen sometime over the next few days!!

Oh boy. I've been feeling all jittery since I heard that! Hubby was with me at the appointment and he said to me after that he wants to get home quickly to also do some last minute "nesting"! Haha. By that he means sorting out some of the paperwork and bureaucracy. It's quite confusing here. We will be entitled to "Elterngeld" (parental leave pay) and "Kindergeld" (child benefit pay) but there will be a lot of forms to fill out, plus it's a little more complicated since I'm not German and our wedding was in Ireland.

I'd already made quite a few plans over the next few days such as meeting friends for lunch, but I wrote and told them what the doctor has said and left it that I will confirm before meeting them if I can still make it, just in case! Of course it would still take longer like another week but it makes sense to "prepare" for the eventually that it could happen soon. I still have half of the childbirth book to finish reading which I'd like to do as I find reading it calms me.

We got the cot now. We bought a co-sleeper from friends of ours. Hubby commented that it feels even more real seeing the cot! I think the baby room is ready now, I could just do some more laundry. But honestly overall we are pretty prepared... I just hadn't really thought that the baby might come early, I always had it in my head that she would be overdue.

Feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness!

weeks 36 - 37 baby shower & family visit #pregnancyDiary

Week 36

This week we had an appointment at the hospital where I'd like to give birth. You don't have to register, they would accept you if you were to just show up but it's nice if you can go there beforehand. We met one of the midwives who filled out a form with medical history, information about the pregnancy and my birth plan wishes. I said I'd like low intervention, hopefully even a water birth, delayed cord clamping and skin to skin bonding. They seemed really open to my ideas. Whether I'll be able to have a water birth will depend on if the room with the birthing pool is available at the time. We also requested a family room to stay in after (it costs 75€ extra per night) and that would also depend on availability.

The midwife answered my questions, was really friendly and left us both with a good impression of the place. Afterwards we were able to get a tour of the birthing suites, apart from one room which was in use. We could hear a newborn baby crying as we went past and it made me feel quite emotional! And a little overwhelmed, like oh my gosh, do we know what we are in for?! I hope we can handle everything. Seeing the birthing rooms also made it all feel very real and I did feel a bit nervous to be honest!

This week I met up with the girls from my birth preparation course for lunch and there were six of this there this time. It was really nice. I felt a little shy at times about speaking German, I still get that way with new people sometimes even though I've lived here over seven years now however at one stage they commented that my German is really good and they love my accent which made me feel more confident.

It's been a busy week between one thing and another! I met up with several friends, organized the things in the baby room, did some housework and relaxed when I had time. Next week my Dad is visiting which is great. Once I get to 38 weeks I intend to not plan as many social things as pretty much anytime between week 38 and week 42 I could go into labour and I'd like to start winding down a little and resting before the baby comes!

I also had my baby shower this week. It was great! I definitely felt loved and spoilt. Two american friends of mine here threw it for me and did a lovely job. There were about ten of us there altogether and everyone got on really well. There were some onesies, bibs and nappies that people could decorate and write messages on. It was such a lovely afternoon. I was also overwhelmed by all the lovely presents we got and so many people wrote us lovely messages in their cards about how happy they are for us and how they can't wait to meet our little one.

Week 37

Early this week I went to Schwangerschaftsgymnastik "pregnancy gymnastics". That was run by the centre where my "Hebamme" (midwife/doula) works. I would probably describe it as a mixture between gentle aerobics and yoga. At the beginning we had to introduce ourselves and say where we lived and which month our babies are due. It still feels a little strange for me at times to be part of the mum "club" now after it always seemed so elusive for years. Everyone was friendly. We practiced some breathing exercises in the class to help for birth.

They also offer a meditation class at the centre which I might try out next week. They have acupuncture too but don't think I'll do that as I didn't like it in the past! Once the babies are born they also offer various classes. There's a thing called Rückbildung which is an exercise class to help your body recover. You are meant to start it around 6-8 weeks after birth and the German health insurance covers it. They also offer classes with babies/kids such as music and dance and babywearing. There's a nursing group too who go to cafes together once a week. So lots of options for getting out of the house with the baby during parental leave.

This week my Dad came to visit for a few days which was lovely! I was feeling pretty good and we went out for long walks two of the days and also to some nice restaurants while hubby was at work. I really enjoyed spending some quality time together before it'll all be about the baby. In around a month he will be back with my sister to visit us and please God, the baby will have arrived safely. It was a bit emotional saying our goodbyes. It still feels surreal to me a lot of the time that I might actually get a real baby soon! Not sure when that will actually sink in.

I had another doctor's appointment and this time I paid extra for an ultrasound. I wanted one for peace of mind mainly! Everything looks good thankfully. The baby is still positioned head down. I'll go back to the doctor at the end of week 38 and then I've an appointment on my actual due date. The doctor's assistant said if I don't show up they'll assume I've given birth. It's really mad how little time there is left. I would like another week or two to feel more ready ideally but otherwise I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

My Dad told me that my Mum had very short labours for all three kids. Like only around 4-5 hours!! For my birth she woke him up around 5am after timing the contractions for awhile to be sure it was real and then they went to the hospital and I was there by around 9am. So a lot faster than I realised! It's a good thing if I take after her in that way and don't have long labours but it's something to be aware of. At the birth preparation course we had been told first time mothers labour an average of 12 hours and to spend the first 2-3 hours at home but in my case it sounds like I shouldn't hang around too much if things are moving quickly! It's something to be aware of. Of course I would time the contractions too. One of the evenings while my Dad was here I did have some cramps for awhile. They probably lasted around half an hour or so. They were uncomfortable but not so bad. Practice contractions I think! Apart from that no other indications of when the birth might be.

Happy Valentine's Day by the way!

weeks 33 - 35 start of maternity leave #pregnancyDiary

Week 33

At the start of week 33 I had another doctor's appointment. It had been a month since the previous one and from this point on they will be every two weeks. Hubby was able to come with me which was nice. It was pretty much the usual. I arrive, check in, am told to go hand in a pee sample, then wait to be called. After which I go into a room where the nurse weighs me and then they use the CTG machine to measure any contractions and check the heartbeat. My blood pressure is also checked and they usually take blood to check for toxmoposis. That takes around 40 mins altogether. Then I go back to wait until the doctor is ready.

One of the women from my birth preparation course was in the waiting room this time and I started chatting to her. She's really nice. Her baby is due three weeks before mine. I'm definitely going to try to arrange a meetup with the women from my group. I think I mentioned before I could do with more german friends plus it would be nice to have people to meet with babies around the same age. Hopefully we'll get on well and have things in common. She's planning to give birth at the same hospital as me too and already registered there. She told me how friendly the staff were.

Once we were called in to the doctor, we had a chat with him about how I'm doing. He told me that there won't be any more ultrasounds at this stage! Unless I want to pay extra for one. I discussed it with hubby and we decided that it's ok, we can probably do without any more. I felt a little sad for a moment but I think I can wait now to meet the baby in real life! The doctor checked my cervix which is still closed and commented that he could feel the baby's head! She's still in the birth position which is a relief.

I asked whether he had any indication whether the baby might arrive early or on time or late but he laughed and explained how there is no way of knowing. He's had women come in with a closed cervix and the baby far up in the uterus who have gone into labour two hours later and others with already opening cervixes who still take a few more weeks. I tend to be the sort of person who likes to plan everything and know what I'm doing so the thought of having no idea when the baby will arrive is somewhat strange and a little unnerving! I'll just try to get as much done as possible over the next few weeks just in case. Hubby and I went for a nice lunch date together after our appointment at a local hamburger place.

I also finished up at work at the end of week 33. In Germany maternity leave starts 6 weeks before your due date. I've a long list of things I'd like to accomplish during the time but we'll see how many things I get too! It felt quite surreal going into to work on my last day knowing I wouldn't be back for around half a year. I was quite busy the last few days finishing up things and doing a handover so I ended up working late. The time really flew the last few weeks.

Week 34

Well my first week of maternity leave has been nice! I've kept busy. I met up with friends a few times, sorted through a bunch of baby stuff so that now the nursery is coming along, caught up on my reading, started getting my hospital bag ready (still need to wash and pack a few more things but it's more or less done), and spent time with hubby. I even cooked pumpkin risotto and froze a bunch of leftovers. I haven't been productive every day though! I have a long to do list and a whole bunch of things I'd like to get done but there has been days when I'm just too tired and then I've just taken it easy. I am trying to get to as much as possible ideally at the start of my maternity leave when I have a little energy and then towards the end I can focus more on resting and preparing for the birth. Of course I've no idea when the actual birth might be, whether she will arrive early, on time or late!

My Dad and sister are so excited they already booked their flights over in March to visit. They are due to come around 8 days after my due date. I'm a little worried that the baby might end up being overdue as that would be disappointing if they arrived and I was still pregnant and waiting! However the other weekends in March didn't suit them as much and they know the risks I guess. Most likely though the baby won't go more than a week overdue.. I think. In Germany they induce you if you go ten days over your expected date.

I'm still feeling pretty good in general. More tired which is to be expected and I'm not as mobile anymore. Sometimes my hips hurt when I walk around. I went for a pregnancy massage, this time to a different place recommend by a friend and it was really good. Some parts hurt when the masseuse was trying to get rid of shoulder tension for instance but it was also really nice and relaxing. I'll try to go again. I've been considering getting acupuncture as it's meant to help with the labour pain but my experiences with acupuncture in the past haven't been great so I'm not sure if it's for me or not! They have pregnancy gymnastics and meditation at the center where my Hebamme (midwife/doula) works and I would like to try it out but this past week I was just too lazy!

I attempted to organize a meetup with the girls from my birth preperation group. Only one girl responded which was disappointing. However in the end I met up with her, as well as two others from the group who don't have whatsapp so I sent an old fashioned SMS too and the four of us ended up having a really nice lunch. We are all due within about two weeks of each other. It's a good way for me to practice my German too! We got on well and they all thanked me for arranging it. I even opened up to them about our struggles to have a baby and IVF. I had to explain what's involved in IVF as they didn't really know. They were all really supportive and delighted for us that it worked. One of the girls is older and said she had been considering going to the clinic to get checked out however then it happened for them eventually without needing to but she said it's very common these days for couples to need help. Don't I know it! There's a whole world of couples out there struggling trying to build a family, and I also know it often doesn't work out sadly for various reasons.

Week 35

I'm still enjoying being pregnant and loving feeling the movement. In terms of symptoms I notice my hips hurt sometimes when I walk, I get heartburn on and off still and it can be quite bad and I wake up around 1-3 times in the night to pee. But really nothing so bad and I am grateful that I'm still feeling relatively good! It's strange having all this time off. On the one hand I have a list of things I could be doing and each day I wonder how productive I should be but on the other hand it's so nice to have the time to relax and just catch up on my reading! I'm doing a mixture I would say. When I have bursts of energy I try to take advantage of it by meeting up with people or catching up on housework, preparing the baby room etc and when I am tired then I give into it and relax! I've been watching lots of Pretty Little Liars on netflix. I used to think it was a very teen centered show and wasn't so into it the first one or two seasons but then I started to really enjoy it. At this stage our baby will probably recognize the opening music haha!

This has been a nice week. We got a new changing table from IKEA and it's all set up now. I never thought I would be so excited about a changing table! The room is coming together really nicely. Since a lot of progress has been made recently I don't feel that same stress that things won't be ready in time. I have a bunch more clothes to sort through but overall the room is more or less almost set up at this stage.

We are buying a co-sleeper bed from friends. Just like any baby product I've heard some mixed things. People have mainly been positive about it though one or two have said that their baby didn't like being even as far away as that and wanted to sleep right next to them. Or some babies outgrew it by around nine months instead of 18 months like it says on the website of the brand we are going for. I think it can depend on how fast your baby grows and whether they start to crawl around a lot or stay in the co-sleeper at night. We've been having trouble making our minds up about what sort of buggy to get. We have a whole selection of babywearing carriers now which we are hoping to mainly use, if the baby likes them that is. So we might not even need to use a buggy that much at the beginning. Or maybe it would be handy to have one for walks and for day time naps.

My Dad has booked flights to visit me next week. He suggested coming over during my maternity leave to keep me company before the baby arrives. Such a nice idea! It will be lovely to have some quality time before the baby arrives and things are more hectic.

weeks 30 - 32 Christmas #pregnancyDiary

Week 30

I almost can't believe I've made it to 30 weeks! There are only about ten weeks left till we meet our little one. I've been enjoying the buildup to Christmas. I put up our tree the first day of December already and hubby and I often play Christmas songs at home. This year my family did Secret santa, so we instead of having to buy for loads of different people we would all just have to focus on one person with one bigger gift. That made things a lot easier. We've gotten the presents for hubby's side too so I'm feeling fairly organized.I sent out my first batch of Christmas cards but I still have a bunch more to send.

We'll be spending this Christmas with my husband's side. It's always different being away from your own family at Christmas time and experiencing different traditions but it should still be a lovely time. I've only a few more weeks of work left until my maternity leave starts!

This week we had our final birth preparation course day. It was good. Newborn care was the focus. Such as how to bathe the babies, baby wearing, more about breastfeeding etc. At the end of the course I got some of the girls numbers and said I'd set up a whatsapp group so we can meet up sometime.

My appetite has definitely increased lately! I went out for lunch on Saturday with friends and ordered a lasagna, realised after I was still starving then ordered a large starter of bruschetta! The next morning I woke up at five am feeling hungry and couldn't get back to sleep so got up and had some porridge after which I managed to sleep a few more hours. Baby must be going through a growth spurt. My bump is definitely much bigger but it is still small in general for 7 months. A few people have commented. At my last doctor's appointment he noticed my iron count is low so I've been trying to eat more iron rich foods.

Week 31

This week is Christmas and my birthday. Last year we had a lovely Christmas with my family but it was still tinged with sadness wondering if we would ever be able to have children. I was in the middle of the two week wait after our third IVF cycle which ultimately failed. I remember testing on Stephen's day morning thinking for sure it would be positive and the horrible feeling of shock and sadness when it wasn't. It was a hard way to start into 2017. It is so different to how things are now with our baby on board and feeling hopeful.

I often think of all the couples who are still in the trenches and finding this time of year particularly hard. Christmas can be very kid centered! It can also be very hard when you have lost loved ones. It was just before Christmas that my Mum lost her battle with cancer years ago and so it can bring up a lot of hard memories. I also have been thinking recently how sad it is that she won't get to meet her grandchild. I just hope she is in heaven living on in some way. I think I have to believe that.

We had a nice Christmas with my husband's family this year. There isn't enough room at his parent's place and we just found it easier to stay at a hotel in town for a few nights but that worked out well. It was a lovely few days. Lots of eating! My mother in law served fish with Sauerkraut on the 24th and on the 25th we had roast duck. They don't traditionally eat turkey for Christmas like we would in Ireland. We also caught up with one of my husband's friends from his hometown which was fun.

I also had my 36th birthday! It was a quiet one, but there was yummy chocolate cake. Of course it felt special to be pregnant on my birthday after hoping and praying for so long for this. Hubby bought me a pretty rose gold bracelet and necklace with butterflies.

Week 32

Both my husband and I had some time off the days after Christmas and around New Year's. We met up with some friends but also spent a lot of time hanging out just the two of us and relaxing. Sometimes we'd stay in our pajamas till late morning when we didn't have anywhere to be. I bought Inda May's Childbirth book and I'm finding it really good so far. It's full of positive tales of how birth can be and it's nice to fill my head with those sort of stories to help me feel less nervous about the birth.

I've noticed a lot more aches and pains in general now. It's getting harder to move around and I'm much slower walking. I'm going to try to keep up going for walks when I can even if they are short and maybe go swimming a few times once I'm on my maternity leave. I also find I often wake up once or twice in the night to pee now. In general I feel more tired and get exhausted more easily, however I also have these random bursts of energy and then just feel really motivated to get stuff done! Hubby and I spent two days organizing things around the house and that felt great. Maybe it's "nesting", haha! I wish I had taken before and after pictures but we made some good progress clearing out one of the rooms in our basement.

New Year's Eve we just had a quiet evening for two! I had said to hubby that probably in the future it will be hard to go out on new year's eve with a child so now is our chance to do something if we want but he prefered to just spend it at home. Part of me felt a little like maybe we should be doing something, like going out for dinner at least but I was also happier just staying in! We made a yummy mushroom, corn and tomato cheesy pizza together, drank alcohol free prosecco and then watched the neighbourhood fireworks.

I only have one more week to work before my maternity leave starts. In Germany it's six weeks before the birth. To be honest I feel ready to stop. Although the idea of not being in the office for so long is a strange one! I'm looking forward to this time to get as much ready for the baby as possible and also catch up with friends and have time to relax. I've always been the sort of person who likes to plan things and know what I'm doing. So it seems strange to me the idea that the baby could choose to come at any moment! I hope she will stay in there until at least week 36 which is considered full term anyway but also ideally not go too far overdue past 40 weeks. I started packing my hospital bag already just in case.

One day of the Christmas holidays when we were over with my husband's family I thought I hadn't felt the baby move so much that day and started to get a little nervous. But then later that evening I felt her as usual and since then a lot. I think I'm getting used to the movement patterns. Like mornings and when I'm lying in bed I'll feel lots of kicks and often in the evenings watching tv. Or whenever I haven't moved around for awhile. She gets hiccups a lot too which is funny!

Sometimes I am reminded that this could very likely be the last time I am pregnant (since it was so hard to get to this stage in the first place and hubby and I have decided we wouldn't want to go through IVF again), and then I feel like I don't want this time to end and I'm in no rush! But at other moments I feel ready and excited to finally meet our little one. I have another doctor's appointment this week and then from now on it'll be every two weeks!

I'm a bit late posting this but Happy New Year to you all!

week 29 - birth preperation course #pregnancyDiary

This week we had the birth course morning where the partners were also invited. It took place on a Sunday and there was heavy snow that day! This time the course instructor didn't try to sell us anything which was good. At the start the men had to introduce themselves and say a bit about what they are hoping to achieve from the course. It was clear most didn't have any idea what to expect. A few said things like Ich lasse mich überraschen. Which is like, "I'm ready to be surprised".

Anyway this time the main focus was the birth which was useful. For first time mothers the instructor suggests you labour around 2-3 hours at home before going to the hospital. For second timers it's better to only wait around 1 hour. This rule doesn't apply if you have any bleeding or your water breaks. And if there is any green in the water then it is a sign the baby is in distress and you should get an ambulance and get to hospital asap. There can be a little spotting a few days before the birth starts apparently which is a sign that you shouldn't venture too far away from home at that stage such as not taking any big trips as the labour could be imminent. She was pretty against epidurals especially ones that you have for a long time as it can cause the baby to sleep and things might stall and then you could end up needing a c-section. The rate of c-sections at the hospitals here are around 20-25% percent. She said that usually c-sections are only suggested if there is risk to the baby or the mother's lives and then they are very important. Though apparently some women in Germany choose elective ones.

The course was particularly useful for the men I found though. It was good for them to hear about how to support their wives during labour. For instance not to keep asking questions but to just be helpful! And instead of saying for instance "you're not doing the breathing right", he should start doing the breathing himself and she will copy. We all practiced the breathing exercises and were given a printout of various positions for the different birth stages. I liked how there was a lot of focus on the women and how the men should be involved and active during the labour. They aren't just taxi drivers bringing their partners to the hospital she pointed out! Hearing about some things that can potentially go wrong during the birth (baby doesn't turn etc) was a bit scary but in general I am still feeling overall positive about the birth. The teacher explained a little about hypnobirth theories and how you have to breath and accept the contractions and not fight against them.

I am a member of two facebook groups for other February Mums to be. One is for Irish women (mainly living in Ireland) and the other is for women who did IVF and infertility treatments beforehand. I've definitely noticed the ladies in the latter group are especially appreciative of their pregnancies. There was a post the other day about how we just can't believe sometimes that this is happening and how grateful and lucky we feel. The other evening I was just relaxing watching tv and suddenly it hit me again that I am, please God, going to get my own baby to keep! I won't have to give her back! It was just a lovely feeling.

This week was also the third birth preparation class - an evening with just the women. I found it really informative and useful. The course covered a lot about bonding with the baby after birth and breastfeeding. The people in the class are also mixing more now too I've noticed. I suggested we set up a whatsapp group so we could meet up some time and the idea was well received. It would be a good way for me to keep up my German language skills while I'm on my parental leave.

In Germany the period after birth is known as Wochenbett (lying in/confinement). For the first six to eight weeks the mothers are encouraged to stay in bed and just focus on breastfeeding, resting and bonding with the baby while everyone else brings food and looks after them. That sounds nice! I normally get bored of lying in bed for ages though so provided I'm feeling ok I think I would try to get out for walks now and then if I can. I'll play it by ear though. Staying at home and having that time to bond with the baby also sounds lovely.

To be honest I still worry and get anxious sometimes. I read a really sad story recently about an Irish woman who had a stillborn baby at 35 weeks. And on facebook a group called "stillborn angels" popped up on the suggested groups for me! I had to keep reminding myself it was just because of some stupid programming algorithm and not a bad sign or omen. I've even looked up where Germany stands in terms of stillbirth compared to other countries. It's about 2.4 births per 1000 which is a fairly low number (though ideally there would be none at all of course). However it happened to one of my best friends in Ireland so I definitely am aware that is is more common than you might think. It's just devastating for anyone to go through. I am trying to calm myself by reminding myself that the majority of babies do arrive safely. It will be a relief though once our baby is here and everything is ok. My friends have told me that being a parent means a lot of extra worry that never really ends!

Still though, apart from occasionally being anxious about things like that, in general I am feeling good and positive. I hope everyone reading this has a lovely Christmas period and "ein guten Rutsch", a good slide into the New Year, as the Germans would say!

week 28 - welcome third trimester #pregnancyDiary

I've another doctor checkup this week. Baby's movements have felt stronger in general. This morning I put my hand on my belly and felt like a ripple underneath like she was moving from one side to the other! According to my pregnancy apps, my doctor appointments should start increasing to every two weeks when it gets closer to the end. I would say that I've been starting to feel a bit heavier and more tired in general. I also find it hard walking as far and tend to get out of breath easier. That said I'm still feeling good in general and enjoying this time.

We are going to order some new furniture for the baby room which should arrive during the Christmas holidays when we are both off. I'm really excited to get organizing the room and sort through all the clothes. Once I know exactly what we have I can see what's left for us to buy. Two of my friends are throwing me a baby shower in January/February. It will be so nice to finally get to have my own baby shower after attending so many and wondering if it would ever be my turn. I think some of the games can be a bit silly but it will be nice to get together with friends and feel the support. I'm going to invite my German mother in law too as I think she would love to be included. She really enjoyed seeing the 3d ultrasound pics from our hospital visit last week. She told me she can't stop looking at them. She's going to be such a sweet Oma (German Granny).

This is a "before" pic of the baby room now. As you can see it's pretty messy! Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to post a new pic once the new furniture has arrived and I've sorted through the stuff. We'll probably move that book shelf somewhere, and also change the leopard print duvet cover haha!

Several people have commented that my pregnancy is going very quickly for them. It's been going fairly quickly for me too actually. Well the first trimester was slow because I was just living from appointment to appointment and nervous but the second trimester has gone fast! And now I'm already in the final stretch.

Friends of us who have IVF twins gave us several boxes of nappies they never used plus various sized baby clothes, some which they had also gotten passed on to them by friends. At this stage our child probably has enough to wear and I don't even need to buy anything else for the first few months! I think it's so nice that friends seem to pass around baby clothes as from what I hear you don't get that much use of of them since kids grow so fast and saves you having to buy too much new. They even gave us two of several items, as they had bought one for each of their daughters!

You might remember I briefly mentioned having a friend who's due about two weeks after me. She's had a very stressful time lately. She caught something called the CMV virus. Many women are already immune to it but around 1% of women who aren't can catch it during pregnancy and then it could potentially cause problems with the baby such as hearing issues (in around 20% of cases)! My friend had to get lots of tests done and it was a very worrying time as you can imagine.

Luckily they were able to determine that the baby was only exposed to it after week 20 and by that stage would have much better odds of having a stronger immune system and being able to fight it. All the scans have looked great. However her baby will need to get a bunch of tests done after birth to check he wasn't affected. I'm not immune to CMV and both our doctors said it would be better for us not to meet up for the remainder of my pregnancy just in case as it's better to avoid taking any risks. It's disappointing as I would have liked to have kept seeing her! But better to be on the safe side. Once are babies are here we'll be able to meet again and in the meantime we've been keeping in touch with whatsapp. I'm also hoping to pass on some of the extra more gender neutral baby stuff to her.

After 28 week check up at doctor

Everything went well at my appointment. On top of measuring any contractions they also monitored the baby's heartbeat this time. I was attached to the machine for about 40 minutes altogether. It took the nurse several minutes to locate the heartbeat at the beginning. I was trying not to worry as I'd already felt plenty of movement that day but it was a little scary all the same. My husband was able to make the appointment this time which was nice. The big news is that the baby is already in position! At the hospital almost two weeks ago she was lying vertically but now her head is down. To me that doesn't seem very comfortable but from what I read because they are surrounded in water it's fine for babies in the womb! There's a good chance she will stay in this position until the birth so it's unlikely I'll be breech which is also great.

I hope everyone is keeping well and enjoying the Christmas season.

week 27 - last week of second trimester #pregnancyDiary

According to my app I am already in the third trimester this week. However other websites often count the beginning of the seventh month from week 28. Either way I am grateful for each day my baby keeps growing! I know a few stories of children being born preterm and it can potentially cause health issues. I've been enjoying feeling our little lady kick and move. She's particularly active at night, sometimes even keeping me awake, haha! The other evening we were watching tv and I could see an indent on my left hand side as if a foot or elbow was pressed against it and it felt hard to touch for a few seconds until it went back in again. Another two weeks until my next doctor's appointment which should hopefully include a scan! I am starting to feel a lot heavier in general and it's very nice to put my feet up at the end of the day.

Written later in the week
Well I ended up having another scare this week! To close the second trimester with a bang. I left work one evening and started having these really painful cramps on my way into town for a pregnancy massage appointment. It felt like bad period cramps but a bit higher up. At first I thought the pain was continuous, it was certainly very unpleasant but then I realized that the cramps would get worse every so often and then ease off. Sort of like I would imagine contractions to be like! There didn't seem to be much of a break in between and I started getting really anxious wondering what I should do. I called my husband and he thought I should cancel the massage and go to the hospital to get checked out (at that stage my doctor's practice was closed).

When I got to the massage appointment the pain was still there - it had been almost an hour. The masseuse who's like a holistic therapist said that it wouldn't be good to do the massage with me like this and suggested we postpone which I was glad about. So then I made my way to the hospital. Tt wasn't that far off since I was already in town. However my sense of direction has never been my strong suit and I ended up getting lost finding my way there! I tried using google maps with my GPS but it seemed like I kept walking the wrong direction. Anyway I found my way to the hospital eventually but then got lost again looking for the women and children's clinic. At that stage my husband wasn't too far away so I decided to wait for him and go in together. He also brought my "Mutterpass" with me which is the booklet they give you here when you are pregnant with all your relevant info. By the time I had reached the hospital the cramps had stopped and I felt fine again. So then at first I wondered if I was overreacting going there but then my overactive imagination started worrying that maybe the pains were a sign that the baby was in distress or choking on the umbilical cord and I started feeling really nervous!

We were sent straight to the labour ward to get checked out. The staff there were lovely. I was hooked up to a machine to measure contractions and mine and baby's heartbeat for around half an hour. Hearing the little heartbeat was reassuring. My temperature and blood pressure were also taken. We were also asked lots of questions about our medical history. It's good they have my info on file now. If you go into labour before week 36 you have to automatically go to that particular hospital. If it's later then you have a choice of other hospitals to give birth in. Next we had to wait for a doctor to analyze the results.

Eventually we were called in and I was told I'd get an ultrasound. There were two women in the room who I thought were doctors but I think now that one was probably the ultrasound technician and they must have been still in training. They asked me a series of questions and then started the scan. It was reassuring to see the baby on the screen. The ultrasound technician spent a long time looking at the baby's stomach and then she commented to the other girl in front of me (they were both quite young) that it looked like the heart and stomach were in the wrong place!! Like on the wrong side. Jeez! That's not what you want to hear. So then the other girl phoned another doctor to come down to take a look. Of course I was thinking oh my God, something is wrong with the baby at this stage and praying all would be ok! The girl then told me it's nothing serious, not to worry but of course I was anxious. She'd asked if we had had some kind of thorough scan already and I said the ones that are done at 12 and 20 weeks at the gyno. That didn't seem to be the one she meant though.

Anyway the other more experienced doctor came down and he was very friendly. He did a really thorough scan and it was clear then that he was also teaching the other girl. Like, here is the heart, here is the stomach, all perfectly normal etc. Thank God! He was really nice too, cracking jokes and just putting me at ease. We saw the baby yawn and taste the amniotic fluid! But the real highlight was when he used the 3d scanner and we got to see our baby's face. That was just incredible. She looks like a little person! It's so different from just seeing the black and white 2d images. She even had a little grin in one of the pictures.

We didn't get home until about 10.30pm that evening and we were exhausted by that stage but so relieved and delighted that all is fine and that baby is doing great. The doctors think it must have been practice contractions I had. My cervix is still closed so all is fine. I feel like a bit of a wimp though because I found those contractions really painful! I am hoping to have a natural birth without an epidural, you see. However it was probably extra uncomfortable going through the pain while sitting on the tram on my way into town. If I'd been able to get into a more comfortable position or have a bath for instance it might have been more bearable!

I only had a small snack before going to bed that night but then woke up feeling ravenous. I thought it was the morning already but when I looked at my phone it was around 2.30 in the morning! Ignoring the hunger wasn't working so I got up and made myself a quick bowl of porridge. Poor hubby got worried when he noticed I'd left the room but I told him everything was fine, I just had to feed the baby! I'll have to try to make sure I eat enough in the evenings before bed. Getting up in the middle of the night didn't bother me at all as I was still feeling so relieved that everything is fine with our little one. The next day I was extra tired in work though! So sort of a dramatic week but thankfully things progressing as they should. Hopefully the next few weeks will be calmer!

Weeks 25 - 26 first birth preparation class and a trip to Dublin #pregnancyDiary

Week 25

Not much to report really for this week.

• The weather has been pretty miserable here. Dark, cold and rainy. Feels like winter already
• Work has still been crazy busy
• A lot of my healthy eating habits have gone out the window lately. Hoping to get back on track soon

This week was my first birth preparation class, called Geburtsvorbereitungskurs here. In Germany your health insurance covers the course and you just have to pay the fee for your partner. All the classes at the hospital were already booked out when I looked into signing up at 16 weeks but I managed to find a course locally held by the Chinese lady I did acupuncture with before. Even though my experience hadn't been great and I don't think acupuncture is for me I've heard her classes are good and she had a place available. The course she offers has two evenings with just the women and then two weekend mornings with partners. I had heard that the birth preparation classes can be a good way to make friends so I was hoping that might be the case.

The instructions were to dress comfortably so I wore black maternity tracksuit bottoms which sort of passed for work trousers (I think!) with a long top. There were about ten of us in the class and we sat in a circle on mats on the floor with cushions for our backs. It felt a bit strange for me to be part of this pregnancy club now after all the years we had been struggling with infertility. We had to go around and introduce ourselves. Three of the women are on their second or third babies but the majority of us are pregnant with our first child. I wondered about whether anyone else there might be having an IVF baby too, or have had difficulty but no one mentioned it and I didn't either. Maybe at a later point if the opportunity arises.

The due dates range from December to March. We learnt about what happens to your body during the nine months and birth, discussed pregnancy symptoms, the hospitals in our town in terms of advantages and disadvantages then general newborn care and breastfeeding. Some stuff was interesting but other things I knew already. The end of the class was spent trying to sell us things which I didn't like though! The Hebamme who gives the classes clearly has some sort of agreement with another lady who sells baby stuff and she came over to show us the things. I already have plenty of baby clothes and blankets so didn't really like having to spend 40 minutes looking at more stuff. The things seemed expensive too. Like 50€ for a snow suit or 37€ for a babygrow. At that stage I was tired and hungry as I'd gone to the class straight after work.

Anyway, the other girls in the course seem nice but everyone was a little shy and no one was exchanging numbers or suggesting meet ups. Hopefully at a later stage we could set up a whatsapp group or something. It would be nice to have some people to meet up with once the baby comes and to keep my German up while I'm out of the office! One of my other pals here who's american commented that she has a group of friends with babies around the same age as hers and they often go for play dates together. She mentioned that she feels more integrated living here now she has German friends.

I've also started having braxton hicks or practice contractions I think! I noticed an uncomfortable feeling around my pelvis area and cramps for the first 20 minutes of the birth course and then the next day in the late morning. I did start to worry a little about pre term labour but the pains weren't so bad and after asking some other women in my facebook group, apparently if it were real contractions I wouldn't be able to talk or do anything else during them! Off to Ireland tomorrow.

Week 26

Overall I had a nice trip to Dublin. I got a chance to meet most people again and now I'm ready to stay put in Germany to prepare for the baby as I get into the third trimester. There were some lovely moments catching up with friends and everyone has been so supportive and happy for us which has been really lovely. My aunt commented that we shouldn't buy too many pink things in case the doctors get it wrong and we end up having a boy! My doctor did say he is 100% sure of the sex so I think it should be fine. I agree with the sentiment that baby girls shouldn't just be put into pink clothes and I do plan to buy a mixture of colours. However I'm a feminist who also likes wearing pink so I don't think there is anything wrong with it personally! I guess I would avoid slogans that just say things like "princess" though. It was strange saying goodbye to people thinking the next time I will see them I will have a young baby with me, please God! We plan to fly over to Ireland next Summer.

Something really awful and unexpected happened while I was in Ireland though. The younger sister of a good friend of mine died unexpectedly. The poor family are devastated and it is just a nightmare. Depression is an awful illness that takes far too many young lives. I was glad that I was home and was able to visit my friend. My heart aches for her and her family. I clearly remember almost 13 years ago when my Mum died and what a horrible time it was. This has actually been the third tragedy under various circumstances involving someone in their 30s who our family knew since the start of this year. Of course death is always terrible, but there is something even worse about it when it is a young person with so much life ahead I think. Things like this just remind you all the more how short and precious life is.

In terms of the pregnancy and travelling, I didn't experience any complications flying and wasn't even asked to show the letter my doctor had given me saying I was safe to fly. I'm glad I made the trip over.

week 24 - viability milestone #pregnancyDiary

Week 24 is a bit of a milestone. This is the earliest that a baby could possibly survive if he/she were born already. The statistics improve for every extra week they stay in the womb. So it goes form odds of only around 40% at this week to around 90% by week 30. It's great to have reached this stage.

At the weekend we had to run some errands. Since we do car sharing it makes sense to rent the car for something like four hours then try to get everything done at once. It can be a bit of a rush though! We brought some garden waste to the dump, went to the hardware store to pick up some things, then went to a furniture shop and finally to the supermarket for groceries. It was Saturday morning so everywhere seemed to have traffic and long queues. It was good to get stuff done but exhausting. I felt a little faint at one stage at the hardware shop so once we got to the furniture place we went to the cafe for a snack. Once we got home and had unpacked the stuff we had to prepare lunch before finally we were able to put our feet up and relax.

On the way back in the car it suddenly hit me that next year we will have a baby and everything will change. Planning a trip like that would have a whole other dimension added as presumably we'd have to think about bringing a nappy changing bag, be aware of naps and feeding times, use a car seat and have a buggy or carrier. Of course I have often been daydreaming and imagining how things will be with a baby but the huge responsibility of it just struck me all of a sudden! This isn't going to be something we'll be doing for just a few weeks, our lives will be changed forever. I'm not saying I'm not ready and I don't want this completely. It was just a moment of thinking of how much our lives will be different next year!

I've had friends in the past say to me that after they had their kids they had to mourn their old lives - being able to do things spontaneously for instance. As someone going through infertility I didn't have that much sympathy since I was more than ready to give up a lot of my freedoms, though I would try to understand. Of course whenever I picture our lives with a kid I imagine a well behaved easy one. I'm not daydreaming about being thrown up on or having to look after a screaming baby, haha! We'll figure it out though. Hubby and I will make a good team, I hope. I've been reading lots of articles about parenting so I do think I'm somewhat prepared. My birth preparation course starts next week. Hopefully we'll be shown how to change a nappy and bathe a baby, practical stuff like that but if not the Hebamme who will come over after the birth should help us. It's nice to have a few more months to prepare for baby's arrival.

A few days ago I went to the general doctor to get the flu vaccine. My arm was a little sore for a few days after but otherwise no side effects. She commented again how happy she is for me and also that I seemed much less anxious compared to the last time I was there. I had gone to her with my bad cold and cough and asked if I could also be tested for listeria while I was there as I'd worried I'd picked it up by eating some smoked salmon. She had looked at me at the time like I was a little crazy and told me if I had listeria I would have symptoms and it's really unlikely to get it. These days I don't freak out as much about little things.

I had another doctor's appointment this week. This time there was no ultrasound unfortunately. But it's ok, I've been feeling the baby move a lot now so I'm not as anxious to see what's going on in there! Everything was good. He commented that my cervix is "very nice", haha! I had to drink the sweet drink and get my blood taken an hour later to check my glucose levels. I got the results after a few days and they were fine thankfully. The doctor told me I can stop taking the baby aspirin tablets now. He thinks that might also help against my frequent nose bleeds. He wrote a letter for me to bring to the airport when I fly next week just in case it's needed. Hubby wasn't able to come with me and he'll have to miss the next appointment in a month's time too sadly, but the one after in January he'll be able to make. I've been feeling really grateful today that this has been such a smooth pregnancy overall. Hoping it continues to be so!

week 23 - no news is good news #pregnancyDiary

My job has been quite stressful lately. Some people left and now there is a lot more work for the rest of us until they find and hire replacements which will probably take months. I've had to do a fair bit of overtime recently too. At least, this was a short week at work which was nice. Baden wurttemberg had two public holidays in a row this year, October 31st and Nov 1st. Hubby and I had a lot of relaxation time. Not much else to report lately. We binge watched the new season of Stranger Things which was really good. I've been catching up on my reading.

The most annoying pregnancy symptom at the moment is probably the heartburn. I tend to get it really bad most evenings. It feel like my throat is on fire! I've been managing quite well with antiacid tablets though. As I mentioned before we already have gotten quite a lot for the baby. Mostly things were given to us by friends who don't need them anymore and we also picked up some stuff second hand. We plan to buy a chest of drawers to put all the clothes and blankets in. We also have to get the cot still. I love the idea of the ones which attach next to the parents' bed to make feeding easier and so the baby is close to you but also in their own space to avoid the danger of SIDS. I've been picking up lots of tips from talking to friends so I think I'm starting to get a pretty good idea of what life could be like with a newborn.

I did feel a little uncomfortable at first with us getting so much baby stuff already as if it were up to me I would have waited longer to start preparing. In Ireland traditionally people are very suspicious about buying things for a child before he or she is born! My parents' generation were like that and some people still are. Things have change massively in recent years though. On a facebook group I'm in for Irish women due the same month as me I noticed that most of the woman had already gotten loads of stuff by this stage. I decided that I don't want to wait until the baby is here to start getting everything- that would be totally stressful! I'd rather be prepared. Also I think at this stage in the pregnancy it is ok to feel relatively secure that everything will be fine. So we are going to continue to prepare and aim to have most things ready by January.

Since the 20 week scan I've also started feeling a lot more relaxed about the pregnancy in general. I'm not as anxious anymore. I've been letting myself believe that we will have a baby and just feeling happy and excited! I've also started to feel more relaxed about things in general, not being as anxious that any little thing I do could negatively affect the baby. I've even introduced some gluten into my diet again. I had quit it as I'd read undiagnosed gluten intolerance was frequent among women with unexplained infertility and it had also been giving me some digestive issues. I find now though that eating it occasionally seems to be ok. I've also been eating dairy which I'd cut out during the past IVF cycle. I was craving it a lot (particularly cheese!) and thought I should have some in case my body is missing the calcium or protein. I try to go for the low lactose options of course though as I still have a lactose intolerance. At first I wondered if I was becoming too relaxed- basically worrying about whether I'm not worrying enough! However I realised how silly that sounded and also decided that me feeling less stressed and more happy has to be a good thing for the baby.

Life can be hard, there's no doubt about that. There are plenty of times when things are awful and there probably will be in the future unfortunately, so when things ARE going well why not let yourself be happy? I'm not going to worry about "jinxing" it but will allow myself enjoy this special time. So that's been my attitude lately! I've been spending some quality moments with hubby, catching up with friends, and having daydreams about the future when we will be a family of three.

week 22 - being social #pregnancyDiary

This week since I've been feeling good I arranged several meet ups with friends. Since most of the people I know here already have kids, a few have kindly given us lots of their old baby clothes and various items. One friend brought over three bags full of little girls clothes! I'm delighted to get all the stuff, certainly all the various baby paraphernalia can be really expensive, but I also really want to buy some things for our child too. At the weekend we took a trip to a baby shop and had a look around. It was all very overwhelming to be honest! There are so many potential things to get. I'd like to try to be a bit of a minimalist parent and only buy things that we'll actually use.

I've still been getting pretty bad heartburn these days, nosebleeds and leg cramps. Also I've noticed I often wake up early but then can't get back asleep. Those are my only real "complaints" at the moment and none of those are that bad. I've been lucky that the second trimester has been fairly smooth sailing and I'm grateful for that.

I had no idea that buggies cost so much! You are talking 800€ plus for the nicer ones. And even though we don't own a car we occasionally rent one so it could make sense to buy a baby seat. Those are 100-300€ and only for the first year. From age one to three you need to get another one. I certainly don't want to buy stuff we don't need so I'm trying to work out which items we will actually use and which aren't necessary. For instance, instead of paying several hundred on a special changing table, I'm thinking of using the top of a chest of drawers. There are some markets here where they sell used items so it might be worth checking them out for certain items. In Germany when you cycle a lot with kids you can buy an attachment for your bike. Very handy though these can cost around a thousand!

We will need to apply for the play schools here before the baby even arrives apparently as they really do get booked out fast. You need to fill out a form and register for your favourite seven then also go to them in person, plus it helps if you know someone. There's one place which has a good reputation and both English and German are spoken which would be ideal.

Only two more weeks till I reach viability stage! How cool is that? So I have decided to go to Ireland one more time before the baby arrives. I know we had decided earlier on in the pregnancy that I wouldn't travel anymore but that was when we were still feeling a lot more insecure about everything. At this stage we are both feeling more confident and I've been a bit homesick lately. This will be my last chance to go back during the second trimester and then I won't travel anymore in the third trimester.

The flights aren't so expensive this time of year and it will be nice to go back home for a few days. Hubby won't be able to come with me unfortunately. I'm going to travel light, just a carry on. It will be fun to spend a few days with family and friends. I think that ideally people shouldn't travel in the first or last trimester but the middle seems like a good time. It's only a short flight to Ireland anyway. I have another check up at my doctor in two weeks and then once I'd get back from the Ireland trip my next appointment would only be two weeks later. Obviously if I have any issues while away or after the trip I would go straight to doctor/hospital. But lately everything has been going great with the pregnancy, no issues. I'll just try to make sure to take it easy during my visit. There have been times when I've felt like I needed another holiday after a visit home as I'd be so busy going here there and everywhere trying to fit in meet ups with everyone!

I recently got a new passport - my first one with my married name. It was relatively simple - it just involved filling out a form and sending it to the Irish embassy in Berlin with photos. I had to get my signature witnessed but luckily I had a friend who fit the criteria and had the stamp so it was all fine. I'm not that happy with my new photo though, I look extremely serious and a little grumpy! That's just my resting face I guess, haha. Oh well, I doubt many people have a great passport photo.

week 21 - gender reveal #pregnancyDiary

This week started off with my appointment at the gyno for a checkup. It had been five weeks since my last one! My mother in law came with me and it worked out well, she kept me company and loved getting to see her first grandchild. Everything went great. The doctor took various measurements and didn't see any issues. I had thought the scan would be even longer though. I'd been told the 20 week one takes ages but mine only lasted around 15 minutes (my friend told me hers had gone on for an hour!). I had kind of been hoping to see the face more but you can't really make out anything. The doctor said we could pay extra for a 3d scan at a different clinic after 24 weeks so we'd consider getting that done. However I spoke to another friend who told me the 3d scan isn't that great, it can be hard to get a good image if the baby is facing the placenta.

The great news is that the doctor was able to tell me the gender this time! My gut feeling was right, it is most likely a GIRL!! I'm thrilled. That's not to say I wouldn't have been equally delighted to be having a son, I just have had this feeling it was going to be a girl since I got pregnant and it's really nice having it confirmed. After our appointment I went into the shops with the aim of buying something for the baby to surprise my husband with. When I was in the shop, it suddenly occurred to me that this was the first time I was buying something for OUR child. There have been so many times in the past where I've gone to the baby section to buy presents for friends' kids and quite often ended up getting emotional thinking it might never happen for us. It took me ages to pick out something as it felt like such a significant moment!

I had been planning to get something pink but I didn't particularly like the things they had. However I found a cute peach and white stripped babygrow for a newborn and I picked some little white socks as well. Later at home I wrapped the items in pink ribbon and put them in a present. I wrote "Daddy / Papa" on the front. It felt like it took ages for my husband to get home from work that day. Both his Mum and I were really excited to find out his reaction. As soon as he arrived I called him into the sitting room and gave him the present. His Mum was ready with the camera. As he was opening it I started crying! I hadn't meant to, I just got overcome by the moment. He was really happy and we hugged. He got a little emotional too! Probably from seeing me tearing up. It was such a special moment. His Mum got some nice pictures too. Google turned them into a little Gif video and it is really cute. I skyped my family after and told them the news and they were all delighted for us too. And then I messaged some close friends. It was such a happy day!

This morning hubby and I discussed some names. We currently have two favourites. Both have Irish origins but we would use the international spelling. We also went into the future baby's room and discussed how we would organize it. I showed him the "Wish" book I bought and started crying once I read it. It is a story about a much wanted baby and the parents' journey to get there. I can still remember the heartbreak we went through before now and I'm so grateful and amazed to be 21 weeks pregnant right now with a healthy baby. We also looked at the children's books he had bought from his trip. It was such a nice time thinking about the future. I couldn't be happier!

My mother in law commented that four months seems ages away and she can't wait. I can wait though. It's not that I'm not really excited to meet our baby, which I am, but I am also enjoying this time. Having my child growing inside me is special and it's nice to have these months to think about the future and plan. I've been reading books on childbirth and life with a newborn. In another month I'll be starting the third trimester already which seems mad!

A friend from my book club very kindly dropped off her old maternity outfits to me plus a heap of baby clothes her kids have grown out of! Newborn stuff are so tiny, like outfits for a doll. So cute! I hope I'm not jinxing things by already getting stuff for the baby. I still have four months to go after all. But other girls on my due in Feb facebook group already started buying things weeks ago. PEople aren't as superstitious as they used to be in the old days.

And the other news this week was that I met my Hebamme (Someone in Germany who visits you and the new baby) finally! She's nice, made a good impression. However, very alternative! I think most of them are like that. For instance, I mentioned getting the flue vaccine and she said that she would never get the flu vaccine as it's putting toxins/poisons into your body. She also didn't like how many ultrasounds I've had already as she said they heat the placenta and babies don't like them as they are so loud. I have heard those theories before but I don't think it's so bad every few weeks. They offer some classes at the centre she works at such as pregnancy gymnastics. Not sure what's involved there but I might try it out sometime. The other class they have is a mediation/relaxation one which sounds nice.

The Hebamme also asked if I'm anxious when she heard that this is an IVF pregnancy. I said I have been but it's gotten a lot better. I think I've been managing the anxiety quite well in general. She basically said I have to stop myself from worrying as it's not good for the baby. I didn't like that advice as now I'll just worry that my worrying is harmful for the baby! I would have preferred if she had told me everything will be fine. I do think the baby has some awareness of the mother's feelings as your heartbeat would be slower when relaxed and stress releases the hormone cortisone whereas the happiness hormone is oxytocin. However I found some of her theories a little too far fetched for me. At the meditation class they offer for instance, you basically talk to the baby and teach them how to be born according to her! I can't believe that the baby can hear my thoughts. However I'll still go to that class and try it out. Might be a way to make some new friends.

Overall it's been a good week. I'm still just incredibly delighted that I'm carrying our child. This week hubby even got to feel a few kicks too! I notice the baby randomly but often in the evenings. Like really active for a few minutes then quiet again. It's always a nice reassurance when I feel her moving about.

Week 20 - halfway there #pregnacyDiary

This morning my husband texted me while I was at work to tell me he was reading about week 20 and the baby is now the size of a large banana! I'm finding it really sweet how involved he is being because I know some men don't really bond so much with the baby until after they are born whereas as a woman you have nine months of the connection. He even brought a little present for the baby back from his work trip - two children's books. Our baby got a second present this week too! One of my mother in law's friends knitted little booties and a blanket. So thoughtful and nice. It's mad to think I'm halfway through the pregnancy now! Actually the last few weeks have gone quite quickly. I'm excited for my next scan which is coming up soon!

I've come down with a bad cold the past few days. It started with just a runny nose and feeling a bit run down but now I've also got a horrible sounding cough making it hard to sleep at night when I have a coughing fit. I've been trying to rest up as much as I can and drinking hot teas. Hubby was worried it might develop into a chest infection or pneumonia so I went to the regular doctor after work. It was nice telling the doctor our happy news as she knew we'd been trying. I guess I told a lot of people! She said she'd rather not prescribe me anything as it will probably get better by itself, which is fine by me. She wrote me off sick for the rest of the week. Even though I've been feeling miserable with this cold (it's the worst one I've had in a long time!), I still feel guilty about having to miss work. There have been a lot of projects and deadlines lately- plus stress to be honest. I feel a bit like I'm letting people down but I have to put me and the baby first right now.

I also got some unexpected good news a few days ago. I have more holidays to use up before my maternity leave starts than I'd realised. 14 days instead of the 6 I'd thought I had basically. I'll barely be working at all really between now and mid January at this rate (due date towards the end of Feb)! In Germany your maternity leave starts six weeks before the birth. What do women normally do then I wonder? Meet up with other friends who aren't working? Cook and freeze lots of meals for when the baby arrives? Decorate the nursery? Relax? Read up on childbirth and parenting? My sister got me a book about baby development and I've been enjoying reading about it.

I think I'm definitely feeling some movement now which is great! When I place my hand below my belly button while sitting down, I notice something now and then. Sometimes it's almost like a little tap against my hand which could be a kick. Other times it's it's sort of like a vibration or muscle spasm in my stomach basically. I've started to recognize the feeling.

Of course this could still be gas, but I like to think it's the beginnings of starting to really feel the baby and it should just get stronger from now on! While watching tv last night there were two times where I definitely felt something for a second. Then today at my computer again. That must be the baby! I'm excited for when hubby will be able to place his hand on my belly and feel the baby move too. Not much else to report, my next doctor's appointment is soon and then we should hopefully find out the gender too!

week 19 - a scare and a family visit #pregnancyDiary

The pain which I thought was round ligament pain came back and I had it for several days. I asked some friends again about what they had felt and looked at my facebook group and most seemed to describe something pretty similar to what I was feeling. It was particularly bad one day though so I decided to text my Hebamme and ask her about it. She said that the pain from the round ligaments is normally in the lower pelvis area not near the hip as I'd mentioned. At that stage I started getting worried. I didn't want to waste the doctor's time, however I also didn't want to wait another two weeks till the next scan and be worrying about it so the next day I got to his practice at 8am when it opened and mentioned the pains. I ended up having to wait about an hour since I didn't have an appointment.

What I thought would happen.
I expected to describe the pain and for the doctor to reassure me that it was normal pregnancy pain and then to go about my merry way.

What actually happened.
The doctor was concerned as the area I was having the pain is near my appendix. He also saw some fluid on the screen that he couldn't explain near my intestines. He said he would try to get me an appointment at a specialist immediately to get it checked out. The other doctor was nearby and I was able to get seen to quickly luckily. I was starting to feel very nervous about what was going on at that stage. Hubby was still away so I was just phoning him to tell him what was going on. The other doctor didn't think it was appendicitis but he couldn't rule it out. He advised me that if the pain got worse I should go to the hospital immediately! He saw the mass of fluid on my right hand side and he didn't know what it was. He told me to come back the next day for another appointment. In the meantime he took my blood to be sent to the lab to check for any signs of infection.

The rest of the day I couldn't help but worry. Like I mentioned earlier, hubby was away so I was dealing with all this on my own. I was whatsapping family and close friends from home to let them know what was going on and my mother in law was also calling me. She was getting really anxious and I felt like I had to be strong and try to reassure her! She said she would come immediately if I ended up having to go to hospital (she lives in a different town). Luckily the pain didn't get any worse. Trying to google what the fluid mass could be was a bad idea as I started seeing results about tumours and freaking out about cancer! I'd read a story recently about a pregnant woman who got cancer and had to choose between getting chemo to save herself or not and saving the baby. I don't know how people handle decisions like that! I was also thinking that I don't want to have to go to the hospital to get scary tests done, especially on my own. A normal boring day in the office had never sounded so appealing to me!

That night I managed to sleep for several hours but I woke up then feeling really worried about it all. I packed an overnight bag on the advice of a doctor friend just in case I'd be sent to the hospital after my appointment. There was a long wait at the practice. Finally I got in and he asked how I was feeling. Nervous I said! The pain was the same. My blood test results had come back only showing a slight infection elevation which could just be from a cold. That was good news as if I had appendicitis the results would have looked worse. The doctor did a scan and after several agonizing minutes said that I had an intestinal partial blockage. That's what's been causing the pain. I should massage my tummy clockwise to help digestion and eat simple meals over the next few days. Pregnancy pushes the intestine up into a smaller space often leading to digestion issues. My previous adhesions from surgeries are probably not helping things either.

I was told to come back after several days for another appointment but for the time being all was fine. I didn't have to go to hospital that day which was a relief! Of course he mentioned again that if my pain gets worse I should go straight in and he gave me a printout of my blood test but for now I was able to go back to work. I'm relieved it's not a tumour or something serious! That said if I do end up getting a full intestine blockage that would be a dangerous situation requiring surgery. So I am a little worried about that possibility at some point especially as the pregnancy progresses. For now I'll keep up with the tummy massages to help digestion and watch what I eat.

Update:

So at the end of the week I had my third appointment at the doctor for a checkup. He could still see the strange fluid on the screen. I tried to ask more questions this time. The fluid is in my small intestine he says. I also have a lot of air in my intestine which will cause cramps. He said I can eat normally now though still try to avoid food with a lot of "air" such as beans and cauliflower. And then come back in two weeks for another check up and at that stage he'll test my blood for signs of infection again. The pains I was getting have improved significantly recently thankfully. So it looks like for the moment everything is fine and I can breath a sigh of relief!

While I was going through the scare it was also harder as I was on my own. Hubby was away with work. Now he's back and it's been really nice. Also my Dad and sister came over to visit me! They stayed for four days and it was just perfect. They even got quite nice sunny autumn weather while they were here. We went to a pumpkin festival in Ludwigsburg and there was even a wedding fair on that day which we checked out for my sis in case it gave her any ideas.

Another day the weather was warm so we went to the pool for a spa day. I avoided the sauna but enjoyed swimming! We also took my family to some of our favourite restaurants and they had some good meals. It was sad saying goodbye though as I won't be flying to ireland again until the baby is here and a few months old, so it'll be my longest stretch not going back "home". It's great these days with skype, whatsapp and google hangout though, you don't feel as far away as you did in the past.

So the week started off scary with the pains and doctor visits but ended really lovely enjoying some family time. Here are some pictures from our day at Ludwigsburg exploring the castle grounds and pumpkin festival. If you are ever in the area it's worth checking out. The festival takes place every year around September and October.