Trying to make sense of it all

Well we have just received our blood test results by post. Unfortunately the earliest appointment we could get for a phone consultation with the doctor is in six weeks so for now we just have to try to interpret what we can ourselves. The results are several pages that list items tested next to the ideal range. If something is above or below that then there is a little arrow beside the value and sometimes a paragraph with some info from the doctor.

The main result is that I tested positive for natural killer cells. My initial reaction was to curse to be honest! I had really been hoping that our results would show that everything is fine and that we could just go ahead with IVF round three. I know some people might see this as a good thing that now we have something to treat but at the moment it just raises loads more questions for me. For instance, have I always had this? Could this also be preventing us from getting pregnant naturally? Does that mean my body basically killed the three little embryos that were transferred during round 1 and 2 IVF (as opposed to it being a chromosome issue with a pregnancy that would not have continued anyway). The thought of that makes me sad... And I also have questions about the treatment for NK cells. The whole area is still very controversial like I mentioned before and because of that treatment wouldn't be covered by my health insurance so could be expensive.

And I am wondering if there might be some other underlying issue causing it. My T4/T8 index was also elevated which according to the info below means either an auto immune disease (!!) or an allergy. So maybe I have some undiagnosed allergy which is causing an inflammation and then the natural killer cells get activated. In which case maybe I need to do more allergy tests to see if I could find the issue. Maybe I will need to change my diet too. I already try to avoid dairy when I can and I haven't found that easy (since I was diagnosed with lactose intolerance early this year). The idea of having to try to restrict what I eat even more doesn't sound fun!

The results also mentioned that I will need to get a second test to find out if the natural killer cells are just in my blood or also in my womb. I've made an appointment with the doctor at our fertility clinic to see if I can get that done there and just to talk about the results and what it means for us going forward. My vitamin D level is also too low so I'll need to take supplements. My AMH value was in the normal range but only just about. It looks like it has gone down from when I had it measured last time, which also concerns me!

Right now we just feel confused and overwhelmed. The one thing we know for sure is that we need to put our plans for the the third IVF round on hold until we can figure it all out. 

The green room #MicroblogMonday

There's a room in our new house that we painted green. I thought that would be a nice neutral colour for our future kid's bedroom. Right now we have some book shelves in there and might use it as a guest room in the meantime. Is it just wishful thinking and possibly a little delusional even that we both still feel so hopeful that we will be able to have a baby despite the low IVF odds?

Since we've bought our house, questions from people asking if and when we are going to have kids have been more frequent. And some of the comments can actually be a little hurtful to someone who is trying to have a baby and struggling. We generally just say yes that we would like children since that's the truth but just wanting them isn't enough unfortunately!

We recently had some relations over to show them the house and they commented that it's too big a place for just us but ideal for a family of four. That stung. I know they meant it in a nice way as they assume having kids is just something you choose to do when you are ready.

The actual choice we face is how many rounds of IVF to go through before giving up. And how will we save enough to afford our mortgage AND a fourth round if this one doesn't work out. However, I have decided that it's ok to still be hopeful. Our "maybe baby" journey isn't over yet. We are not out of options so we will keep going, hoping the green room won't remain empty for too much longer.