The last few days my emotions have been all over the place. I was all set to start IVF round four, then I got a blood test which showed an elevated thyroid (TSH) value which threw a spanner into the works. The GerMann started saying that maybe, what with the cyst that was noticed at my ultrasound, our flights to Ireland for my brother's Irish wedding celebrations in July and now the thyroid issue, we should postpone a few months. My doctor also wants to do the short protocol again instead of the long protocol so I was also freaking out a bit as I thought we'd still have another month of really healthy eating before the egg retrieval but now it'll only be about two weeks!
It's really overwhelming as well knowing this is our final try at this. The guy at my health insurance office had mistakenly told me that I would have 50% coverage for three more IVF rounds and had gotten my hopes up a little... Not that I particularly want to do three more, just nice to have a safety net... Anyway he had filled out the form wrong as I am only entitled to one more round that will be partially covered. Hubby has also reminded me a few times that this is our final try. We have discussed it at length many times and we are both in agreement; there are lots of reasons why we feel like we can't keep going after this, but I guess I'm finding it scary thinking that we might reach the end of this journey without a baby.
It feels overwhelming now that the final round is upon us and I'm terrified to be honest! Part of me is screaming, "I'm not ready yet!", "maybe we should wait another month or two so I can try to eat better as I haven't been as good as I wanted to be the past few weeks". Another voice is saying, "let's not keep postponing and letting my eggs get older, you're as ready as you'll ever be, let's do this! "
Basically, I was freaking out a little!
I wouldn't say I'm a very religious person these days. I was brought up catholic and there used to be a time I'd go to mass every week but these days I rarely go and my faith has definitely been questioned over the years. Sometimes I'm not sure what I believe anymore but other times I still feel spiritual and I still pray often. Anyway so I prayed for guidance to help me decide whether to move forward now or wait.
The next day I felt oddly remarkably calm. I just had this feeling like this is the right time. (Of course I know this may have all been in my head, but the main thing is I didn't feel as stressed so I'm happy!). I also made the decision that I would trust our doctor at our new clinic.
Long story short I got another ultrasound at my appointment today and it did show two small cysts. However the doctor said that since they are tiny it's not a problem and I can still go ahead. I asked about the thyroid, explaining that this is our final IVF round and we would postpone a month if need be. We were told that even though my TSH value certainly isn't optimal, it is being treated now. I'll get my blood checked again next appointment and we should still go ahead. So long story short, IVF number 4 is a go!
First injection is tomorrow. I'll go back to clinic in a week for a scan and then be told how many more days of injections will be needed and when the egg collection will take place. I have decided that I am going to just take everything one day at a time and try my best to stay calm. Thinking about the future makes me stressed and anxious, so focusing on getting through this step by step seems to be the approach that works best for me! Hubby and I have started eating as healthy as possible for the next two weeks. No alcohol for either of us, lots of fruit and veg, gluten and dairy free for me. I'm off caffeine and he's reducing his two cups of coffee a day to one.
Thanks so much for all the support the past few days by the way!
Hi Dubliner I can understand how you'd be feeling the pressure! I think I agree with the voice saying you're as ready as you'll ever be. You could put things off forever trying to get it just right and you'd always find something else that you could be doing differently. Good luck with the healthy eating and try to re-imagine the stress as excitement..ReplyDelete
Yeah I don't think I'll ever feel totally ready! There is always going to be something else I could have tried/done. Thanks, I am trying to focus on feeling positive and not worrying about all the things that may or may not happen.Delete
I wish you so much luck on this cycle. It can be very scary not knowing the final outcome. It's good that you guys agree on how many treatments you will do. Try to stay positive and trust in your doctor. Hopefully this will be the one!!ReplyDelete
Thanks Christina! Yeah it's hard having no idea what's going to happen. I've decided to have faith in my doctor, second guessing everything is a bad approach. Here's hoping!Delete
Best of luck with this cycle! I understand the mixed emotions going into cycles after previous ones have failed! Just remember you're doing so much to make it work! Take care of yourself!ReplyDelete
Thanks for your support! :) Yeah lots of mixed emotions, that's it exactly. And trying to be positive but realistic too.Delete
Best of luck. I always used to plan something nice at the end of a cycle so I'd have something to look forward to, whatever happened.ReplyDelete
Thanks for well wishes! That's a good idea to plan something nice for the end of the cycle.Delete
Ich drücke Euch ganz, ganz fest die Daumen! <3ReplyDelete
schönen lieben Dank! :)Delete
So pleased to read this. Zen is definitely the best way. It worked for us this time. And it helps you handle the not knowing. Got everything crossed for you! XXXReplyDelete
Yeah it sounds like you had a really positive approach to your last cycle. I'm trying to stay optimistic and not worry before there is any reason to. Thanks for your support xxDelete