Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Our five snowflakes that weren't

Over the course of the last year and a half we've had three IVF cycles and I've had a total of five embryos transferred into me. Five little snowflakes which had the potential to grow into babies but sadly didn't. I can't help wondering what kind of people they might have one day become. How many of them were boys, how many girls? Would they have had my eyes? My husband's smile? Or even our bad eye sight (haha)? Even though they were only growing and alive for such a small amount of time, I loved them wholeheartedly.

Last week we had the follow up appointment at our clinic ( also nicknamed the "WTF meeting!"). It turns out the two embryos that were transferred during our last failed IVF were rated 1 (which is the best possible mark here!) and 2 (which is also very good). Since hearing that, I have felt mixed feelings. Sad to think of our perfect embryos that weren't to be and wondering what went wrong, why even one of the two didn't take. The doctor put it down to bad luck. Everything looked great he said. It should have worked...

I've felt happy though that my partner and I are still able to create such good quality embryos despite the fact that I'm classed a poor responder to IVF hormones and don't have that many eggs grow each time. The doctor said that our egg and sperm quality are great which means we *should* be able to have a biological child. However, there are no guarantees with IVF, I've learnt that lesson time and time again. Sometimes you can have everything go right, transfer a perfect embryo and for whatever reason it just doesn't implant.

The good news is that the doctor says he's not worried about me running out of time and my fertility decreasing if I want to take several months break. That's a relief and I feel justified now in our decision to book our flights to Oz. I asked if it would be ok to wait until this summer and he said absolutely. I actually hate the thought of going through it all again; the Intralipid infusions, the injections, the feeling crappy, the egg retrieval procedure, the emotional upheaval. So I will need several months just to be able to gather my strength before I can try again anyway.

On Wednesday I went to my gyno. I told him about our plan to try the other clinic. He doesn't think they are any better than our local one, in fact he says their results are generally slightly worse. That was disappointing to hear! But he understands our wish for a second opinion after three failed IVFs at one place. He kindly offered that if we decide to go ahead with treatment at the other clinic, he could do some of the ultrasounds for me here and send them the results so that I wouldn't need to travel 60 kilometers there and back each time. That was a nice offer! I'll ask at the new clinic whether that would be feasible. He said he'll try to support me whatever way he can. For instance if I want to get the intralipids done again. He's a good doctor, I like him a lot.

He's not too impressed with natural IVF though when I asked him his thoughts on that because it still includes the egg retrieval procedure but has only low chances of success with one egg. He said it only makes sense for older women or poor responders. I explained that I AM a poor responder since he might not have realised. I only had 2 eggs during IVF#1, 1 during IVF#2 and four during IVF#3. He agreed it might make sense in my case then. Our fertility doctor isn't a big fan of natural IVF either. They don't even offer it here. But he encouraged us to go for a consultation at the other clinic to decide if it could be right for us. He said many women do a low dose / mini IVF with the drug Clomid which is much cheaper than the other meds once they run out of IVF rounds covered by their insurance. I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for them (and us). It's no fun reaching this stage!

That said, overall the appointments went well. It's great to have the support from my gyno in terms of getting intralipids or ultrasounds done so I wouldn't need to travel to the other clinic every time if we decide to get treatment with them (I'll just need to find out how much extra that might cost). And I'm happy to hear that we are still able to create great embryos together and that having a few months off shouldn't affect things negatively (that was one of my worries particularly after turning 35 last month). I've decided I do want to go for a fourth IVF, whether it will be normal / natural or mini, probably sometime this Summer because I feel (hopefully not naively) like there is still a little hope that it might work for us.. And my husband has also agreed to us trying one more time. At that stage we will both feel like we have given it our best shot and can then move on with our lives one way or the other!


After our appointment at the clinic I went shopping and bought myself some new Summery clothes for our trip to Perth in a few months time. A bit of retail therapy can be good sometimes! I am so over this freezing cold never ending winter here. It even reached minus 10 degrees this week. I hope the weather is a bit nicer wherever you are!

33 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you have a nice doctor, and you definitely deserve the retail therapy!

    Currently -6°C here! And I'm about to brave going out in it. I have an appointment for an HSG - cross your fingers for me!

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    1. I've been wondering how you've been getting on with the fertility testing and doctor visits! I hope your HSG will go well! I've heard they can be painful (I was under for mine
      as had it during a procedure to remove a cyst) so make sure to take some strong painkillers! I also hope that you will get some answers and a plan to move forward. Good luck!

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    2. It hurt when they put the die in, but was okay otherwise. My RE had given me an Ibuprofen to take beforehand :-)

      All normal, just like my blood test so we're no closer to an explanation as to why I'm not pregnant yet!

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    3. Sorry you've no answers yet but glad to hear all your results have been good so far. Really hope something will work for you soon!

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  2. Same weather here, but there's snow, which I like ;-)!

    It is good to hear that you have such a kind and friendly gyno. That is a blessing in itself.

    I hope you will be able to relax and recharge now!

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    1. Yes when it snows then it is pretty, but otherwise it can just be so cold and grey! We've had some snow here but it has all melted now.
      Definitely having a nice supportive gyno is really nice. Hard to find! I'm really enjoying the break from it all now too, thanks.

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  3. Sounds like you are getting everything in place to take the next steps but also get a few months to just be you. I hope you have a great trip!

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    1. Thanks! Yeah I'm glad to have some months off, really need it and I'm hoping we'll come up with a good plan to move forward during our appointment with the other clinic.

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  4. It's always a relief to hear the doctor say he's not worried about age. We put so much pressure on ourselves and when we hear that it's almost like "permission" to go on break. Have a great trip! Hope it helps you recharge as you prep to take on IVF 4.

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    1. Yeah exactly, I had been feeling annoyed at myself for wasting so much time in the past, so hearing the doctor say that definitely helped me breath a huge sigh of relief.
      Thanks, I'm looking forward to the trip!

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  5. I'm sorry your snowflakes didn't take root. I pray some finally take off. It's good to hear your fertility still has a lot of potential.

    It's definitely good to find what works right for me. I tried chemical IVF and got nothing.

    For me, natural IVF was the only things that has ever worked and it's worked well when I got an embryo out of it. However, I've always heard lots of doctors don't like it.

    But it's just what worked for me. I think it might have also worked for me is because when they extracted a fresh egg and, if it fertilized it, they then put it back two to three days after.

    I think my lining is ready for implantation earlier than other women's (which chemical IVF is not very good at predicting) so putting it back in the lining that grew for that egg works better for me.

    I wish you luck on your next round of IVF *throws baby dust*.

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    1. I guess generally natural IVF has worse results but it sounds like it can just suit some women better. Hard to tell at the moment whether I might be one of them but I'm hoping the doctors
      at the other clinic might have experience with treating poor responders. Thanks for all the support! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for us both

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  6. Did you do Genetic testing on the embryos?

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    1. No we didn't. It's not actually allowed here in Germany to do genetic testing on embryos unfortunately because it is something we would have done!

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    2. I see. I didn't know about the regulation there. Sorry.

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  7. Sorry to hear about your unsuccessful transfer. Travelling always gave me something to look forward to though, I hope Oz is fab.

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    1. Yeah having a big trip to look forward to is giving me something else to focus my mind on which is a nice distraction from it all!

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  8. Our situations are practically identical, we could be twins! :) I, too, just turned 35 last month. I, too, was a "low responder." One lead follicle during cancelled IVF #2 and 5 follicles retrieved at IVF #3. If, we do IVF again, I'd want to do the estrogen priming protocol because I believe I was too suppressed on BCP and Lupron. Have you looked into consulting with a reproductive immunologist who can pinpoint the cause of the IVF failures? I know it's not inexpensive. I just had 17 vials of blood drawn. They will check for a host of immune markers. I'm glad your gyno will do ultrasounds locally instead of you traveling far distances. Just know that you will meet your five babies in heaven. They are waiting for you. The due date of my twins is fast approaching. I know they are heaven. We will meet our babies in heaven.

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    1. Nice to find someone going through something similar! I actually already had extensive blood testing done and that showed that my natural killer cells are too high. That doctor didn't give me any advice on the IVF protocols. But we have the consultation at the other clinic soon and so I'm hoping the doctors there will have some ideas on how best to treat me to get the best response. I do love the idea of the babies being in heaven now and hoping they will help their brother/sister to get born some day soon! Thanks for the support.

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    2. I know, I agree! Too bad we don't live on the same side of the pond. I read a post about a woman is our age and her test showed elevated natural killer cells. She fell pregnant naturally, two months after IVF and after 4.5 years of trying. I believe she's based in Australia and her website is "smart fertility choices." Anything is possible with God. The RI, since he is in another state, New York to be particular, the blood draws have to be ordered by the local RE. So my RE was gracious to do it. Also, the RI will work with my RE on the protocol if antibiotics are required, which from my understanding, they usually are. The RI can't work with me directly because I don't live in New York State (federal law). I'm always hopeful we will conceive without intervention. I also just started Iva Keene's program. The lengths we will go through to get pregnant. :) Yes, our babies are in heaven. I'm confident of that.

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  9. Your doctor sounds great -- giving you all the information he has, not being closed-minded about the other clinic, offering help with ultrasounds and intralipids--what a gift. I am so sorry about your five snowflakes that weren't, how do you not grieve the possibilities, gone? Each one held potential. I hope that you enjoy these months as you gear up for your next cycle -- you have thought through so much. I'm glad you know that you have good quality embryos, that's something hopeful! It's also mysterious, but I really believe that for as much as the doctors know about this process, there is so much they DON'T know, too. So much mystery in those moments of implantation and development. I hope the mystery is solved for you! :)

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    1. Yea I'm really happy with my gyno, he's very supportive and understanding. It is hard not to think and wonder about the lost embryos full of potential sometimes. I can imagine it is the same for you. There is definitely so much unknown in the whole process! A year or even two can be totally normal for non infertile couples and you'd also wonder why it can take so long when everything is fine. Oz is slang for Australia! :-) My brother lives in Perth. I guess typing Oz is just quicker, haha.

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  10. Well I hate to say I know how shitty this feels. I forgot, have you had the ERA biopsy to check on timing of the transfer? Ours came out as being part of the 1 in 4 people where transfers are done on the wrong day, coming out pre-receptive on the standard 5 days of progesterone, so we're doing a 2nd biopsy next week at 6 days to see if that gets us a "receptive". My doc hadn't done it before but I made him sign up with Igenomix (they work all around the world) and do it just for me! :)

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    1. Yea I'm sorry you're also a member of the shitty infertility club, that no one wants to join! I've never had the ERA biopsy done and I'd never even heard of it before reading about it on your blog. It's one of the questions I want to ask the doctors at the next clinic about for sure. You really have to be your own advocate as much as possible it seems.

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  11. I am sorry about your snowflakes :( It sounds positive about the quality of embroyos and also about your doctor! I break can only be a good thing to rest mentally and physically! Plus a good bit of retail therapy always helps! I hope you enjoy the well deserved break with your husband! Keeping everything crossed for you and hope that whatever your path is, it becomes clear.

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    1. Thanks so much for the support! The not knowing what to do next and what the future will bring is hard. I hope that you also are able to decide how best to move forward and that 2017 will bring good things.

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  12. Hey. Sorry I've not been around much. Glad to read that you had good appointments and that you're taking a break. It's really important. Sending hugs XXX

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    1. Thanks! Yeah a break is just really good right now. And I'm happy with how the appointments went and hoping for a good one at the new clinic in March. Hoping things go really well for you this month! x

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  13. I think it's common that many doctors won't advocate natural or mini ivf: it's still completely ingrained in them that only the big guns will work; this area is still very conservative I found. I wouldn't be too put off; often with poor responders the traditional IVF clinics go way over the top with the high-dose meds, where a more natural approach over a longer period would be more effective (in my opinion). Good luck Dubs

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    1. Yea I also get the impression that a lot of doctors just don't really have a clue how to best handle poor responders and their approach is to just give really high dose of hormones! Since they offer natural IVF at the other clinic, I'm hoping they have more experience with it and the kind of women it works for. Thanks for all your support :)

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  14. I'm sorry to ready about your unsuccessful IVF treatments, thinking of you.

    I'm an Australian living in the US, having also lived in Singapore, and have enjoyed reading about your experiences living away from Dublin.
    I would like to invite you to participate in a research thesis I am working on about blogging. Your input is required to allow me to review your blog. All information is treated confidentially, in accordance with university ethics requirements. I can be contacted at rlbur4@student.monash.edu if you are interested.
    I would love to hear from you, and share with you the research topic.
    Many thanks, Rachel

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  15. With the help of a man called Dr.Addo I was able to get pregnant though his root and herbs. I'm 47years of age, it was really difficult for me to pregnant though my husband loves me but it was really hurting me not having my own child but after many years I came across Dr.Addo whose email address is ( addosolution@gmail.com ) he gave me Root and herbs and I was pregnant a week after i his help. I'm 7months pregnant now and also I will like to advice everyone looking for help to get pregnant to contact this very man via his email address: ( addosolution@gmail.com )

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    ReplyDelete

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