Weeks 10 - 12 #pregnancyDiary

Week 10 thoughts

This morning I had my ten week appointment at the doctor. It was early so hubby was able to come by for most of it before going to work. I was finally given the elusive Mutterpass (translation: mother passport), which is a booklet pregnant women in Germany get which contains all their relevant information for doctors. This has been categorized as a "high risk" pregnancy due to it being IVF and my 'geriatric' age of 35. That's a joke by the way. 35 is the new 25 don't you know? Anyway, the doctor spoke to us about pregnancy in general, what to avoid doing, what's ok. A lot of stuff I already knew. Some things which are relevant to how things are done in Germany, I didn't. For instance there's an optional test for Toxoplasmosis which health insurance here doesn't cover. It only cost something like 30€ though so I asked to get it done.

Regarding gene defects the doctor said, because I'm 35, the health insurance would pay for an amniotic fluid sample to be taken around week 14 or 16, can't remember now. However he advises against it as it carries risks. He even said that you can end up with a 'dead baby' that could have been perfectly healthy. He certainly doesn't mince his words! I'll be avoiding that test for sure, not taking any unnecessary risks. There is a blood test and based on that plus other factors (my age) will assess the risk of the baby having any gene defects. If it comes back as high risk, such as 1 in 50 then we could consider whether to get another blood check done (this is called the harmony test) which wouldn't be covered by insurance and costs around 450€. The doctor wasn't going to give me a scan at all today as I'd had one recently when I had the scare but I asked nicely! Well I said it would be great just to make sure everything is still ok. Unfortunately hubby had left at that stage as he had to get to work so he didn't get to see it. This time the baby didn't just look like a blob like last time haha! It was great, I could see the tiny little hands and feet moving around!

Oh man, I have so much love for the little baby! I wonder if it will be a boy or a girl. I guess I would have a slight preference for a girl, but honestly either is great! I think hubby prefers the idea of a boy but I also know he would be a great Dad to a daugher. We would like to find out. I'm not sure whether we would tell everyone else or not. Though probably we'd find it hard to keep a secret! I'm delighted to have gotten to the ten week mark. It's definitely starting to feel like a strong pregnancy now!

From around week six I did notice some very mild nausea but not bad at all. Since week nine though it got a lot worse! I also started having a lot more food aversions. The best way to help against the nausea has generally been to eat something pronto, although eating while feeling queasy isn't that pleasant, and it has been hard to figure out what I even feel like eating. Several times I've gagged but not thrown up, but I did end up having to get sick once after brushing my teeth. I've also gone off avocados which I used to love, I hate the idea of fish at the moment plus the dairy free vegan yogurt and ice cream I used to eat a lot of (it's made from a lupine plant) doesn't appeal to me at all anymore. The best food I've found is popcorn! So I end up snacking all day long basically to try to keep the nausea at bay which means I only have an appetite for small portions at meal times. Anyway, overall it is manageable. Being in the office has been a bit challenging as I just get so tired in the afternoons but hopefully it'll be better in a few weeks.

I'm planning to tell my boss and HR manager once I get to the 12 week mark if everything goes well at my check up. I googled something like "when to tell your work you're pregnant" and the first result said not to tell till weeks 16-20 at the earliest and then talk about all the great projects you did recently! I thought, wow, that must have come from a US site. No offense meant to any of my friends from the US. The article basically gave the underlying impression that your job is at risk if you are pregnant. I looked up some German sites and the message there was to tell your work at 12 weeks and the health of you baby has priority. There are lots of great laws here to protect pregnant women in the workplace. For instance you are not allowed to work more than 8.5 hours per day or be expected to carry heavy things or to be on your feet for more than four hours.

The doctors here have no problem giving pregnant ladies sick leave when needed. Sure, there may be women who abuse that for instance I have heard of one who got pregnant and didn't feel like working anymore and asked to be written off for all nine months, but in general that's not common and I think it's great here how the emphasis is placed on keeping you and baby healthy. Your boss is also not allowed fire you until at least four months after you've had given birth. And in Germany there is 14 months parental leave which you can share with your partner. Anyway, there are a lot of benefits to working in Germany! That's not to say that sexism in the workplace doesn't exist here, that's a topic for another day but there is good support for employees. Even when I do tell my boss and HR, I will still tell them that I would like to keep this pregnancy discreet. I would prefer to wait another month or so before other colleagues find out. I'm not sure how feasible that is since people can gossip and maybe I'll start showing at that stage. Right now I'm just really bloated but I think I have the beginning of a tiny bump too! Under all the bloat that is.

I had to phone the immune doctor to ask why my new treatment plan hadn't arrived yet. Turned out it hadn't even been sent! The receptionist sounded embarrassed and said she would remind the doctor and asked if I'd like her to scan the documents and send them by email to me first. I can see why this particular doctor gets such bad reviews, the main complaint seems to be that people are fed up with how slow everything takes! Anyway once the email arrived I had a look. Most things were clear and expected, it gave details on how to reduce the steroids and Granocyte injections. The baby aspirin tablets I'm meant to keep taking until at least week 24. This seems long to me but it's not such a big deal, just taking the tablets so whatever. Two things bothered me. Firstly it said that I have to get my blood checked again to look at the natural killer cell levels. If they are too high still then I would need to keep getting the Intralipid infusions for longer. That is such a pain. I'm so ready to be done with the intralipid infusions! Also I only have one bottle of the stuff left. They only sell it in boxes of ten and it costs about 200€ altogether then about 50€ per doctor visit to administer it not to mention the time it all takes. And the second thing was that it recommended I get a pre eclampsia test at week 13 since I am higher risk due to my missing KIR genes apparently.

I got a little upset about the email. As I was saying to hubby, I just want to have a normal pregnancy like most women and not to be so highly medicated and high risk and have all this extra stress! The thing about all the extra immune stuff is I don't know for sure if it is the reason this IVF and pregnancy is working or not. It could be the thing that made it work or maybe it would have worked anyway. I'll never know for sure. Obviously on the off chance that the Intralipids, granocyte, steroids and baby aspirin are the magic ingredients keeping the pregnancy going, then of course I'm going to keep them up! Anyway a while later I felt better. Getting the preeclampsia test shouldn't be a big deal. I'll show my doctor the letter from the immune doctor and even though preeclampsia itself sounds scary as long as the doctors catch it in time, it would be fine. And the fact that I have to send my blood off to get tested again is a pain but I'll just do it and hopefully the results will show everything is ok and I can stop the Intralipids finally.

My usual gyno is away on holidays for the month of August which was has been awkward. There are two doctors' practices that are helping out. Both aren't that handy to get to from where I live. I phoned them and neither had heard of Intralipids or wanted anything to do with them. It's not an easy thing to explain in German! So neither practice will give me the 12 week intralipid. I phoned the fertility clinic and they agreed to give me the 12 week one no problem so that's great but like I mentioned before it is really far from where I live. I'm going to have to talk a half day off work. The intralipid will be administered by dr. Peppy though, and I'm looking forward to seeing her again!


Week 11 thoughts

It feels like a long wait till the twelve week scan. I've been trying to think positively though and not let myself get too carried away with worries. At ten weeks I realised I am already one quarter of the way through the pregnancy which is a crazy idea! I have also been thinking recently about how lucky we are. I came across some statistics for IVF and the odds of it leading to a take home baby are really surprisingly low in general. It's still early for me and I don't want to count my chickens before they have hatched, but I am so grateful to have gotten this far. This was our 7th embryo. Six other perfectly good embryos were placed inside me over the past two years. One took for a few weeks but sadly wasn't to be and the rest just didn't implant at all for whatever reason. What made the 7th embryo implant and keep growing into a tiny human I have no idea! I wish IVF would work for everyone though. This is most likely going to be my last pregnancy too. Provided it works. I have no idea what we would do if the worst happens. Hubby and I both agreed we wouldn't want to go through IVF again. For many reasons. We have both accepted the fact that we will most likely just end up with one child and we have come to terms with that. Only children are very loved and I have no doubts that our single boy or girl will be happy!

I have a pregnancy app on my phone. It was fun to read today that the baby is the size of a fig now! On my gyno's advice I went for a teeth cleaning at the dentist. I actually always dread it a bit. I was scared of going to the dentist when I was a kid. It's gotten a lot better as I've gotten older but I still don't particularly like the experience. I hate all the noises in the dentist office, like the drill, ah! Anyway the teeth cleaning is normally not too bad just mainly uncomfortable and long. I have sensitive teeth too so some bits like when cold air is blasted on my gums is very unpleasant. But anyway it went fine. And I reminded myself that I'm doing it for a baby. Thinking about the little one moving around in there and growing is a really nice thought. This morning I also feel fine, not nauseous at all! Of course then I started to worry that it could be a bad sign but I googled it a bit and some women's pregnancy symptoms can start to ease off in week 11, so it's probably just that. A lot of women on the forums mentioned their nausea came and went a bit too. Like they'd have a good few days and bad few days again. According to my pregnancy app, you don't look pregnant at this stage just bloated and as if "you've had too much to eat" haha! If I pull in my bloated tummy I think I can still see a tiny bump. Otherwise I haven't noticed any other body changes really. Instead of my hair getting glossier, it's gotten frizzier. I think I'll need to use the de-frizz serum more often!

Week 12 thoughts

Before my appointment I felt a little nervous but not too bad, I had a good feeling that things would be ok. This time we went to a different doctor as my usual one is on holidays and this one was standing in for his patients. I had to do a pee test, have my blood pressure checked and get weighed. Then we went into the room to wait for the doctor. Once he arrived he asked what he can do for us today. I said, well I'm here for my 12 week scan! He looked at my Mutter pass and asked some questions about the pregnancy. I got another prescription for my thyroid meds. I asked about the pre eclampsia test which the immune doctor recommends. He said it's too soon and I can get it done at my next appointment.

He asked about whether we had done the first trimester screening (where they check for gene defects). We said we had done a blood test but then our doctor went on holidays and we hadn't gotten the results. He explained that the blood test alone doesn't mean anything without measuring the baby's neck which hadn't done as far as I'm aware. So that was annoying. The substitute doctor said he would take measurements today. We'll have to wait two weeks till our doctor is back from holidays to ask about the blood test results though. We asked this doctor his thoughts on flying to Ireland around six months and he said it's absolutely fine so that was nice to hear since my usual gyno is against flying altogether. We are still considering whether we might go to Ireland for a week around November.

Anyway then I had the scan. This doctor was a lot more thorough which was great! He showed us the baby, commenting on how great everything looked then proceeded to point out things like the spine and brain. At one stage he said something like "do you see that black dot there?" in a serious voice and in my head I thought, "oh God, is it a heart defect?" but then he said, "it's the baby stomach"! Then he showed the kidneys. He made a joke at one stage about the baby being a girl because she's so "sensitive" (eye roll) but then he said you can't actually tell yet, it's too soon. We'd like to find out the gender but I'm not in a huge rush, I can wait until the next scan. He measured the neck and said it was 1.5mm which is good, they want anything under 3.5mm. That shows a 70% odds of the baby not having down syndrome. You need to look at the blood test results too in order to say with 90% certainty. At one stage he commented that the neck was a little schrag which means crooked or bent! That made me worry as you can imagine. He said that the baby was in an awkward position and sleeping and he would try to wake the baby up to get a better look at the neck. He then proceeded to tap on my stomach! Then we all saw the baby start to move around! It was incredible. He said at that age they sleep every half hour. I felt protective of the baby already and didn't like him disturbing him or her. But I also wanted to get the measurements to make sure everything is ok.

Once baby was in a better position he measured the neck again and it was fine so that was a relief. He/She was also measuring perfectly for 12 weeks. Then baby fell asleep again. So precious! The doctor commented that while 95% of the placenta is in the right position, 5% is a little low so I might experience some bleeding again. He said if that happens, get it checked out of course but not to immediately panic about a miscarriage. He probably noticed I was still a little anxious because at the end of our appointment he told us that the odds of something going wrong are only 3% at this stage which was nice to hear. I then got the confirmation letter for work to say I'm pregnant. It continues to feel surreal that that there's a little baby growing inside me. Still a dream come true! Despite having some nausea bouts and the anxiety, I do love being pregnant and I am trying to enjoy this whole experience. My next appointment isn't for four weeks, crazy! but I guess at this stage everything is ok. Next week I'll get my 12 week intralipid done and then send my blood off to check the natural killer cells again.


Week 12 - later that week

It was strange making my way to my fertility clinic. It's only been six weeks since I had been there last but it felt like so much has happened since then. As I sat in the waiting room, I looked around at all the other couples and really hoped that things would work out for them. My fertility doctor, Dr Peppy set up the intralipid for me. It was really nice seeing her again. She said that the previous intralipid I had gotten at 10 weeks would have taken me to week 12 and I didn't really need to get another one (but I could). I told her that the immune doctor wants me to send my blood again to re-check the NK levels and she said that there is no need to get any more Intralipids done after 12 weeks. By this stage the placenta has already formed. As usual different doctors saying different things! I trust her though and it made me think that unless the NK cells have gotten really bad again that maybe I would choose not to get any more intralipids done.

A few days later I went to my GP to get my blood taken in the vials provided by the immune practice. Then I hurried to the post office and sent it all by express post. A few days later I asked hubby to phone to check my blood vials had arrived at the immune practice and to ask how soon I would get the results. The results were already there! My NK levels have gone down from 18.4%to 14.7%. They are still "borderline" but ok. I can stick with the current treatment plan, meaning I don't need to get any more intralipids. That's a relief! I was a little disappointed that my NK cells haven't gone down even more than that but anyway I'm not going to let it bother me. Some paperwork was missing, I was meant to send a referral in order for my health insurance to cover the blood test costs. I wasn't sure which doctor would give me one since my gyno is on holidays and the substitute doctor had mentioned he doesn't believe in all the immune stuff. Hubby phoned his practice and explained the situation and he sent the referral no problem though so that was a relief. It's nice the blood test is covered 100% by my health insurance this time.

A friend of mine lent me her fetal doppler. That's a device you can use to pick up the heartbeat at home. For some women they can get it to work as early as about nine weeks though others take longer. In my case I finally got to hear baby's heartbeat at 12wks2 days. That was amazing to hear and reassuring. I tried again a few days later. It took longer and I was only able to hear it for a few seconds but it was there. Then at the beginning of week 13 I had been feeling anxious and I tried that night and this time I couldn't find it at all! Hubby tried too but no luck. I started getting anxious but he said baby was probably in an awkward position and not to worry. I tried again the next morning before and after breakfast and still nothing! I found a heartbeat which was probably my own as it didn't sound fast enough to be the baby's. I was sorry then for using the fetal doppler at all. When it works it is very reassuring but when it doesn't it can be scary! Anyway, I tried again that night and finally I was able to find the baby's heartbeat for a few seconds. This time it was on the right hand side instead of the left, so many the baby has been moving around! I put the doppler away and I have decided I won't use it again for at least a week.

Now that I have reached the 12 week mark we are gradually starting to share our news with more people. Telling people makes me a little nervous. I guess it's difficult to feel totally at ease with this pregnancy after the long journey to get to this point. I still have a fear of it all being taken away. However, I have also been making an effort to enjoy each day instead of anxiously awaiting the next scan. I have been trying to stay as calm as possible and I keep telling the baby how loved he/she is! When I told the HR manager at work she gave me a big hug and was delighted for us. That was really sweet. Hubby has also been really happy about this pregnancy and it has been a sweet time. We were joking since the last scan that our baby loves sleeping just like his/her parents! I'll ask hubby "what do you think baby is doing now?" and he jokes back "probably sleeping!". I have also been sharing with him some of the facts from my pregnancy app. Like, I read that starting from week 13 the baby can start to hear things outside the womb! And they can also differentiate between light and dark. I am so amazed that from a bunch of cells a tiny person is now forming and growing. I pray that in six months time we'll get to meet our little one! In the meantime baby can stay put and keep growing and being loved.

Infertility in the news

Since infertility has been a big subject in my life the past few years, whenever I see things in the news about it, it peaks my interest. Recently a study has come out about men's declining sperm count. "Sperm counts in the West plunge by 60pc in 40 years as 'modern life' damages men's health." The decline shows no sign of stopping either. That is crazy when you think about it!

The article also said that poor sperm can be an indicator of other health problems; Aside from the obvious implications for reproduction, the researchers said the declines were consistent with reported trends in testicular cancer, the number of children born with one or both testicles missing, the onset of male puberty and total testosterone levels. This is not something that should be ignored. There were several possible reasons given in the article; chemicals... BPA... processed meats... but I got the impression they don't really know for sure. If there are chemicals in the food that we are being exposed to that are causing problems like this (plus who knows what other issues could be attributed to it such as cancer), something needs to be done.

The same study was also covered in the Daily mail, which is a tabloid paper. They commented about how women are typically "blamed" for infertility when often it is the man at fault. I really wonder when the blame game of women "being career women" and "waiting too late" is going to stop. Anyway, the article mentioned that maybe men and women will have to start freezing their sperm and eggs when they are young for future use! This is not an ideal solution for numerous reason. It's an interesting idea though. I'm currently reading "The handmaiden's Tale" for my book club and articles like this make the book seem not all that far fetched!

The comments under both articles (there and on the facebook pages) were despicable though. Firstly there were lots of people blaming "feminists" and "feminism". That made my blood boil. Come on! Some people seriously think that women having equal rights and being allowed to work and vote for instance is causing men to feel so threatened that their bodies produce less sperm?! Give me a break! The other most prevalent comment was about "overpopulation" and that this sperm issue is hence "a good thing". That also upset me. I can see how over population can be a problem is certain countries especially with poor access to family planning and contraceptive measures but in the western world we have the opposite problem. Germany has an aging population for instance. Many couples these days only have one kid on average, or none at all! And people not being about to have the choice to have children is in no way a "good thing". I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy! It is heartbreaking to go through.

By the way I wanted to add that by using a picture of the manly Jon Snow from Game of Thrones I'm not in any way suggesting that there might be any issue with his swimmers... But if there were, it wouldn't make me think any less of him!

Weeks 7-9

Trigger warning: pregnancy discussed

Things have been a little up and down since our first appointment where we saw the heartbeat. Mainly great but I've also had some very anxious moments.

Dr. Peppy, the doctor at our fertility clinic gave me a plan for how to taper off Prednisolone the steroids I've been taking. It was quite a steep drop. I was to go from 15mg a day to 10mg then three days later drop again to 5mg then three days later to 2.5mg and then stop completely. I reduced the first amount from 15mg to 10mg but then I noticed my glands were slightly swollen and I wondered whether it might be a side effect. I also started to get nervous about going off the steroids so soon. I did some research online and most women who take prednisolone to reduce inflammation stay on them till the twelfth week of pregnancy before then gradually tapering off.

So I decided it best to phone the immune doctor to confirm with her. The treatment plan I had been given just said to reduce once the heartbeat was established but it was vague. When I phoned and explained the situation the lady at the practice seemed alarmed and said I shouldn't have reduced already, that it was too soon! She said that she would get the doctor to email me to tell me what to do. Obviously that phone call worried me! I decided to not reduce any further and to stay on 10mg until I heard from the doctor. It took several anxiety filled days before I got an email from the immune clinic. The email emphasised again that it had been too soon to go down without having my natural killer cell level activity rechecked. I was asked whether I wanted another treatment plan sent out to which I immediately replied in the affirmative. I was freaking out after the email though. Really worried that I might have ruined everything. My sister had also told me all about a friend of hers who had had a traumatic missed miscarriage at 10 weeks recently and I couldn't stop thinking about it which probably didn't help my worries.

Hubby thought we should trust dr. Peppy. Another friend I asked thought I should listen to the immune doc who is the expert in the area. Hubby offered to phone the practice to discuss what I should do. I thought that would be a good idea because I didn't want anything to be lost in translation (remember all the communication had been in German)! The email had come across as very harsh! But then things in German can often come across that way to non native speakers. Anyway hubby phoned and discussed my treatment with the doctor - He said that the fact that I reduced the prednisolone wasn't that bad, the issue was that I had gone down too severely, I should have only reduced by 2.5mg amounts not 5mg. The new plan was that I stay on 10mg for another two weeks (till week 10) and then in one week intervals start to go down by 2.5mg.

I am also able to reduce the Granocyte injections from every third day to every four for two weeks then every five days. I felt very relieved after that phone call! That said I was still nervous for the eight week scan. This time the appointment was done at my local gyno. It went great thank God! The baby is actually starting to look like a tiny person now, not just a dot! It was really incredible to see the head and tiny hands. Everything looked perfect. The doctor also gave me a book about pregnancy. Afterwards I got another Intralipid infusion done.

The only bad thing was that my doctor was pretty against flying at all during pregnancy. He said it increases the risk of thrombosis and miscarriage slightly so we would be taking a risk travelling to Dublin for my brother's wedding. Hubby and I did discuss whether we should cancel the trip but I really wanted to go. Also lots of people have flown pregnant and been ok so I felt like it should be fine. That doesn't mean I wasn't anxious though! I avoided the x-ray machines in the airport and even wore a "belly band" which is meant to protect against radiation which I'd ordered online! We had a great time, it was so nice seeing everyone. I even told a few friends and an aunt who had been praying for us and knew about our struggles our "news" in person, which was lovely. Everyone has been extremely happy for us. It still all feels surreal though to be honest! I wonder when it will actually feel more real. Part of me is scared at times to enjoy it too much in case I jinx it, but then the other part wants to enjoy every second!

I noticed a few more "symptoms" kicked in since week eight. If I let myself get too hungry I will start to feel quite nauseous. My sense of smell is sharper. I've also been feeling more tired and I've been more forgetful too! After the Ireland trip, I felt exhausted. Work was quite stressful too for various reasons. Then a few days later for the first time in this pregnancy I had some red spotting. It happened late at night. It reminded me of the awful miscarriage I had after our first IVF and for several seconds I just thought "Oh no, no, no..." However it was only a small amount of bleeding and it stopped soon after thankfully. I found it hard to sleep that night and kept wondering what I should do - go to the hospital, phone my gyno in the morning or do nothing and assume everything is fine. In the end I decided to call my doctor first thing. When I phoned and explained about the small amount of bleeding (but no cramps) I was told to make my way there immediately. That was quite nerve wracking as you can imagine! It was a different doctor this time but she was very nice. She checked my cervix which was closed and the right length, and she couldn't locate the source of the bleeding. She said that some spotting can be normal in the first trimester. Then she did a scan to check on the baby.

At first it just looked like a blob this time! I couldn't make out where the head was. She said the baby was in a funny position with his/her head leaning over the body looking at the feet. We both stared at the screen and there was no sign of a heartbeat at first. It seemed like it took forever while the doctor kept moving the ultrasound wand around. I was thinking something like "Oh God, oh God, please can the baby be ok". After what felt like an eternity but was probably only a minute, she found the heartbeat and everything was fine! She did comment that the baby was "small". I didn't like the sound of that. It took ages to get a measurement because of the awkward position but it looked like baby is about a week behind in growth. The doctor said not to worry though. She also wrote me off sick for several days and told me to rest at home and take magnesium. If I have any more bleeding or get cramps outside their practice opening hours then I should go straight to the hospital.

Luckily everything has been fine since then. I've just been taking it very easy. Watching lots of The Good Wife again! I go back for another scan early next week. Hopefully the baby will have grown more by then. I'm trying not to worry about the growth thing. I read on online forums that it's normal enough in the first trimester for the baby to measure a week ahead or behind. I also think that the baby's awkward position could have messed up the measurement. So that's a run down on the last few weeks! Only a few more to get through until, please God, I'll make it safely into the second trimester.

Silly question of the day

This question was doing the rounds on social media recently. If you had a choice of taking a blue pill and restarting your life at age 10 but with all you know now, or of taking a red pill and waking up age 45 with 50 million dollars, what would you choose?

I did think about it for a moment but to me it's clear, I would go for the blue pill! Why would I want to wish the next ten years of my life away? Sure I would get a million dollars but so what, to me the years in between spent with friends and family are a lot more valuable! I do realise that being in a position to turn down a million dollars probably also shows that I already have a certain amount of privilege. I have a roof over my head and plenty of access to food and health care. I'm sure there are lots of people who would be desperate for the money for various reasons.

Life is short and the thought of getting more time is appealing. That said, I don't particularly like the idea of having to start at age 10 all over again! I would have to go through the teenage years with all those crazy hormones, immature friends, not to mention exams which doesn't sound particularly appealing. However I have gained a lot of knowledge by now that I think I could manage it!

The main advantage for me of course would be the opportunity to spend time with my late Mum again. She passed just before my 23rd birthday. The idea of getting another 13 years with her would be amazing. And this time I would make sure we have more quality time. The idea of having to watch her get sick again is hard though, but maybe with my knowledge I could send her to the doctor earlier so she could get diagnosed sooner. I would try to be a better daughter this hypothetical time too.

I also wouldn't care as much about what other people think of me. As I've gotten older I've realised how little that really matters and that you should rather be true to yourself.

I would invest in shares, haha! Google, Facebook, Apple... maybe that way by age 45 I'd easily have saved a million dollars.

I was considering whether I would study something different at university for a total change but then I realised that the subjects I picked (German among others) ended up leading me down a path where I met my now husband and moved to Germany. I'm very happy with these decisions so I'd probably be better off studying the same topics and not changing any of the big life choices I made in the past.

It is also possible that maybe I would drive myself crazy trying to stop awful events which I would know in advance about. There's this character from ancient Greek mythology called Cassandra. She was given the gift of foresight but no one ever believes her so it becomes a horrible curse.

Which would you pick if you were given the choice? I guess choosing neither is also an option.

Heartbeat

Trigger warning: pregnancy mentioned.


Firstly I wanted to say thanks so much for all the lovely comments and messages from everyone! It really means a lot to us.

Well I finally the day I've been waiting years for arrived. It was my first pregnancy ultrasound ever! The appointment wasn't till 5pm and it felt like such a long day waiting for it. On the way to the clinic, hubby and I both felt pretty nervous. I couldn't help thinking that either it was going to be an amazing moment or an awful one! Once we were called in to Dr. Peppy we spoke for a few minutes and then she suggested we do the ultrasound. I jumped up, pretty eager to finally see what's going on in there!

She started having a look and pretty immediately found something - the gestational sac with a tiny fetus..and a heartbeat too! I literally burst into tears at that stage! Mostly from relief to be honest. Just all the anxiety had been building up and I was so relieved and happy to know that everything is ok! The doctor also confirmed that there is only one baby in there. I did feel a little sad thinking about the other embryo that didn't make it but we are still absolutely delighted with one. A multiple pregnancy would have had more risks. We would be so grateful for one healthy baby! Once I pulled myself together and stopped crying I was able to ask some questions. It was so amazing seeing the little heartbeat! You can't really see much at this early stage (six weeks), just that something is there. The baby is only the size of a pomegranate seed!

Then Dr. Peppy discussed all my meds. I am to continue taking something for my thyroid plus baby aspirin. The Granocyte injections will be kept up every three days until I reach the 2nd trimester. I will need to continue getting the intralipid infusions every two weeks until then too. Progesterone tablets and steroids I can gradually start reducing now. And then she said that that would be my last appointment there, the next one would be at my local gyno! Wow, gradation from the fertility clinic already. We thanked the doctor profusely for all her help. She could see how happy and overwhelmed we were!

Afterwards I got another Intralipid done. That took almost two hours. The clinic had really bad reception so it was ages before I was able to message my family to let them know how the appointment went! Everyone was delighted. To be honest this whole experience still feels completely surreal. Sort of like I've woken up in a parallel world where our dream is actually coming true. This morning I phoned my gyno and arranged an appointment for two weeks time. I'll be eight weeks pregnant by then, please God.

I don't think either of us will be able to fully relax until the second trimester to be honest. I still have a fair bit of anxiety. That said, I am absolutely loving the thought that there is a tiny baby growing in there right now. I'm praying so hard that it will be a viable pregnancy and the little one will stick around. So far my only symptoms have been increased appetite, sore boobs, tiredness and lots of heartburn! Hubby is excited too. He's even been thinking about how many months he'd like to take as parental leave (In Germany, you get 14 months to share among the parents). It's so amazing to dream and imagine.

Nice high number

Six days after our first blood test I went in for the second one. I had to get up at 5.30am in order to get to my clinic as early as possible so that I would make it back to my office in time. I didn't mind too much though. After all the challenges of going through IVF it wasn't such a big deal and I'm excited to have a reason to need a second blood test. I also got some of my prescriptions renewed while I was there. The clinic told me they would call between two and three pm. During my lunch break I went home hoping the results might be ready early but no such luck. Hubby was going to get back earlier from work that day so we agreed that he would phone the clinic to find out the results but not tell me until I came home just in case the news was bad.

That was the idea. In practice when I didn't hear anything from hubby I started worrying that maybe it was bad news and he was waiting to tell me in person! The time passed really slowly in the office before I was able to get home and the half hour before I got back, I started getting really anxious thinking how devastating it would be if the news wasn't good. As soon as I arrived in front of the house, hubby rushed out to meet me, smiling, and said it was good news! Thank you God!! I burst into tears again, this has definitely been an emotional time for me lately haha! Happy tears though.

He told me the HCG has gone up to 2343. Amazing!! I put it into into HCG online calculator and it said that's a normal doubling rate. We have an appointment in a week's time for the first ultrasound. How exciting! At that stage we should finally find out whether there are one or two embryos growing and if we are lucky see a heatbeat/heatbeats. It feels so surreal thinking about that! I am still on cloud nine and can't stop smiling.

Pregnancy after loss and cold showers

After the happiness and surprise eventually came the worry. Pregnancy after a loss can be a tricky one to deal with. I remember that hard week after our first IVF when I was technically pregnant but with a low HCG value and was told it could go either way. There was a little spotting some days but it always went away. I had some mild symptoms such as tiredness, increased appetite and sore boobs. I kept doing pregnancy tests hoping the line would get darker but it grew fainter instead which was probably a likely indication that it was non viable. The longer I remained pregnant the more I had hope though that maybe it would still be ok. However the miscarriage begun the night before when our first scan at our previous clinic would have been.

I can't help having some anxiety regarding this pregnancy. I found a link online where you can calculate your miscarriage risk and it said mine was about 26% (at four weeks, it goes down the longer you remain pregnant)! That was stupid of me to look it up. However I then came across a more reassuring link and when you take our strong initial HCG value into account it seems promising that this could be a viable pregnancy. I keep reminding myself that there is no reason to assume that everything isn't fine. This pregnancy already seems stronger than my last (which was a year and a half ago. Crazy). I have barely any symptoms though of course it's super early at this point, just four weeks. It just feels surreal most of the time!

I did a second pregnancy test yesterday for some reassurance and there was a strong second line which was nice to see. The next stage is to go back to my clinic for a second blood test and provided all goes well I could have the first scan a week later. Wouldn't that be exciting!? At our new clinic they make you wait a week for the second blood test which seems so long! I have a dentist appointment that day so I asked if I could come in a day earlier (Monday) for the blood test and that's fine. The HCG is meant to be doubling every few days. A slow rising HCG can be indicative of a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. A scan at around 6-7 weeks should be able to show a heartbeat and once a heartbeat is present, then the risk of miscarriage drops to around 5%. So if I could get to that stage I can imagine I'll breathe a huge sigh of relief. One minute I feel ecstatic and love thinking about the future, and another I try to reign myself in, thinking I shouldn't get ahead of myself so early.

In other news, there have been some unexpected house costs lately. There's a problem with our water heating. It came to a head the day of the result actually. Hubby was all stressed but I was barely thinking about it. He said, "don't you care if there's no hot water and you have to have cold showers"? I think my reply was something like, "I would gladly take cold showers for all nine months if I can have a healthy pregnancy!" Anyway it turns out the problem has gotten worse so I have been having to have cold showers lately, haha. And I don't mind as long as the baby or babies on board are doing ok. That said, we are getting someone to come to the house to try to fix the problem as soon as possible. We are hoping it won't be too expensive. There have been quite a few unforeseen repairs that have come up ever since we moved in. I don't think our surveyor did a great job at predicting stuff!

I also wanted to mention that I know I have a lot of followers who are still in the midst of the infertility trenches. I will try my best to be as sensitive as possible regarding our news and I certainly don't intend to turn this into a "pregnancy" blog now. Occasionally I will mention it but I plan to write about plenty of other things too. Of course, it's still at an extremely early stage so I don't feel like I am out of the woods yet by any means but I am incredibly grateful to have reached this point!

Is this for real? Overjoyed!

This morning I went to my clinic for the blood test. I told the nurse that I had already tested yesterday and gotten a positive and asked about getting more prescriptions for my meds. I also inquired about when I should get the next Intralipid infusion done. I had brought it with me just in case. The nurse gave me the prescriptions I would need, about one week's worth by the looks of things and then told me they would administer the intralipid for me today!

I was glad to get it done rather than have to come back a different day though I was annoyed at myself for forgetting to pack a snack. I'd had breakfast at 8.30am but I wouldn't end up getting home until around 2pm. I was told the clinic would phone me between 2 and 3pm. Dr. Peppy who had been on holiday was back and it was really nice to see her again. I asked her what HCG value would they like to see today and she said at least 50.

I only got in the door around 2pm, had some lunch and then around half an hour later the phone rang. I was too scared to answer it! Hubby answered and put it on speaker phone. The woman from the clinic sounded happy so I already had a good feeling. She said that it was positive and all the values were great! Hubby asked what the HCG value was exactly and she said...wait for it... 239!!! Can you believe it? What a great value!!

Back during my first IVF, I only had a value of 28. This pregnancy already feels different and stronger, thank God!! I phoned my Dad on skype and he cried, it was so sweet. I was crying too! This is honestly like a dream come true, though it still feels surreal!

Next week I go back to my clinic for a second blood test. No scan yet unfortunately. They seem to just want you to do several blood tests before the first scan. It's extremely early days, like I'm only 4 weeks now. But, I am so grateful and amazed that our fourth and final IVF may be actually working!! Today is the best day!! Thank you so much everyone for all the support and lovely comments.